


All Your Edges (All Your Perfect Imperfections)

by universalromance



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Angst, Cas is a lawyer, Consent Issues, DCBB14, Dean Has Self-Worth Issues, Dean owns a florist and it's wonderful, DeanCas Big Bang 2014, Florist!Dean, Homophobia, I don't usually tag that but somebody asked so here, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, Past Non-Con, Prostitution, Top!Cas, Underage Prostitution, age difference of 10 years, and it's beautiful, bad families, bottom!Dean, derogatory language in parts, dishonesty in a relationship, dub con, they meet by happenstance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-28
Updated: 2014-11-28
Packaged: 2018-02-26 09:09:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 17
Words: 74,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2646305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/universalromance/pseuds/universalromance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean Winchester, owner of Angel Bouquet, has spent every Valentine’s Day of the last three years helping couples get together, stay together or become engaged. He loves weaving stories with his flowers and finds peace there when there is little elsewhere in his life. He can’t help but feel lately that there’s something missing until a handsome lawyer wanders into his shop, out of his depth with helping plan his sister’s wedding. Now the only thing standing between Dean and the happiness he’s desired his entire life is himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Valentine's Day, more like Hell Day

**Author's Note:**

> So *nervous sweat* this is my first DeanCas Big Bang. I'm really excited because I worked hard on this story I'm quite proud of it but I'm also really nervous because I really want everyone else to like it just as much, eh heh.
> 
> Alright so last posting day and it is FINALLY HERE! I hope it lives up to expectations. Please heed the warnings.
> 
> Before we get going everyone needs to [go admire and adore and love Norena's artwork!](http://asylumbound360.livejournal.com/3786.html) It's so beautiful and amazing and I am soooo happy with it! I couldn't have asked for a better partner on my first big bang and the drawings are gorgeous. So go and praise it endlessly because they have my undying admiration!
> 
> One more note before we get going. For the most part, if there is not a meaning for a plant stated explicitly in the story, if you hover your cursor over the plant's name the meaning will appear in hovertext.
> 
> Okay enjoy!

The sun hasn’t even risen yet as Dean shuffles across the parking lot from his car, steaming cup of takeaway coffee in one hand and keys jangling together in the other. He hates being out of bed before the sun but Benny’s off this week so it’s up to him to meet the delivery truck at the crack of dawn and help bring in the day’s order. There’s not a lot of activity this early except for the coffee shop down the street where Dean buys his coffee every morning before work. He enjoys the quiet for the time being, locking the shop door behind him and puttering around, setting up for the day as he waits for the truck to arrive bearing the hundreds upon hundreds of flowers necessary for a florist on Valentine’s day.

Some of the girls had stayed late last night to put together arrangements that Dean finds preserved perfectly in the cool room as he moves around taking stock of the products set up for sale today. The girls had even set up the stand bearing red and pink and white cards and restocked their teddy bear shelf with all of the fluffy adorable stuffed animals that people enjoy receiving today. The chocolates will be arriving with the pastries for the cafe just before opening. Jo will take care of those so Dean is able to focus entirely on building arrangements for the day in the hours left before opening.

The shop is Dean’s entire life and even on Hell Day (aka Valentine’s Day) he cannot think of anywhere else he would rather be.

 _Angel Bouquet_ had belonged to Mary Winchester, Dean’s mother, but had closed down shortly after her death just over nineteen years ago. Most of Dean’s life after that point isn’t something he likes to think about. All of his good memories, the ones that aren’t tainted with bitter regrets and pain are in this very shop with his mother. He remembers watching her create beautiful arrangements, he remembers her teaching him about flowers and what they mean and how to create an entire story in an arrangement. So when the solicitors called just before Dean’s eighteenth birthday to tell him about his inheritance, Dean had a choice.

It was a choice between continuing to work in his uncle Bobby’s autoshop and watch Sam grow up and eventually leave him for a better life while he continued to worry about their father and send him bits of money every time he called to say he was moving towns again; or sitting for his GED and then learning something about running a business so he could reopen the shop. It was Bobby who encouraged Dean to take the second option but it was Sam who made the decision for Dean.

“You don’t want to be here forever, Dean,” he had stated, sitting on his bed in their shared room. “You want something more, I know you do. You’re good at cars. But you’re better at plants.”

So Dean had packed his bags and gone to Kansas City with only his nerves and the money saved from working in Bobby’s shop to help him. He managed to gain acceptance to Kansas City Kansas Community College where he earned a Diploma of Business Management. Bobby and Sam had come to his graduation and taken him to dinner. The next day Dean went and registered the business under the name Mary had given it. He tried to build it the same but he changed the logo. It was now a pink carnation in a wreath of white heather.

It had been hard. He was only twenty and most people didn’t take such a young man seriously in running his own business. But one night Dean stumbled into a bar run by an old friend of his parents’. Ellen Harvelle is a hard woman but Dean respects her and she was the one to give him the real facts about running a business. With the help of her and her daughter, Jo, Dean managed to jumpstart his business. He made enough money to hire somebody to help him out.

Dean has two other important people in his life: Benny Lafitte and Charlie Bradbury. He had hired Benny fresh off a tour in Afghanistan after they met at the Roadhouse. Benny’s been working for Dean for four years now and manages the finances since Dean doesn’t even trust himself with the books. They’re close now and ever since Benny met Charlie, they team up on Dean and hound him about eating properly and sleeping well and not spending all his time working. Charlie is Dean’s roommate of five years and also his best friend. Charlie keeps Dean grounded and encourages him to branch out when she thinks he’s playing it too safe.

When the shop next door went out of business six months ago she put the idea in his head to expand into the space and turn the shop into half a cafe. Dean wasn’t sold at first but he sat down with Ellen and Benny and they worked out a plan. By that point Dean’s business had been so successful he’d hired several other people to help out and started paying Jo to work for him rather than just keep her as a volunteer.

The cafe does excellently especially after Charlie hooked it up with wi-fi and brought in an IKEA bookshelf to fill with all the double-ups from their apartment. Customers go crazy for the free internet and reading material over their coffees and sandwiches. Benny enjoys baking for the cafe and the customers love his pie. The cafe is so good for business that Dean hired four more people, two to work the cafe during the week and two kids to work it on weekends.

Dean is proud of his shop. It does very good business all year round but today, of all days, is the best day of the year for the flower industry. They call it Hell Day because there’s no other way to describe it. The second the clock hits eight the phone will be ringing off the hook with orders and customers will start trickling in until there’s a flood of people clamouring for flowers and cards and chocolates. That’s why Dean’s here at four thirty waiting for the delivery truck so he can try and make up as many arrangements as possible before opening. It’s all hands on deck today so the others will be in to help and two will be posted on making arrangements to order all day but Dean likes to get a head start: he learnt after his first Hell Day when it was just him and Jo trying to run a flower shop on the busiest day of the year for flower sales.

He hears the rumble of the delivery truck pulling up out back and goes to help the men unload their cargo. After helping them load on the buckets from the previous day’s order Dean thanks them and turns to survey his back room. It’s time to get started and he needs to start with the most important: the roses. Roses sell more than any other flower today. Dean understands, roses mean very romantic things on their own and when arranged the correct way.

This is his favourite part of this job. Dean’s good at arranging flowers, at creating stories with their secret language. When he sits down to create he just loses himself. None of his past mistakes haunt him when he’s doing this; he can’t feel anything bad when imagining the scenarios in which his flowers will bring a smile to somebody’s face.

He hears the bell over the door chime when the girls arrive. Deans hears Jo’s laugh as she heads in the other direction to set up the cafe for the day. Amy, Jane and Felicity make their way to Dean in the back room and greet him with smiles and a new cup of coffee before sitting down to help out. It’s not often that they’re all here at the same time but Valentine’s Day is always so busy that Dean both needs and can afford to have most of his employees working.

As it gets closer to opening Dean hears his last two workers come in to Jo in the cafe right before the delivery of pastries and chocolates arrives. He leaves the girls in the back room to take out some of the bouquets to the fridges in the main shop. As he’s carefully setting up the roses his phone starts blaring “Highway to Hell” and he pulls it out to find Sam calling.

He hasn’t seen his brother since Christmas as Sam’s a sophomore at Stanford and it’s not cheap to fly over to see his brother whenever he wants so Dean answers even though he knows he should be busy running around and double checking that everything’s ready for the day.

“Hiya Sammy,” Dean greets, straightening up and closing the glass front of the refrigerated cabinets.

“How is everything going?” Sam asks. Dean can hear the teasing in his voice. He knows how much work is involved in today.

“As good as it can be. We’re nearly ready. Ten minutes to go,” Dean responds, moving over to the counter to check for the third time that the register is filled up and the EFTPOS is working. He grabs the pads of order forms and places some down beside the register, some by the phone on the other end of the counter and takes the rest over to the displays in case customers come in not knowing what they want right away and Dean can write it down and get it done while they have a coffee.

“I can hear Jo, is she taking the day off classes to help you?”

“Thankfully. Without Benny we’re short so she offered to come in. Of course his niece chose to get married on the most clichéd day of the year for weddings.” Dean rolls his eyes. Benny had been very apologetic when he’d told Dean, he hadn’t wanted to leave him on their busiest day but Dean disagreed and told him they’d be fine even though at the same time he’d been trying to work out how he was supposed to get through Hell Day without his slave driver.

Sam is laughing on the other end of the phone and Dean rolls his eyes fondly.

“So, do you have any big plans for today, Romeo?” he wonders.

“Date with Jess.”

“Obviously. I mean, is it a special date, or just a date?”

“Mmm... Just a date. She’s not big on Valentine’s but I’m giving her flowers. I was wondering if you could help me think of something better than roses, you know, since she thinks they’re lame?”

Dean huffs in amusement. “You only love me for my floriography skills.”

“Well, what other use are you?” Sam teases in response. “So, will you help?”

“What do you want to say?”

“Nothing profound. Just to let her know I love her with something other than your most hated cliché.”

“Hey, I don’t hate roses. I just wish people would stop buying their committed partners a dozen roses on Valentine’s. It doesn’t mean what they think it means.”

Sam laughs. “Well?”

Dean thinks for moment. “Blue and white okay?”

“Jess loves blue.”

“Okay then, ask your florist to put together a bouquet of forget-me-nots, gentian and honey suckle with some ivy,” Dean suggests. “And tell her it’s celebrating the strength of your love and her beauty.”

“Thanks, Dean. I’ll order them now. So, what about you? Any big plans for your “unattached drifter Christmas”?”

Dean hesitates. He and Charlie usually go out to clubs and bars on Valentine’s Day and challenge each other to bring home the best looking hook-up but... for some reason the prospect seems unappealing this year. A strange ache has lodged itself in his gut whenever he thinks about doing what he normally does this year. But he doesn’t want Sam to worry so he makes a noise of agreement that Sam seems to take readily and they say goodbye.

He glances up at the clock and takes a deep breath.

“Three minutes everyone!” he shouts, loud enough for everyone to hear regardless of where they are. Heads poke out of the back room and Jo, Kirstie and James come in from the cafe to nod at him. “Hell Day will begin the second we hit eight. See you all on the other side.”

“Aye, Captain!” James says, saluting Dean before ducking back into the cafe where he is probably making sandwiches and doing kitchen stock take. The girls all give him grins and Amy hugs Jane and Felicity with mock sobbing about how she’s far too young to die.

Dean turns to watch the clock and as he knew it would the phone starts ringing mere seconds after the clock strikes eight.

***

One of the things Dean does enjoy about Valentine’s Day is that he gets some interesting stories from customers. A sweet old lady wanders in at nine and requests flowers for her late husband’s grave. Dean makes her a bouquet of tea roses and periwinkles and charges her half-price. He likes customers like that and he gets a few good ones until the time he hates arrives.

He gets the usual stream of – much despised – corporate businessmen too busy to present a Valentine’s gift to their wife or girlfriend in person so they have Dean’s driver deliver it instead; he hates them mostly because they talk on the phone while he’s trying to get their order and treat him like dirt because he runs his small business while they’re oh so important in their large corporations.

“Yet another douchebag wants a dozen red roses for his wife!” Dean announces, sticking the order on the board in the back room a little after eleven. “Tell James it’s time to make a delivery run, we’ve got the orders piling up.”

“On it, boss!” Jane says, winking at him as she brings another bucket of roses from the cool room. Dean smiles and heads back into the shop. There’s a man in a suit hovering by the refrigerated cabinets, tossing a cell phone between his hands and biting his lip. He’s dressed like one of the guys Dean can’t stand but he looks like someone who needs help. Dean moves over to him.

“Can I help you?” he asks. The guy jumps and turns to Dean. “Sorry, buddy, didn’t meant to startle you.”

“No, it’s fine,” his eyes flick down to Dean’s apron, “Dean. My name is Inias. Are you the owner?”

Dean’s pleasantly surprised. “I am. What can I do for you?”

“A friend of mine, Hester, says you do really nice arrangements and if somebody tells you why they want flowers you’ll make up a special bouquet that means something?” Inias says hesitantly, eyes roving back to the flowers.

“I do,” Dean agrees. “What do you need?”

“I’m proposing to my girlfriend tonight,” Inias explains sounding equal parts nervous and excited. “I was thinking roses? Twelve? Is that what people do when proposing?”

Well, for the last question Dean definitely can’t help as he has never proposed to somebody before but he can definitely find flowers to say something for this guy who looks terrified. Dean hopes she says yes, if just to spare this guy’s nerves.

“Well... if you want my professional opinion, a dozen roses isn’t right for the job,” Dean says. Inias gives him a confused look. “A dozen roses say ‘be mine’ but more in the context of declaring your love initially, not proposing marriage. One hundred and eight roses actually say ‘will you marry me?’ but I’m guessing you don’t want to buy that many?”

Inias shakes his head, now chewing his bottom lip again. “What should I do then?”

Dean tilts his head, surveying the cabinet. He smiles and tells Inias to wait before heading out back and doing up a bouquet. He wraps it in the pretty gold and white plastic Jo had talked him into ordering before going back and presenting it to Inias.

“Eleven roses mean ‘you are my treasured one’, purple tulips mean ‘forever love’ and ivy means several things, one of which is ‘marriage’,” Dean explains as Inias takes it, looking down at the flowers, his nervous smile back in place.

“They’re perfect!” Inias says. “Thank you, Dean.”

“My pleasure.” Dean sends Inias to the front counter which is being manned by Jo who is forcing her smile after the recent rush of unpleasant customers. Dean watches Inias talk to Jo and her smile becomes a little more genuine. He feels the ache again and shakes his head, trying to clear it. This is ridiculous... he can’t possibly be _lonely_? Right?

He scowls to himself for a moment before ducking into the cafe to check on things where he’s accosted by some soccer mums and his mind is placed firmly back on his job.

***

Dean’s the last person in the shop once they close. It’s late and he’s cleaning up the last of the flowers. Usually it’s one of the others’ job but he let them all leave since they did such a great job today. He plans on staying until everything is spotless but his phone buzzes.

**From: Benny**

_You better not still be at the shop, Dean. Go home. Get some rest. The cleaning can wait._

_Received on 2014/02/14 21:43_

Dean laughs. Still looking out for him even in a different time zone. He looks around. He’s gotten the left over flowers sorted and stored in the cool room. He’ll have them taken to the hospital and given to patients in the morning. Everything is relatively tidy as it is and he knows Benny’s right so he sighs deeply and goes to collect Charlie’s present so he can go home.

She’s waiting for him when he gets to their apartment. She’s dressed up and has clearly been waiting for him for a while.

“Sorry, I’m late,” he says.

Charlie just raises her eyebrows. “You always say that and yet you’re always late.” Dean struggles out of his coat, placing the flowers he’s carrying onto the hall side table. Charlie spots them and grins. “Are those for me?”

Dean rolls his eyes. She knows they are. He hands the bouquet of allium and sage to Charlie as he passes her and grins when she laughs.

“Aw, best Valentine’s Day gift ever,” she teases.

Dean has given her those flowers every year for Valentine’s since they started living together and discovered their shared love of all things _Star Trek_. It’s quite funny actually, considering that when she moved in – after answering Dean’s desperate internet ad looking for a roommate for his ridiculously priced apartment – she claimed she could only stand to live with someone “like him” for a few months. Yet, here she remains five years later. It’s probably because Dean is sure they were twins in another life. Charlie is practically his soul mate; sometimes people confuse them for a couple until they realise Charlie likes the ladies and Dean... well, Dean is an equal opportunity lover but lately he’s had a preference for muscles over soft curves.

“Live long and prosper,” Dean shrugs dropping his bag and scarf on the couch.

“More romantic than roses, definitely.” Charlie presses a quick kiss to his cheek. “I have dinner ready, so go eat and then we can hit the bars!”

Dean pulls a face. That ache is back. “I don’t feel like it tonight.”

Charlie pauses in the act of putting water in a vase for the flowers and looks at him with wide eyes.

“Are you ill?” she enquires. Dean raises his eyebrows. “Because that is the only reason I can think of that Dean Winchester, of all people, doesn’t want to go out and get some on our favourite holiday.”

“I’m not sick I just... don’t feel like a meaningless hook up.”

Charlie studies him and Dean fidgets uncomfortably. He doesn’t want to try to explain how he’s feeling right now and he’s bracing himself for Charlie’s inevitable barrage of questions. He’s surprised then when Charlie just ducks over to the fridge, pulls out two beers and shoves them in Dean’s hands. She then serves up the stir-fry she made and pushes Dean over to the couch where they sit together and she queues up _Star Wars Episode IV_ on Netflix.

“Cheers!” she says, plucking her beer from him as Dean is staring at her in wonder.

“Charlie, just because I’m boring tonight doesn’t mean you have to stay,” he protests weakly. He hopes she doesn’t leave though. Charlie gives him a _look_ as if she knows he’s thinking just that and settles back more comfortably into their worn couch.

“I know but it’s not as much fun without my wingman.”

Dean’s not stupid, she obviously worried about him – that’s nothing new – and doesn’t want to leave him alone. Charlie’s the only person who knows practically Dean’s entire history and when he says or does something that she deems out of character she starts mother henning him. He can sense the mother henning coming.

“Though...” Charlie picks at the label on her beer bottle and Dean glances at her. “At this rate we are going to be alone forever.”

Dean chuckles. “We have each other.”

Charlie gives him a once-over and arches an eyebrow perfectly. “You might be happy with that, I mean let’s face it who doesn’t want all this? But I am not down with that, Winchester.”

Dean laughs and the weird ache he’s felt all day fades a little.


	2. Arranging wedding flowers: just what the doctor ordered

Dean’s pleased to walk into the shop just after opening on the Monday following Valentine’s Day and find Benny placing bouquets in the refrigerated cabinets.

“Hey man!” Dean says, squeezing Benny’s shoulder when he comes close enough. “How was the wedding?”

“It was wonderful. Elizabeth looked beautiful. Never thought I’d get to walk someone down the aisle, brother,” Benny responds. Dean knows that Benny’s brother was an absent father and that he practically raised Elizabeth so even though he is her uncle, she treats him more like a father. Benny’s adoration for her is always obvious which is why Dean absolutely would not let him miss the wedding for work.

“I’m glad.” Dean smiles and wanders to the back room. Benny follows him. “So, where are you up to?”

“We have a few special orders for today, I left them for you.” Benny smiles and Dean returns it as he sits behind one of the tables and pulls the order forms to him to look them over. “I looked over the sales for Valentine’s Day. It was impressive.”

“It’s the biggest profit I’ve made since I reopened the shop.” Dean looks up and grins at Benny. “And I did it all without you. And you thought I couldn’t survive without you.”

Benny shakes his head slowly with a smile. Dean enjoys that smile. It’s because of that smile that sometimes he can’t think of the first months after meeting Benny without flushing with intense embarrassment and being tempted to bang his head against the wall.

“I’ll get you the flowers you need,” Benny finally says, choosing not to indulge Dean’s teasing. Dean tries not to watch him as he moves into the cool room and collects the flowers Dean needs for the orders, he really does try. Even now, though, it’s hard for him not to appreciate Benny’s physical form. He shouldn’t let himself think that. One embarrassing night brought on by too much alcohol is enough for any friendship.

Dean focuses on the special orders and gives them all the attention and care they deserve. It’s past opening when he finishes and he places them in the cool room for James to deliver after the morning coffee rush.

This is why he loves his job. This simple pleasure he gets from creating. Even if he has that strange ache that feels like something missing from his life.

***

Two weeks later, Dean is manning the main shop on his own. Benny’s off on a delivery run and he’s sent Amy to lunch since it is fairly quiet. He’s rearranging the books underneath the counter when he hears the bell over the door chime. He doesn’t get up right away even though he knows it’s unprofessional to keep a customer waiting but his head is in the cabinet and he’s trying to reach the books that somehow were pushed into the back corner where nobody can get to them when they’re needed.

“Hello?”

Dean startles violently and whacks the crown of his head on the roof of the cupboard.

“Fuck, fucking, fuck, fuck!” he curses as he crawls out.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to sneak up on you. I couldn’t see anybody in here.”

Dean’s rubbing the top of his head and if it wasn’t throbbing so badly he thinks he might have begun drooling a little as the sound of that deep, rough voice speaking from above. He tilts his head up and meets a pair of startlingly intense blue eyes beneath a tousled mess of dark hair. What was he going to say again?

“No worries...” Dean eventually mumbles. A smile begins on the man’s face.

“So, I need some help,” the man states and Dean flushes, realising he is still kneeling behind the counter staring at his customer. He scrambles to get up and the man backs away. Dean notices he’s wearing a very nice tailored suit. He’s dressed like the dickbags Dean usually deals with but has none of the assholishness that goes along with the suits.

“Sure, right, sorry,” Dean says, oh so coherently. “Uh, what can I do for you?”

“I’m on a wedding mission.” The man’s eyes flicker down to Dean’s chest and then back up to his face. “Dean... you would be the owner?”

“That’s me, Dean Winchester.” He manages to put his hand out for a handshake without knocking anything down so Dean counts it as a win. Especially when the man accepts his handshake with another small smile, his hand slightly rough and fitting wonderfully around Dean’s.

“Castiel Novak,” he introduces himself. He releases Dean’s hand after a moment too long and Dean subtly flexes his hand against the warm tingles flowing through it. “My sister, Anna, is getting married. Unfortunately for myself and my brothers she has decided she wants the wedding to be in early April and thus has given us all jobs to assist in the planning.”

Dean feels a smile growing on his face, imagining a very stressed bride ordering her brothers around to make her big day perfect.

“And you got stuck with flower duty?”

Castiel nods, smile growing a little as he studies Dean. “It was mostly my own fault. I refused to go cake testing with Gabriel as I was originally supposed to so Anna gave me this job instead.” He hesitates slightly and leans towards Dean. “I have to confess, I don’t know anything about flowers or weddings so I really need your help or she’s going to murder me.”

Dean’s startled into a laugh. “That’s why I’m here, man. We do a fair few weddings every year. It’s uh...” He feels his cheeks heating up again in embarrassment. “Weddings are kind of my favourite. I get to go a little fancier for those arrangements than for any other occasion.”

Castiel gives Dean a very warm look. “Good. That’s great. It was actually her fiancé, Inias, who recommended you to me.”

Dean’s surprised. He remembers Inias and finds himself pleased that the proposal obviously went well. And now he’s about to get a wedding job. He’ll actually get to make something particularly special and weddings are always profitable.

“Right... just let me...” Dean gestures down and Castiel nods, looking amused as Dean ducks down under the counter to locate his catalogues. He also drags out his floriography dictionary. He mostly knows it by heart but wedding arrangements need to mean the right thing. He’d hate to be the one to curse the happy couple with bad luck by putting something like columbine or wormwood into their arrangements.

He drops the books on the counter and pulls a notepad over to him.

“Okay, so does she have a theme?” Dean asks. Castiel seems surprised but pulls out a phone and starts tapping as he tilts his head.

“I’m not sure if she has a particular theme but she does have a vision. She has already chosen her dress and the bridesmaid dresses, if that helps.”

“Definitely.” Dean smiles at Castiel who returns it, eyes piercing through Dean’s in a way that makes his stomach swoop pleasantly. He busies himself with Castiel’s phone which he has placed onto the counter open to a series of photos of a beautiful white dress. It has a full skirt of tulle or some other gauzy material but it’s the lace Dean focuses on. The dress has beautiful long sleeves made of lace. He can appreciate the style of this dress and ideas begin to take root in his mind.

He starts flipping to get to the bridesmaid dresses so that he can rule out colours.

“I’m sorry about the quantity of photos, Anna sent them all to me and I haven’t had time to delete the excess ones,” Castiel says softly. Dean likes his voice, he hopes Castiel will remain the flower coordinator throughout the month until the wedding because that means he’ll get to see him more often. He’s sort of ridiculously attractive and Dean can’t seem to stop the flustered feeling swirling around in his chest. The last time he had that flustered feeling around somebody it resulted in drunken romantic advances and a month of awkward silences. He wants to see this man again, just to look really, but he really doesn’t want that again.

Castiel seems to be waiting for a response so Dean hums softly as he studies the pictures of the dresses, he doesn’t mind, they’re helpful for ruling out some of the possibilities. He slides to the next photo which is of a redheaded woman and Castiel.

“Is this her?” Dean wonders, quietly hoping for the affirmative. _Please don’t say she’s your girlfriend or wife._

“Yes, that is Anna,” Castiel nods.

“Red hair... okay then...” Dean flicks back to the photo of Anna’s dress and then to the bridesmaid dresses again. “I think I have a few ideas.” He reaches out and flips open one of his order books to look through the flowers. “She’s going for elegance, obviously, so we’ll have to have roses.”

Castiel nods, eyes sliding over to watch as Dean flips through the book with his left hand and drags his notebook in closer with his right. He starts jotting down the names of some roses before turning to another book and flipping through the pages quickly.

He writes down four variations of the theme he is considering. The dress Anna has picked is what he has heard called ‘timeless’. The floral detail on the lace means he can’t go overboard with the kinds of flowers in her bouquet but he wants to make something that will match the sheer elegance and class of the gown.

“So... I’m thinking we should go with pink and white for the flowers... yes, no?” Dean wonders, looking up. “I mean, blues and purples would look okay but the bridesmaids are wearing gold and I’m worried cooler colours would drag down the look I think your sister is going for.”

Castiel opens his mouth for a moment before closing it and then groans, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“I don’t know why Anna picked me for this job, I know nothing about this vision she has for the wedding,” he bemoans. Dean tries hard not to notice the swooping in his stomach when Castiel runs a hand through his hair, leaving it somewhere between just-rolled-out-of-bed and just-had-mind-blowing-sex rumpled. Dean bites his bottom lip hard and looks down at the catalogue of roses.

“Well... how about I make up some samples and you bring the bride in to look and decide which one matches her vision for her big day? That way most of the work is done, all she has to do is pick out her favourite and we can pretend you decided on the shortlist,” Dean suggests. He peeks up under his eyelashes to find Castiel giving him a look of unadulterated gratitude.

“I am sure Anna can spare some time to do that.”

“Excellent. So, I have some ideas down here, basically variations on the one kind of theme that will match the dress and I... what?” Dean frowns as he notices Castiel gazing at him with an odd smile on his face.

“Nothing... Simply, you must really love this.”

“Uh...” Dean curses when he finds himself blushing for the third time in Castiel’s presence. “Yeah... this shop, it used to be my mum’s and she taught me... well... Everything about plants and I guess... yeah...” Dean doesn’t really like to talk about his memories in the shop and it’s worse with how Castiel is already making him feel.

He shakes his head a little and avoids the intense look he’s getting from the man opposite him and hunts down an order form.

“Okay so, I need some contact info, if that’s okay.” Dean starts to write down the man’s name and leaves it as ‘Cas’ just in case he butchers the spelling. Castiel notices.

“T-I-E-L,” he says, looking amused again. “But Cas is okay, I like it.”

Dean feels a little warm at that and gets his phone number and they arrange a possible day for Cas to bring Anna in next week and see what Dean has done up for her. As they’re finishing up, Dean handing over a business card to Cas with his personal cell scribbled down under the shop’s number – just in case there’s any problems, Dean tells himself even though he’s never done it for any other wedding order – Benny returns from his delivery run and pauses in the door from the back room.

Dean knows he’s being obvious as he says goodbye to Cas but he can tell the other man is flirting back a little - the way he smiles when he says that he is “looking forward to seeing your creations” - so his embarrassment is lessened slightly.

Cas leaves the shop and Dean does-absolutely-not check out his ass in those tailored pants.

He hears a throat clear a lot closer than he expected and turns to find Benny smirking at him as he leans on the counter.

“Who was that?” he questions, eyes crinkled with his barely concealed mirth.

“Customer,” Dean mutters. “His sister’s getting married.”

“Wedding orders. Good. You need a good project to put you in a better mood... though, _he_ just might be a little better for your mood than making bouquets for a bride.” Benny’s grinning now as Dean turns his back, attempting to hide the pink on his cheeks. “He looks like just the type you need to drag to bed and relieve some of this tension you’ve been building up.”

Dean glares over his shoulder.

“You’re awful. Go and do something useful,” he orders half-heartedly.

“Alright then, boss. But I saw the look on your face.” Dean continues to glower as Benny walks away and returns his attention to his books. He gathers the notebook and order books and heads into the back room to finish. It’s quieter in there and he has less chance of being disturbed.

Benny’s being ridiculous, he tells himself as he alters some of his possible arrangements. Just because he was flirting doesn’t mean he has any intention of making a move. Castiel looked like all those dicks who look down their nose at Dean because of his job. In other words, Castiel is probably out of his league and Dean does not need another opportunity to go pining after somebody unattainable. So, when Cas comes in next Dean will probably still flirt but he certainly won’t be doing anything Benny suggests he should do.


	3. It's just a stupid little crush... Right?

Dean finishes the possible designs for Anna’s bouquet the following day and spends the next few days jotting down the notes he’ll give her once she chooses one. He writes down possible versions of bridesmaid bouquets and boutonnieres for each bouquet design and then has to stop himself from getting too far ahead. He has no idea if Anna even wants arrangements for the reception or any flowers for the church or hall or wherever she’s getting married so he stops himself from writing more notes but has images in his head of complementary designs to go with each bouquet Anna has to choose from.

He orders the flowers to come on Monday night and he’ll make sure they’re done perfectly when Anna and Cas arrive the next morning to look at them. He orders a few excess so he can whip up any of his extra ideas if Anna wants to see them. Dean really loves designing wedding arrangements.

On Friday night Benny has had enough of Dean sequestering himself in the back room and drags him to the Roadhouse after closing. Dean complains the entire way but promptly shuts up when he sees Charlie and Jo already waiting for him at a table, sitting close together as usual and pretending not to flirt. He hasn’t sat down to a drink with his friends in far too long. So maybe Benny was being a controlling mother hen but he had good ideas.

They supply him with beer and Dean begins to relax for the first time this week.

“So, Benny tells us you’re jonesing for a new customer,” Jo states casually but Dean is well aware of the way they’re watching him, waiting for some sign of confirmation. He sips calmly at his beer and glances off to the pool table where several patrons are disputing a rule. “Oh come on!”

Dean grins. “What?”

“Tell us!” Charlie demands.

“Nothing to tell.”

“His name’s Castiel Novak,” Benny says and Dean kicks him under the table.

“Wait, as in Novak Brothers and Associates?” Jo asks.

“Um... is that supposed to mean anything to me?” Dean wonders.

“Sam’s pre-law so yeah, and when he gets to law school he said the most sought after internship in any law school in the country is with that firm.”

“It’s a law firm?” When the others nod Dean frowns and thinks back on all his conversations with Sam about law school and internships. He vaguely remembers the name Novak being mentioned.

“The most successful law firm in the country,” Jo adds. “Not to mention one of the brothers, Lucifer I think, owns major shares in a tech company. And one of the other brothers owns a different company. They have more money than God.”

“Or maybe just Tony Stark,” Charlie jokes. “God doesn’t need money.”

The others laugh a little and Dean rubs his face.

“Then why is their sister getting her wedding flowers through my shop? If they’re that rich why not just order flowers from one of those big fancy places in some huge city?”

“Dean, none of those big fancy shops could do anything near as beautiful as you can,” Charlie chastises. “She obviously knows that and chose you because she wants personality in her wedding, not something generic.”

“Wait, wait, wait... rich people have personalities?” Jo jokes.

“Cas did,” Dean muttered.

“Ooh, _Cas_? When do you see him again?” Charlie questions, leaning over and bumping their shoulders together.

“He and his sister will be in on Tuesday before opening to see my designs.” Dean flushes. “And will you stop talking like that? He’s a customer.”

They don’t stop talking about it for the rest of the evening and Dean sits quietly embarrassed the entire time, silently drinking his beers and the whiskey that the waitress brings to him while he ignores the others. But they’re his friends so he lets them have their fun even though he’s secretly plotting a humiliating revenge for each of them. His mind is also on this newfound knowledge about Cas. He obviously comes from an affluent family, one with status and respect. And Dean, he comes from nothing. Why would someone like Cas even look twice at him?

“Come on Dean, let me take you home.”

Dean glances up at Charlie. She takes his arm and tugs. He wonders why she’s looking at him like that until the world starts spinning when he tries to stand. She catches him and laughs lightly.

“I’m fine to drive, where did you park the car?” she asks. Dean presses the keys for the Impala into her hand with a slurred warning. Charlie rolls her eyes, she’s heard it before, and helps him stumble out of the bar, Benny and Jo calling goodbyes after them.

“How did...” Dean frowns, trying to work his tongue around the words. “How did I get s’ drunk?”

Charlie frowns sadly. “You’ve been steadily drinking for the last two hours after you started ignoring the rest of us.”

Two hours? Dean has no idea how he manages to do this. He leans on Charlie and grumbles.

“Are you okay?” she asks him softly as she leads him over to the car and unlocks it. Dean doesn’t answer. “You’ve been acting weird for a while now. Tonight is the worst though. You never drink this much if you have to work the next day.”

Dean shrugs as he falls into the passenger seat of his car.

“Hi Baby,” he says, stroking the seat as he hunches up, curving around his knees. Charlie frowns at him.

“Dean, you can talk to me,” she says quietly.

“Nothin’ to talk about,” he mutters. “Not good enough for him...so’s nothin’ to talk about.”

Charlie blinks in surprise. She’s concentrating on driving but Dean can practically see the thoughts running around her brilliant head.

“Are you talking about Cas? Dean, did you drink that much because of our teasing?” She looks visibly upset. “You know we didn’t mean to upset you right?”

“No’ upset.”

“Uh, you kind of are.”

Dean glares at her. He hates that Charlie knows him so well. His head won’t stop spinning and he can’t think of anything to say in response so he just turns and rests his forehead on the window. The glass is cold and it feels nice on his cheek.

“Dean...” Charlie sighs but doesn’t try and coax him into more conversation. She just helps him up the stairs to their apartment and puts him to bed. Dean falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow and what he can remember of his dreams from that night involve deep blue eyes.

***

Dean wakes in the morning feeling groggy with a gurgling, unhappy stomach. He doesn’t feel terribly hung over which lessens his chances of having done anything stupid. He frowns as he considers this and realises he was only drunk, not completely trashed. He can still remember last night, growing feelings of regret and self-loathing while listening to the others talking about his new favourite customer. He’s thankful, as usual, for Charlie dragging him home before he could get worse.

Dean gets out of bed and looks at his alarm clock.

9:17 am

Nine.... seventeen?

Dean swears and scrambles to his wardrobe. He’s late for work. He’s never late for work.

He and Benny trade off Saturdays so that they don’t leave Jo and Kevin running the shop alone with only Claire and Emma running the cafe.

He’s muttering to himself as he rushes from his room to take a rapid shower and he stumbles into Charlie.

“Whoa, big guy!” she states. “What’s the rush?”

“I’m late for work!”

“Uh, no, you’re not. Benny told me he would take care of opening so I turned off your alarm clock. You can get there in your own time and work the rest of the day if you feel up to it,” Charlie assures him. Dean blinks at her and as the words sink in he relaxes slightly.

“Right... well... thanks.” He shuffles awkwardly. “And... um... for last night...”

“What are roommates for?” Charlie smiles at him. Dean steps around her to go into the bathroom and she catches his arm. “Hey, don’t get all Broody McSourpants on me, okay? Nobody’s too good for you Dean, I promise.”

Dean scoffs. “Sure. I’m such a catch. Everybody wants a... well, somebody like me for a boyfriend.”

Charlie opens her mouth to argue, looking angry and Dean just steps into the bathroom, shutting the door with what he hopes is a loud finality. He knows he can’t escape Charlie’s concern forever but he can try very hard to.

He manages to leave the apartment without her catching him for a _talk_ and arrives at the shop to find it empty but for several customers sitting down in the cafe. He avoids Jo and Benny’s gazes as he wanders through to the back room. Kevin is in there, sweeping up some dried petals and doing general cleaning.

Dean adores that kid. He had been unsure about hiring him at first, he’s an advanced placement student with a mother from hell but he told Dean he wanted a job to relax. Dean had never heard anything that ludicrous but when Kevin comes in after school or on Saturday mornings he’s always tense, two hours into his shift and his shoulders straighten from their perpetual hunch and he starts smiling. Kevin works hard and does everything he’s asked. Dean’s started teaching him how to make arrangements. There’s nothing more relaxing than arranging flowers for Dean so he thinks Kevin might find something similar in the activity. The kid’s not too bad either.

“Hi Dean!” he says, with a welcoming smile.

“Hey kid,” Dean responds, blinking against the bright lights in the back room. Kevin’s trying not to laugh. “What?”

“Benny said you were hung over,” Kevin explains. “Big night?”

Dean shrugs one shoulder and looks around. Everything’s been done and he can’t see any special orders waiting around to be filled. He groans. He doesn’t want to go out into the shop. Benny and Jo will just pester him and try to apologise or whatever for last night and he doesn’t really want to think about it.

“I saw your plans for those wedding bouquets,” Kevin says, startling Dean out of his reverie. “They look pretty... complicated.”

Dean tilts his head. “I guess so. I’ll be making them up on Monday night. You wanna hang back after work and give me a hand?”

Kevin’s face brightens. “Sure!”

Dean nods and then goes back into the shop to send Benny home. There’s no point having both of them around. Benny leaves with thankfully little prodding and Dean manages to silence Jo’s attempt to start a conversation with a single look. She glares back but stalks off to dust shelves so he decides she’s not going to bother him for now.

After that Emma’s constant chatter, Jo and Kevin bickering and Claire receiving compliments from every customer she serves for her smile and manners make the day feel normal. Dean’s mood may have been effectively ruined for the day this morning but he finds himself feeling better and letting his mind move away from darker thoughts. It’s enough that he’s smiling by the time they close up and he says goodbye to his weekend team.

He wonders if his luck has changed when Charlie doesn’t say anything to him that night, or even the next day when they’re lazing in their pyjamas and marathon watching _Stargate SG-1_. It was his choice – Dean may have a bit of a thing for Jack, but then who doesn’t think Richard Dean Anderson is sexy?

His bad mood has completely passed by Monday night when he and Kevin stay back at the shop to work on the samples for Anna. He’s threading snowberries into one of the bouquets when his phone starts going off next to him. Kevin looks up from where he’s removing thorns from roses for the next bouquet but Dean waves at him to keep going.

His heart leaps when he sees _Cas Novak_ flashing on the screen.

“Hi,” Dean answers and then shuts his eyes in aggravation. Hi? Really? He couldn’t think of something  clever to say?

“Hello, Dean,” Cas greets and Dean’s stomach clenches at the sound of his voice. “I just wanted to confirm that we’re still meeting tomorrow.”

“Definitely. I’m making up the designs for Anna right now,” Dean responds. Business. Okay, just stick to business.

“Great. We’ll be there at seven sharp,” Cas promises. He’s quiet but it’s a loaded silence so Dean waits for him to say whatever it is he wants to. “I am curious about how much time goes into these arrangements.”

“It depends on what’s in them. All of these are pretty elaborate without being gaudy so they’re taking some time.” Dean tweaks the petals of a rose in his current bouquet. “I always put as much time as I can into my arrangements.”

There’s a warm chuckle on the other end of the line. Dean’s stomach swoops and he stares down determinedly at his hand. It’s been a long time since he’s been this attracted to someone after just one meeting.

“You’re dedicated, aren’t you? Right, well I will see you in the morning. Good night, Dean.”

“Yeah, see you.” Dean waits until Cas hangs up and then drops his head onto the table, groaning.

“Uh... Dean?” Kevin sounds concerned. “Is everything okay?”

“I’m going to go lock myself in the cool room. Maybe I’ll freeze to death.”

“Oh... kay?”

***

To say Dean is nervous in the morning would be an understatement. Benny is handling opening the way he usually does as Dean sits and bites at his nails, anxiously watching the clock and waiting for Cas and his sister to arrive. What if they hate everything he’s made? What if Anna decides his work is unsophisticated and she wants one of those big, fancy upmarket places to do her wedding flowers instead? What if-?

“Dean, brother, you’ve bitten down to nothing, your finger is bleeding!” Benny’s voice breaks him out of his darkening thoughts and so does his hand tugging on Dean’s wrist. Dean looks down and sees that he has in fact bitten his index finger’s nail down to the point where blood is seeping up at the edge.

“Shit,” he mutters.

“Is this about seeing that guy again?”

Dean scoffs. “Why do you all think I’m obsessed with him or something? This is about his sister hating what I made. If they have more money than God then they can afford to go to some upmarket place in New York that does all the rich people’s weddings and get things imported that I can’t even dream about ever getting to use in an arrangement.”

“Dean,” Benny sighs.

“What?”

“Nothing. Just, stop being so hard on yourself. You hear me?”

“Yeah, yeah.”

They hear the bell chime over the front door. Since their sign clearly states they’re not open it can only mean one thing.

“Show time,” Benny says. “Knock ‘em dead, tiger.”

Dean rolls his eyes and ducks out to greet Cas and his sister. They’re both dressed in business wear and Anna, more beautiful in person than the photo Dean saw made her seem, is looking around the shop with interest. Cas is following her until he spots Dean and a smile spreads across his face, doing things to Dean that he doesn’t need right now. Dean smiles back weakly as Cas reaches out and touches Anna’s arm.

“Oh! Hi!” she greets with a bright smile. “You must be Dean. I’m Anna!”

“Hi, it’s nice to meet you,” Dean responds, holding out his hand. Anna shakes it firmly and follows when Dean gestures to the back room. “I’ve set up the sample bouquets out here if you want to come and take a look. It’s just the bride’s bouquet for now because whichever one you choose I’ll design the rest of the bridal party arrangements around it so they match.”

“Oh, smart,” Anna responds. “And you know the date for the wedding right? It won’t be a problem getting it all done and to the venue that day?”

“April fifth, right?”

“Right.”

“It won’t be an issue at all. Over here.” Dean stops by the table hosting the four bouquets he painstakingly put together the night before. The cool room kept them in almost perfect condition and he’s quite proud of all of them but he chews his bottom lip as Anna and Cas move closer to examine them.

“They’re so beautiful,” Cas breaths and Dean ducks his head to hide his blush. He can’t stop the warmth curling through his chest at the praise.

“How am I supposed to choose?” Anna laments. Dean glances up to see her wearing a tragic expression. She turns to Dean with bright eyes. “They’re perfect! Dean, thank you so much! Now I have to pick one, don’t I?”

Dean laughs a little. “That would certainly help me.”

Anna looks back at the four arrangements. “And would you design my table centre pieces and the other decorations for the ceremony around the same theme?”

“Uh...” Dean hesitates. “I would probably go with something complementary so they don’t seem monotonous.”

Anna beams. “That sounds fantastic.”

Dean decides he likes this woman. She’s bright and effervescent and genuinely seems to appreciate his efforts. He shuffles a little as she continues to look.

“Well, I’m going to say no to this one,” Anna decides, pointing at the one arrangement that Dean varied his colour theme. He wanted to give Anna the option of cooler colours in case that’s what she wanted even though he thought it might look odd with the gold bridesmaid dresses. “It’s gorgeous but not right.”

“That’s what we thought too,” Cas nods, tilting his head and sharing a smile with Dean. “You want warm colours.”

“I do...” Anna takes a deep breath and then points. “This one. It’s... it’s something else. I can’t imagine anything better.”

Dean grins. The one Anna is indicating took him the longest because the roses he was using were personal favourites and he wanted it to be perfect. It’s medium sized with a white, satin ribbon holding the stems together.

He used two kinds of roses, Miss Piggy roses which are a beautiful pink with very slight yellowing at the tips of the petals and White Rosalie roses which are such a delicate, pale shade of pink they seem white. To complement these he added white carnations. The bouquet is framed with ivy and variegated pittosporum and he dispersed various other flowers amongst the carnations and roses: snowberries, hydrangea and astilbe. The overall effect is white and pink and green and he feels it is elegant enough to match Anna’s gown without appearing gaudy beside the lace.

Dean informs Anna of the flowers involved and she nods approvingly.

“What would the other bouquets look like?” Anna asks. Dean reaches over and grabs his notebook, placing a tick beside option 1 and flipping to the page he’d been making notes on.

“The bridesmaids would carry essentially miniature versions of this,” Dean explains. He notices the siblings watching him intently. He tries not to let it make him nervous. He’s good at this and Anna likes what he’s made, she’s not going to shoot him down for what he has planned out. “They’d carry the Miss Piggy roses, those are the pink ones, with carnations, astilbe and snowberries and layered with ivy. The same for the boutonnieres for the men in the bridal party: one Missy Piggy, one carnation and a sprig of astilbe so that they all match.”

Anna is still smiling. “I like the sound of that. I was hoping to get some arrangements to line the aisle and I would like them to match the centre pieces of the table. Can you give me any idea of what you’d use for those?”

Dean lists off a few ideas and Anna nods happily.

“Okay then, I’ll give you free reign on all of that.”

“I- I’m sorry, what?” Dean blinks at her in surprise. “Don’t you... don’t you want a say in your wedding flowers?”

“Well, yes, that’s why I picked my bouquet. I’ve seen these, they’re gorgeous, and I certainly know my big brother had nothing to do with the choices.” Anna grins at Cas who rubs the back of his neck, a look of pained frustration on his face. “So I trust you. I’m making this wedding a bit of a rush job, I know, but I don’t want to wait. I’ve always wanted an April wedding... like our parents had.” She shrugs and Dean thinks he understands the look that flits across her face. “I don’t really have time to make every decision so I’m going to give you freedom on this.”

Dean can hardly believe it. He loves having room to be creative when it comes to making people’s arrangements but he’s never just been given free reign before. It sends a jolt of excitement through him. He makes a quick note on a clear page in his notebook but knows he can’t get carried away just yet.

Cas is watching Dean. His lips are twitching as though he’s trying not to smile.

“You look like a kid on Christmas morning,” he finally says. Dean grins at him.

“I feel like it too. There’s so many options, I need to start writing them down so I can narrow the list.”

Cas hesitates. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

Dean notices Anna peeking at them as she does something on her phone. She turns to snap a photo of the bouquet. Dean looks back at Cas and fumbles for an excuse so that he can’t say yes and keep the man here indefinitely for his own entertainment.

“Well, my questions would mainly be for Anna. Like, is there anything you want me to change in the bouquet? And are there flowers anybody at the wedding is allergic to? We can arrange a couple of meetings for me to show you what I’m creating and I-“

He’s thankfully interrupted from his rambling by the bride to be.

“Actually...” Anna draws the word out as her eyes slide between Dean and Cas and a smile begins on her face. She turns to Dean fully and smiles brightly. “I have to go to New York for business for the next couple of weeks, that’s why my dear brothers are being oh so helpful.”

“We’re being coerced through blackmail,” Cas corrects. Anna elbows him.

“Anyway, you’ll be dealing mainly with Cas. I do hope that’s okay. I’m sure you can handle him. If he gives you trouble call Inias and he can take care of things. I do need flowers for the rehearsal dinner but Cas knows what I want so he’ll organise all of that with you.”

Dean nods slowly. “Um... yeah, that’s... sure.” He swallows nervously, thinking of all the ways he could gladly _handle_ Cas. None of them have anything to do with Anna’s wedding plans. Dean looks down at his notebook and starts writing again, he does not need this in the middle of business.

“Oh!” Anna looks down at her phone. “That’s my fiancé. Talk amongst yourselves boys.”

As Anna takes her call Cas moves closer to Dean and peers down at the notes he’s making.

“What are the extra notes?” Cas wonders. Dean frowns and glances around at him. “The words in shorthand next to the plant names?”

“Oh.” Dean feels his cheeks colour and he fiddles with his pen. “That’s uh... just my little hobby, I guess? It’s kind of the reason I got into the whole flower business in the first place.”

He moves over to the shelf by his work station and plucks up a book. He shows it to Cas who reads the title carefully.

“Floriography? That’s the language of flowers, isn’t it?” Cas’s head is tilted again, lips twitching into a small smile.

“When I do an arrangement for somebody I like to choose flowers – where possible – that match their purpose.” Dean shrugs, still feeling embarrassed as he looks down.

“You really do love your craft. I can understand that.”

Dean looks up in surprise. Cas is looking at him with a small smile that feels very private and Dean feels warm again.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

He can’t take the intensity of Cas’s gaze much longer and he looks away, struggling for something else to say. The air in the few feet between them feels charged with energy and Dean needs to get away before it starts affecting his decisions. He moves over to the second work station where Benny had been making the day’s arrangements while Dean silently panicked. He picks up some purple lilacs and turns back to Cas.

“What is it that you love to do?” he finds himself asking, feeling a little braver with the warm flush of success lingering.

Cas smiles. “If I told you that, I’d have to kill you.”

“So it’s a secret then.” Dean moves back over. He knows he’s flirting now and he’s not even trying to control it. He can’t help himself around this man it seems. “I’m good at keeping secrets. Promise.”

Cas laughs. “If you keep looking at me like that I might tell you. But... I’m going to turn away before you can convince me.”

“Aw, come on.”

“Nope.” Cas leans towards Dean slightly. “I’m a closed book, I’m afraid, Dean.”

“A challenge then. I like those.”

Cas laughs again, the sound making Dean’s smile wider. “I’ll think about it... if you let me get to know you a little better.”

Dean blushes slightly when he notices the look Cas is giving him, the dark blue of his eyes smouldering as they bore into Dean’s. He swallows nervously but nods. He is so screwed.

Anna comes back into the room before either of them can speak again. She gives Dean a hug as she thanks him and promises to check up on things when she gets back from her business trip. She informs Cas that they will be late for work if they don’t leave soon but disappears without him, a smile on her face.

Cas looks at Dean one last time.

“Just remember, I want to know your secrets,” Dean tells him, reaching out after a moment of hesitation to tuck a purple lilac into the pocket of Cas’s suit jacket. He looks down at the flower in surprise.

“What does it mean?” he wonders.

Dean’s heart skips a beat and his mouth runs dry but he manages to respond with “well, that’s _my_ secret” without his voice showing signs of his fear. Cas’s eyes narrow playfully and he gives Dean one last smile before leaving.

Dean waits until they’re both out of the shop before whooping happily over the result of their meeting. It’s great whenever things start looking up in his life. He usually gets suspicious when it happens but for now he’s happy to enjoy the feeling of success for a little while; he feels he deserves it.


	4. Dad's a deadbeat, so what?

The next time Dean sees Cas, it’s after hours and there’s nobody else in the shop. He’s there to go through Dean’s catalogues with him and help choose the flowers for the table centrepieces. Dean doesn’t need his help perse but Cas wants to text Anna updates on what is being chosen. Dean can’t think of any reason to say no and about a hundred reasons why he’s happy to have Cas there.

They talk about a few things casually as they settle into the back room, nothing serious but Dean enjoys the little tidbits he’s getting from Cas, stashing each new fact about him away where he can keep them safe. Their talking trails off as Dean starts working, trying to find the perfect flowers to complement what Anna has already chosen.

After five minutes of flicking through a catalogue Dean glances up to find Cas watching him.

“What?” he wonders.

Cas smiles and doesn’t answer instead he settles more comfortably in his seat. He has taken off his suit jacket and his sleeves are unbuttoned and rolled up. The view of his forearms is distracting and Dean wants to kick himself. This is what he gets for going months without getting laid. The sight of an attractive man’s _arms_ is turning him on.

“You know...” Dean swallows. “You don’t have to be here. I can text you the decisions I make.”

Cas nods. “I know. In truth though, this is rather relaxing for me. Especially after the week we’ve been having.”

He does look tired, Dean notices. He supposes that’s what being a hot shot lawyer does to you.

“What kind of lawyer are you?” Dean asks, realising he doesn’t know very much about this man.

“Not an important one if that’s what you’re wondering. My brothers are better known than me,” Cas replies. Dean gives him a curious look and he continues. “Michael’s a prosecutor, Lucifer is a defence attorney and I work mainly cases of negligence and compensation.”

Right, Dean only vaguely understands what any of that means; law has never been his strong suit.

“What about um... Gabriel? Is that your other brother’s name?”

“Yes, it is. He didn’t want to be a lawyer so he took over the company my maternal grandfather built. He has made it quite successful and we all own shares inherited when our mother passed.”

“What kind of company?” Dean wonders. Cas gets a strange look on his face as though he’s caught somewhere between laughter and exasperation. He reaches into the pocket of his long coat that he came in wearing over his suit and withdraws a chocolate bar that he slides over to Dean. “Candy? Your brother runs a _candy_ company?”

“He’s quite good at it. Hence why he is the official cake chooser for the wedding.”

Dean laughs. “That’s fantastic. Your family are lawyers and a chocolatier. My family will eventually be a lawyer and a florist. We’ve got some interesting combinations.”

Cas is looking at Dean curiously. “Who in your family is going into law?”

“My little brother. He’s a sophomore at Stanford right now on a full ride. He wants to go to law school there and... uh... he actually wants to work for your company.”

Cas looks surprised and then pleased. “Well... I’ll keep an eye out for his name then. Does he know what kind of law he wants to go into?”

“Defence... I think...” Dean frowns. “To be honest I usually switch off when he starts to get technical. I have no idea what any of it means.”

“Can I tell you a secret?” Cas asks with twinkling eyes. He leans towards Dean who mirrors the movement unconsciously. “Neither do we.”

Dean laughs. “That sounds about right. Hey, did you ever hear the joke about how to tell when a lawyer is bullshitting?”

“I believe the answer is that his mouth is moving.” Cas grins. “I’ve heard every variation of lawyer joke you can think of, Dean.”

Dean wants Cas to keep saying his name. He also wants Cas to moan his name.

The little flare of heat in his gut has him straightening up and ruining the small moment of amusement shared between them. Cas looks slightly confused and hurt but it disappears quickly as he looks down at the catalogue and points to a flower.

“These ones. I like them.”

“Calla lilies?” Dean tilts his head. “I suppose they could work. Hang on... if we use calla lilies I can tie in the bride’s bouquet by using roses in the aisle pieces and then use the lilies again in the centrepieces but with orchids instead of roses so that the theme is varied sufficiently.” He scribbles some notes in his notebook and quickly sketches out the images that pop into his head.

Cas watches the process with curiosity, that strange look in his eyes again that Dean noticed when they first met.

“I had no idea flower arranging was an art form,” he muses.

Dean frowns and shakes his head. “I’m not an artist, man.”

“Yes, you are. As much thought and preparation goes into these as does a painting or a book.”

Dean feels his cheeks getting hotter and he focuses on his notebook, not wanting to look at Cas and get lost in his eyes. He would definitely do something stupid if he let himself.

“So, the wedding’s in three weeks,” Dean says, no longer wanting this conversation on himself. He feels like Cas can see right through him.

“It is. Michael is on the warpath,” Cas sighs.

“Why?”

“Anna left him in charge of the guest list. I think it was a mistake.”

Dean chuckles. “Oh yeah?”

“He insists on calling everybody to check they have received their invitation and ask for their RSVP immediately. I’m glad he’s not the one getting married.” Cas looks thoughtful when Dean chances a glance back up at him.

“Okay! Done!” Dean shows Cas a sketch he’s made up of each arrangement with little labels.

“I believe Anna will love them. And now that it’s decided I should go and let you finish your close.” Cas stands and Dean feels a spark of disappointment that he’s leaving.

“I can... uh... make up a sample centrepiece? I won’t do the unity candle arrangement or the aisle ones as they’re huge but I can definitely do the centrepiece.”

Cas smiles down at Dean as he slips his arms back into his jacket and picks up his coat.

“I would like to see one. Shall we say Monday evening?”

Dean nods, perhaps a little too eagerly. He gets up and grabs a bucket on the way to the door to collect the leftover flowers. Cas watches as he plucks some up and places them in the bucket on the way through to the front entrance.

“What do you do with them?” Cas wonders.

Dean hesitates and fiddles with the stem of a cyclamen. He’s rather fond of these flowers, they’re unique. “I practise new arrangements and send them off to different hospitals.”

Cas doesn’t say anything and Dean’s busy staring into the bucket clutched in his arms. This man has the ability to make him feel self-conscious about everything. But then Cas reaches out and his fingers gently touch Dean’s chin, raising his face until their eyes are locked.

“You... are a very surprising man.” Cas is smiling gently. “I am enjoying getting to know you.” There’s that strange twinkle in his eyes again. “You’re an enigma, Dean Winchester. One I’m determined to unravel.”

Dean feels a flicker of fear and he looks away from Cas again, biting his lower lip.

“Not every bit of me is worth unravelling,” he mutters.

Cas makes a tutting sound. “I’ll be the judge of that.”

Dean rolls his eyes a little and looks down to where he’s still holding the cyclamen. He thinks he and the flower are in agreement and he lifts it up and slips it into Cas’s pocket as he did with the lilac. Cas looks down but this time he doesn’t look surprised so much as amused.

“What is it?”

“Cyclamen.”

“And I don’t suppose you’ll tell me what it means?”

“Nup.”

Cas shakes his head slightly. “Good night, Dean. I will see you on Monday.”

“Night Cas. Drive safe.”

Dean watches him leave with a little flutter of hope in his chest.

***

Dean had plans to enjoy his Saturday off. He really did.

But then he wakes to the incessant buzzing of someone repeatedly calling his phone. He fumbles for it and holds it down to peer at the screen.

_Dad – 15 missed calls_

“Shit...” Dean groans and flops back on the bed. He clutches the phone tightly in his fist and throws his other arm over his eyes, waiting for the next call. This is not what he wanted for his day off. This is so not what he needs right now.

He rarely hears from his father.

John Winchester was never the same after his wife died in a house fire. At first he had convinced himself it was arson – though the police and fire department both insisted it to be impossible – and he tried to find the person “responsible”. Dean and Sam were dragged with him all over the country until one day it just seemed to hit him: it had been an accident and there was nobody to punish. Without his insane vendetta John had seemed to lose all will to live. He dropped Dean and Sam with his old friend Bobby Singer and they didn’t see him for a long time.

Dean hasn’t actually _seen_ John in years but every few months he will call with some explanation about losing his job or not liking the town he’s living in and needing to move. Dean sends him money to help out even though Bobby and Sam both tell him not to every single time. Dean’s sense of responsibility won’t let him stop, though. John is his father, he may be a lousy one but that’s who he is, so he has to help him.

His phone starts buzzing again and Dean answers, bringing it to his ear wearily.

“Dad,” Dean says, hoping how tired he is of this isn’t showing in his voice.

“Dean. How are you?” John asks and Dean wonders why he even bothers. He mumbles something in response which seems to satisfy the minute parental instincts John still has. “I’ve got some bad news, Dean, I uh-“

“Don’t tell me you lost another job.” Dean groans and presses his fingertips into his forehead. “Dad-“

“Me and the boss didn’t see eye to eye.”

Honest to god, that excuse had been worn out by now. He knows it’s the truth a lot of the time but the thing they usually don’t see eye to eye on is John’s drinking and probably hardly showing up to work and being drunk when he does. Dean doesn’t say anything though; he just listens to John explaining what happened and then sighs.

“How much do you need?” he prompts.

“Not a lot. I have a place lined up in Appleton, Minnesota. And a job. I just need enough for the bond. A couple thousand.”

Dean nods to himself, trying to do the math in his head before he’s even really awake. “I’ll get it to you soon.” He hesitates. “You’ll pass through South Dakota on the way there... will you stop by and see Bobby?”

There’s silence on the other end of the line. “Probably not Dean. And look... if you could keep from mentioning this to Sammy, I’d appreciate it.”

“Yeah, sure.”

“You’re a good boy, Dean.”

Dean grunts. How could he possibly know that? He’d barely been around. Dean had never been a _boy_ because he’d had to be a man from when he was four.

He says goodbye to John and tosses his phone aside. It bounces lightly on the mattress and Dean presses the heels of his palms into his eyes and lets out a long breath. Hearing from his dad is the quickest way to kill any and all good feelings he has and right now he wants to curl up in this bed and never leave. But he can’t; he has to go and work out if he can afford to send his dad the two grand he needs to relocate halfway across the country.

The dark, billowing mass of anger and guilt and shame and resentment is rolling in on Dean and he can’t fight it back.

Then his phone buzzes twice.

He frowns and reaches for it, rolling onto his stomach and peering at the screen.

_1 New Message – Cas Novak_

Dean’s heart skips a beat. It’s probably just business but Cas is texting him and the little bit of joy that brings holds off his Dad low for a little while. He opens the text and reads it, a small smile tugging at his lips without his permission.

**From: Cas Novak**

_Please tell me not all weddings are this insane._

_Received on 2014/03/15 08:16_

Dean shakes his head. He wonders if Anna’s being a bridezilla over the phone from New York or if Cas’s brothers are terrible at carrying out their jobs.

**To: Cas Novak**

_I’ve dealt with some pretty crazy brides. It could be possible._

_Sent on 2014/03/15 08:17_

A reply comes almost immediately.

**From: Cas Novak**

_I don’t care how many of us want the world to recognise equal marriage, I will never be getting married if this is what it’s like._

_Received on 2014/03/15 08:17_

Dean grins. This is irrefutable proof that Cas is not straight. Dean had his suspicions with the way Cas flirts with him but it’s nice to have it confirmed.

His phone buzzes with another message.

**From: Cas Novak**

_Anna loves your ideas for the centrepieces. We’re both excited to see the one you make up._

_Received on 2014/03/15 08:18_

Dean buries his face in a pillow to hide his smile even though there’s nobody around to see it. Just when he thought hearing from John was going to put him in a foul mood Cas is able to take it all away. He is so, so screwed. He is so far gone on this guy he couldn’t see where he’d begun. And part of him, no matter how hard he tries to squash it, is beginning to hope he has a chance.

He’s still smiling when he goes out to make bacon for breakfast. Charlie shuffles into the kitchen and leans in the doorway wrapped in her robe. She watches Dean moving about, humming softly, and raises her eyebrows.

“Way to go, Dean-o!” she says and Dean startles, turning to stare at her.

“Huh?”

“You totally got lucky didn’t you?” she crows. “Did you do it in the back room? On a romantic bed of flower petals?”

Dean blinks as her words register. “What? No! _No_ , god no, I just sketched up designs and we talked about his company and Sam and flowers.” Dean’s blushing so he turns back to the stove and pours the egg mixture he was beating into a second pan to scramble. “Why would you even think...? Crazy...”

Charlie laughs. “Sorry but... you were humming “I can’t fight this feeling”. You’re not overly fond of REO so I figured you must be in a good mood.”

“Well...” Dean shrugs. “I am in a good mood. But no, I didn’t have sex with Cas.”

“Yet.”

“ _Charlie_.”

“ _Dean_.” Charlie smiles. “So, at least tell me what’s got you in a good mood?”

Dean hesitates then remembers Charlie already knows all his secrets. He can’t seem to keep anything from her and he doesn’t want to most of the time. She’s so much like him in every way but this; Charlie likes to talk about feelings and Dean supposes he needs that so he lets her badger him from time to time.

“Cas was texting me,” he shrugs.

“What about?”

“The wedding but... it was sort of a complaint.” Dean frowns and tilts his head, trying to explain. “So, it was personal, not business. Does that make sense?”

“I guess.” Charlie moves into the kitchen to get plates. Dean loads them with the food he’s been cooking and they move out into the dining area. “That’s it though? He was texting you and you’re humming cheesy songs?”

Dean shrugs. “I... uh... well, I guess I’m just relieved. Dad called this morning but then Cas texted and, I don’t know, I don’t...”

“You don’t feel like shit.” Charlie looks disapproving but Dean heads her off before she can start berating him or bitching about John.

“It’s not much this time. I’ll still be able to make our rent. I’ll just be a little tight for money the next couple of months.”

Charlie’s eyes close and she takes a deep breath. “Fine. Fine. All the groceries are on me for the next couple of months.”

“Charlie-“

“Dean, don’t even. I don’t get why you keep doing this for him. He’s a grown man and you’ve been taking care of him and Sam since you were four years old. He can take care of himself for once. _But_ since you insist on doing it anyway, don’t complain, I’m picking up the grocery bills until you’re balanced again.”

Dean stares at his bacon and eggs and tries not to let Charlie’s words get to him. He still feels a small prickle of shame under the gratitude that is welling up in him. He doesn’t really deserve the way Charlie puts up with this all the time.

“Are you going to tell Sam?”

“He asked me not to.”

“Doesn’t mean you should listen.”

“Sammy doesn’t care where Dad is.” Dean’s appetite is fading along with the happy buzz from Cas’s texts. He pushes his plate away and sips at his coffee, the bitter taste is comforting and he needs something to do so he doesn’t have to look at Charlie.

“He deserves to know his brother is once again putting himself out for his deadbeat dad. Do you ever wonder why it’s always you he calls, Dean? And not Sam?”

Dean grits his teeth and ignores her. Part of him knows she’s right but it’s his _Dad_ what is he supposed to do?

“I dunno, Dean, maybe stick up for yourself?”

Apparently he said that out loud.

He presses his fist to his forehead.

“Charlie, drop it,” he growls.

“Look, I know-“

“ _Drop it_!” he snaps and glares at her. Charlie’s mouth is open and she closes it, suddenly looking guilty. Dean feels another spike of shame. Charlie didn’t deserve that. She puts up with a lot of shit from him and he shouldn’t be snapping at her. “I’m sorry. I’ll... I’ll think about telling, Sam, okay? Can we just... not talk about it anymore?”

Charlie’s silent for a moment and takes a slow sip of coffee before responding. “Can we talk about how you totally want to get in your customer’s expensive suit pants?”

Dean smiles weakly. “Sure.”

And just like that they’re fine again.

***

Or they would have been if Charlie didn’t then go behind his back and tell Sam anyway.

Dean understands why she did it but it doesn’t stop him from being instantly angry when he gets a call from Sam during his lunch on Monday.

“Sammy! Hi, I was going to skype you tonight,” Dean says by way of greeting, leaning back in his chair and admiring the centrepiece he’s working on to show Cas tonight.

“When were you going to tell me?” Sam demands, voice infused with barely restrained anger. Dean frowns.

“Tell you what?” He panics a little because there are a lot of things Sam could be talking about. Dean’s first job. The reason he dropped out of school. The fact that he’s bisexual. Really, it could be any number of things he hasn’t had the guts to tell Sam and he’s scared for a moment that he’s about to lose his brother over one of his numerous stupid decisions.

“About you sending Dad money!” Sam almost shouts then Dean hears him take a deep breath. “How often does he ask you for money Dean? More importantly, how often do you send it to that ungrateful bastard? You don’t owe him anything! And why the hell wouldn’t you tell me about it?”

Dean is frozen in place and he vaguely hears a female voice muffled down the line. Jess must be there trying to calm Sam down.

“I...” Dean doesn’t really know how to explain himself. “I know you have hang ups about him but he’s still _Dad_.”

“No, Dean, he isn’t! He hasn’t been our dad for twenty years. You were more my dad than he ever was while he dragged us all around the country on his wild goose chase.”

“Look, he did his best okay,” Dean protests. “I’m just trying to do my best now.”

“He did his _best_?” Sam laughs derisively. “I barely had a childhood; you didn’t have one at all. That was his best?”

“It was a shitty situation.”

“He made it a shitty situation!”

Benny appears in the doorway, drawn by Dean’s rising voice he assumes.

Sam makes an irritated noise. “You know what, fine, defend him like you always do. Throw away your money on him. See if I care.”

“Sammy-“ He hangs up before Dean can try and sort them out. He tosses his phone onto the table and it skitters across onto the floor. He can feel his body trembling slightly with anger and guilt and a mass of other emotions he’s having trouble focusing on.

“You okay, brother?” Benny asks softly, retrieving Dean’s phone and checking that it isn’t broken. He places it back on the work bench and leans towards Dean with worried eyes. Dean shuts his eyes and counts backwards from ten slowly.

“I’m fine,” he grits out, pulling the unfinished centrepiece back towards himself. He tugs his tray of decorative embellishments closer but his hands are shaking far too much to attempt adding the silver tips to the lily petals. He tries but Benny’s hands cover his and steal the glue away from him.

“Take ten,” he says gently. “Go for a walk until you’ve calmed down. Call him tomorrow and talk it out.”

Dean lets out a breath and nods. He grabs his coat and leaves to wander the streets for a little while. He spends a long time trudging around with the cold wind whipping his face. His nose is red and numb and his teeth chattering not long after he starts walking but he toughs it out.

Sam has been like this for a long time now. His resentment towards John has been building since he was a kid and it seems like nothing will change his mind from believing John is worthless. Dean just can’t see it that way. He’s their father. Sure he was a lousy one. He was absent and less than affectionate and he pushed Dean hard. Dean knows he doesn’t have a leg to stand on really when he remembers nights when they went to bed hungry because he forgot to leave them money for food. He remembers the first time Dean decided to do something about it for himself so that Sam could have a proper dinner and some new clothes since he was growing so quickly. He remembers John yelling at him and telling him he was worthless and he remembers being told that Sam was more important than anything – including himself. But... he just doesn’t understand why Sam hates him so much; he can’t do it and he was the one John couldn’t stand to look at. John was – is – proud of Sam, always has been, Dean is just an extra. But still, it’s his dad so he has to do what he could for him. Screw Sam if he can’t understand.

They’re Winchesters. Family comes first.

By the time he makes it back to the shop he’s still angry and his black mood is hovering over him. It’s been longer than ten minutes and customers are milling about but he just goes back into the back room to finish the centrepiece. Once he warms up his hands are steady enough to proceed with the delicate task of adding glitter to the tips of the lilies.

He realises he’s essentially useless to customer service so he goes into the cafe to do the cleaning in the kitchen and some of the food prep. Then he takes over close, kicking everyone home early when it quiets down half an hour before the usual closing time. He hardly responds to anybody’s goodbye, too lost in his thoughts and memories.

When Cas arrives Dean has almost forgotten he was coming. He’s disappointed that the older man’s presence doesn’t do much to push back his mood.

Cas notices. He touches Dean’s arm gently when they move to the back and Dean jerks away at the little flush of warmth that comes from his hand. Cas looks wounded.

“Are you alright?” he asks softly.

Dean nods and retrieves the piece. Cas examines it with his usual excitement but Dean doesn’t even respond pleasantly to the praise that follows. Cas’s presence feels suffocating. He makes him feel too much and he doesn’t have room for that on top of everything else.

He wants him out.

He wants him gone.

He doesn’t want to look at Cas and be reminded how useless and pathetic he has been and still is. Cas is out of his league and he’s been stupid to think otherwise. When Cas takes a wary look at him and decides to let Dean get back to closing up, Dean doesn’t protest. He does, however, walk Cas to the door because he doesn’t want to be a total asshole.

Cas turns to him at the front door, an expectant look on his face that fades away into concern and confusion.

“Dean,” he begins hesitantly. He runs a hand through his hair and the sight makes Dean shiver and it’s too much. Too much emotion and too many thoughts swirling through his mind. He doesn’t need this. “I don’t want to think I’ve been reading this wrong but I-“

“I have a lot of work to do,” Dean interrupts, his voice detached. He’s panicking a little again and he just needs Cas to go already. Cas blinks and Dean glimpses a look of intense hurt in the vibrant blue of the man’s eyes before it’s replaced by a cold stare.

“I see,” he responds loftily. “Well, I’ll call in later in the week. Anna wants red roses for the rehearsal dinner.”

“You don’t need to come in for those,” Dean replies and he almost winces at how biting his tone is.

“I’ll have my assistant phone. Thank you for taking the time to show me the pieces.”

“My pleasure.”

They stare at each other until Dean can’t take the piercing blue of Cas’s eyes anymore and he looks away dismissively.

“Good night, Mr Winchester.” Cas turns and leaves and Dean doesn’t feel the cold air that blows through the door in his wake, he feels too numb. As soon as Cas gets in his car and drives off everything evaporates and he stares into the almost empty parking lot in horror.

What did he just do?


	5. Drowning sorrows in booze and sex as usual

Dean transfers the money John asked for just to spite... himself, really.

It’s been three days since he screwed everything up and he’s furious.

He’s hunched over the bar at whichever club he’d stumbled into that wasn’t the Roadhouse, with a half empty bottle of Johnny Walker Blue in front of him, and a mostly empty glass clutched in hand. He tilts the glass to watch the last mouthful of liquid swirl around the bottom.

He’s angry with Charlie, which he made clear to her the second he walked in the door on Monday night and he’s barely said a word to her since. He can tell she’s hurt and angry right back at him but he knows he has a right to be mad. She went and told Sam behind his back and now his brother won’t pick up his calls. He hasn’t tried since Tuesday night but that doesn’t matter, Sam hasn’t called him either and he thinks that’s just as bad and definitely – at least partially – Charlie’s fault so he’s not speaking to her.

He’s also angry with Sam. And he intends to make sure his brother knows it. He intends to make sure Sam understands that family should come first and that includes Dad. But he can’t. Not really. Because Sam is in California and he doesn’t have to deal with this shit. Not like Dean does.

Mostly he’s angry at himself. He can hardly believe the way he treated Cas and now he doesn’t have the man’s next visit to the shop to look forward to in order to alleviate this feeling. He doesn’t blame Cas for deciding to deal with Dean through his assistant but he doesn’t want to never see him again. Because that is what Cas has done. She called today. His assistant. She called to order dozens of red and white roses for Anna’s reception dinner and informed him to “fax through the details to Mr Novak’s office” as if it was a mere business transaction. It felt like a punch in the gut after spending time with Cas but he deserves it. Of course he does. He’s nothing to Cas and he should have realised that sooner.

He brings his glass to his lips and swallows the last mouthful of whiskey. It burns on the way down. Dean reaches for the bottle and pours more into the glass. Some splashes out onto the bar and Dean looks at it. He drags a finger through it absently then downs his glass in two swallows. He’s grateful for the fuzziness building in his mind and the pounding bass of the dance music playing in the club. The combination is helping to drown everything out.

On top of everything else the fucking loneliness has returned to add a bitter taste to his anger and guilt. He hasn’t noticed it as much recently, which is probably due to his preoccupation with Cas and the attraction and feelings that have been brewing whenever he sees him. Now that he’s basically chased Cas away never to be seen again he can’t help but recognise that loneliness for what it is – recognise it for what has been missing in his life.

Fuck he needs to get laid.

That’s his mission tonight: get as trashed as humanly possible without being hospitalised and find somebody with a hard body and nice cock to fuck all memory of Cas out of his mind. He’s sure it’s what he needs and he’s sure once he achieves it he won’t feel this way anymore.

Pouring himself another glass he looks around the club for possibilities. He becomes frustrated after several minutes, realising that he keeps choosing men who look like Cas in some way – same hair, same eyes, same suit. It’s maddening. He wants to forget.

Or... maybe he could pretend.

Dean figures he could choose one of these guys and pretend they’re Cas. Wouldn’t that be a better way to get him out of his system?

Then he dismisses that idea. He tried that before, with Benny. It didn’t work then and it sure as hell won’t work now.

He runs his eyes over the dance floor again and catches sight of a man leaning against the wall by the edge. He is looking right at Dean and he straightens up a little in his seat, glancing around to make sure there’s nobody else. Sure enough, when he looks back a slow smile spreads over the man’s face, his eyes fixed on Dean. Dean fidgets a little, a swoop of heat spreading through his gut at the look. The man looks like he might be shorter than Dean but he doesn’t look a thing like Cas and he’s oozing arrogance and sexual desire with that gaze so he’s definitely the polar opposite of Cas.

Just what Dean needs right now.

The man starts making his way over, eyes never leaving Dean’s and Dean feels hot under that gaze. The heat is licking at his skin, itching to be released somehow and he shudders slightly. It’s been a long time since he’s found a man who makes him feel so _needy_ and he really needs those large hands rough on his body and he needs teeth marking up his skin and he just needs to go somewhere and have this man fuck him. _Right. Now._

“Hello, darling,” the man says, leaning against the bar. Dean jolts at his British accent and feels something tighten in his stomach. That deep voice is going to sound fantastic whispering filthy things in his ears as he’s pushed against a wall or onto his knees on a bed, it doesn’t really matter. Dean fidgets and the man smirks. “I’m Crowley.”

“Dean.”

“Can I buy you a drink, Dean?”

Dean glances up at him under his eyelashes. It’s not something he’s done for a long time and he’s surprised that he’s having this reaction to somebody. But he likes it. It’s been too long since he’s found somebody who can bring out this side of him and it’s exactly what he needs right now – somebody to take control and make him forget everything except the incredible feeling of being manhandled and fucked.

“I’d rather just get out of here,” Dean breathes. He stands up from his stool and discovers he’s a few inches taller than the other man yet he still feels strangely vulnerable under that stare. He leans close enough that their lips brush when he whispers, “I’m not in the mood for a chat.”

Crowley’s smirk widens. “Neither am I. Come with me, darling, I have the perfect place.”

Dean moves to follow Crowley and stumbles. The man reaches out and slides an arm around his waist, drawing him close to help him walk.

“It’s probably a good thing you want to skip that drink. I think you’ve had enough.”

Dean’s eyes narrow but it fades away when the man leans close and nips at his jaw. The heat is clawing at his skin and he just needs to get naked.

The man takes him upstairs and into a spacious lounge that is devoid of people. The music is muffled in here and Dean’s head appreciates it. He’s still feeling so fuzzy from the whiskey. He knows he drank too much but he’s not sure he has it in him to regret it just yet.

“Where are we?” he wonders.

“My private lounge,” the man answers, pushing Dean into the wall beside the door. Dean lets out a tiny sigh of happiness. “I own this place.”

“Oh,” Dean manages to mumble out before lips are devouring his own and he loses himself to the familiar feeling of lips and tongues and teeth and heat. He grips Crowley’s shoulders tightly and moans when a firm thigh presses against his groin. He rolls his hips up against it and gets a chuckle as Crowley pulls away from his mouth. Dean chases him for a moment until hands start pulling at his clothes and then he’s eager to assist with the getting naked.

There’s skin and heat and hands holding him too tightly. He knows there’ll be bruises tomorrow but he doesn’t care. He wants this. Needs it, actually. There’s teeth biting at his throat and his chest and then he’s bent over one of the couches and slick fingers are opening him up and he’s pushing back against them, whining and begging. He knows if he was sober he’d be embarrassed by how needy he’s being but as drunk as he is, when his begging is rewarded with a hard cock being thrust inside him, he honestly doesn’t care.

He doesn’t care. He can’t care. Caring just ends in pain so right now he wants to forget.

It’s hard and it’s rough and it’s over quickly.

Dean moans a name into his arm when he comes without a hand touching him and he knows it wasn’t the name of the man who just finished fucking him. But either he didn’t notice or he didn’t care because the next thing Crowley does is help Dean resituate onto the couch, curling up happily and sighing when a hand strokes through his hair.

“That was fantastic, Dean,” he rumbles and Dean makes an agreeing noise, shifting over to lean against the other man. “I wouldn’t be averse to doing it again.”

“I don’t do relationships,” Dean mutters.

“Neither do I, darling, this would just be... a mutually beneficial arrangement.”

Dean frowns and considers how satisfied and relaxed he feels right now.

“Sounds... good.” He yawns and tries to cover it up but Crowley chuckles. He presses a kiss to the top of Dean’s head and gets him up. Dean dresses clumsily while Crowley puts his number into Dean’s phone and texts himself.

“I’ll let you know when I’m free. Come on, let’s get you into a taxi so you don’t kill yourself on the way home.”

Dean smiles and takes his phone back. “My car?”

“I’ll make sure it’s fine. Which is it?”

“’67 Impala,” Dean replies. He’s still stumbling and he’s not sure if it’s from the alcohol or the excellent sex. He’s feeling a little sore but he likes it. It’s stopping him from thinking about ridiculously blue eyes and a beautiful smile. Or, it was supposed to anyway. Crowley gets him in a taxi and pays the driver.

Dean frowns.

“I don’ wanna be a whore,” he mutters. “Can pay my own fare.” Crowley looks taken aback.

“I’m just making sure you get home safe, pet,” he replies. Dean shrugs slightly but doesn’t say anything. He’s starting to feel a little sick so he gives the driver his address and hopes he can make it home and upstairs before he throws up.

***

“Dean, I want to say this serves you right but you’re just too pathetic.”

“I hate you.”

He hears Charlie sigh and then her hand is in his hair, stroking gently and a cool cloth is patting at his neck and face. She’s too good for him, she really is.

“I don’t hate you,” he sighs. “And I’m sorry for being a dick.”

“I’m sorry too, I shouldn’t have told Sam about the money.” Charlie’s hand cups his face and turns him to look at her. She looks genuinely upset and Dean’s heart pangs. He did that. “I just want what’s best for you, Dean.”

Dean shrugs and then his stomach lurches and he’s leaning back over the toilet to throw up. He’s not sure if he’s throwing up because he drank too much or if he’s throwing up because he feels so sick over what he did with Crowley.

An arrangement? Did he really agree to that?

He groans and takes the glass of water Charlie is offering, swishes some in his mouth and spits it into the toilet.

Charlie sits with him until he starts to fall asleep then she helps him to bed and he promises himself he’s not going to do that again.

Telling himself that is all well and good apparently but when Crowley calls him on Sunday afternoon and asks if he would like a repeat performance Dean can’t say no and half an hour later he’s on his hands and knees on a massive bed in a posh apartment in the city getting fucked hard enough that he forgets how to breathe for a moment.

They order in Chinese and Dean falls asleep in a bed that is too soft and his stomach is rolling again with the bitter regret over doing this. It’s only been twice and he’s already starting to feel like a kept pet. He ducks out early in the morning to make it to work on time, vowing again not to repeat the incident.

So his will is weak as shit, he realises when on Wednesday night he’s being let into the apartment and pressed against the door before being dragged down to the bedroom. This time they face each other and Dean hates it. He always hates facing his male partners during sex when he’s bottoming because he clings. He wraps his arms and legs around Crowley and buries his face into his neck. His mind changes the person he’s holding though and they’re slightly taller, firmer. The hair his fingers are digging into is longer and messier and the deep voice telling him how tight and perfect he is doesn’t have a British accent.

He barely keeps himself from crying out Cas’s name when he comes. He moans pitifully when Crowley continues to thrust into him unrelentingly and he keeps picturing Cas, wondering how this would go with him. Would he be softer? Would he run his hands over Dean like he’s something precious? Would he be whispering the same things into Dean’s ear or would they be softer, gentler admissions of love and beauty?

Dean feels tears sting his eyes when Crowley finally comes. He keeps his eyes shut when the older man pulls out and moves away to get something to clean them up with. He’s breathing deeply but he thinks he has himself under control when the man comes back.

He sits up and hunts for his clothes.

“Where are you heading off to, ducky?” Crowley asks, lounging back on the bed. “Stay the night. You weren’t late to work last time were you?”

“No... but this time I have to open up the shop,” Dean lies quickly. “I need to be there for the delivery at five.”

Crowley tuts. “Well, come back here tomorrow night then.”

Dean freezes and then makes a noncommittal sound, hoping it will satisfy the man otherwise he’ll agree and he’ll come back and then he’ll hate himself all over again. He dresses efficiently and Crowley walks him to the door in a robe. Dean opens the front door and goes to leave when Crowley presses him against the doorway, kissing him deeply. He lets out a small groan of appreciation because while he may hate himself for doing this, this man kisses better than anybody Dean’s been kissed by before.

Dean vaguely hears one of the other apartments opening and feels embarrassed that a stranger will see him like this. He knows his hair and clothes are mussed and that he probably smells of sex. There has to be a handful of bruises on his throat from Crowley’s mouth and this kissing is beginning to turn far too heated for public. So Dean gently pushes Crowley away and glances up the hall to see whether the neighbour who is leaving their apartment has seen anything when he freezes.

No. No. No no no no no no no.

_No_!

He recognises that long tan coat. And those eyes fixed on Dean and Crowley, wide with shock, are unforgettable.

Crowley notices Dean’s tension and glances around.

“Good evening, Castiel,” he says cheerfully. “Where are you off to?”

Cas looks... Dean can’t even begin to explain the multitude of emotions he can see in the older man’s eyes. He’s still heartbreakingly beautiful though and Dean feels his cheeks heat in mortification at what he must look like, so he stares down at his feet.

“My brother and Anna are arriving from New York,” Cas finally says. Dean thinks he must be imagining how shaky his voice sounds. He’s moving closer so conversation is easier and Dean wishes he wouldn’t.

“Ah how nice. The wedding is soon, isn’t it?”

“A week from Saturday.”

“Lovely.”

Dean wishes they weren’t chatting so Cas could leave and he could take the stairs to avoid running into him.

“Sorry, love, this is my neighbour Castiel Novak. Castiel, this is my lovely new pet Dean Winchester,” Crowley introduces, stroking a hand down Dean’s cheek tenderly. Dean glances up at Cas who is still looking at him but his gaze is no longer a confusing mess of emotions, it’s hard and cold.

“We’ve met,” Cas replies. “Dean is doing the flowers for the wedding.”

“You’re a florist?” Crowley looks surprised and Dean blushes, mumbling something about how he did mention it on Monday morning while trying to avoid looking either man in the eye. He just wants the floor to open up and swallow him.

“I must be going. I need to get to the airport,” Cas says suddenly.

“You can walk Dean down then,” Crowley decides, giving Dean a gentle push out the door. “He has work early so he must be going too.” He takes his eyes from Cas and presses one last kiss to Dean’s mouth. “Come back tomorrow night, darling. I have something special in mind for you.”

Dean hates that he feels a spark of arousal at Crowley’s voice while Cas is standing less than ten feet away. He nods numbly and wanders towards the elevators after Cas. He stares down at the ground as Cas presses the button for the building’s lobby and they stand in silence. It has to be the most awkward elevator ride in history. Dean cannot think of another moment in his life where he’s felt this humiliated and angry at himself.

“How long have you been seeing Crowley?”

Cas’s voice startles Dean and he chances a glance but Cas isn’t looking at him. He’s glaring at the doors.

“I’m not seeing him,” Dean mumbles. “We’re just...”

“Fucking. I see.” He looks angrier now. “Do you do that a lot?”

Dean feels like he’s been punched in the stomach. His anger at himself doubles to include anger at Cas and he turns to face him. “As a matter of fact, yes I do. Sex is great. It’s healthy. And I’m not ashamed of enjoying it.”

Cas barely glances at him and makes a grunting sound in response.

“No! No, you aren’t going to make me feel ashamed!” Dean practically shouts, feeling said shame rising up in him anyway. He doesn’t want Cas to look at him like this. It’s not fair. Cas was never meant to see him like this. “I have enough in my life to feel ashamed about! Especially in regards to things I’ve done with my own body! But I’m a consenting adult and I won’t feel ashamed over enjoying having consensual adult sex!”

Cas’s eyes widen fractionally and he glances at Dean.

“What...?”

Dean’s cheeks heat and he turns away.

“It’s not any of your fucking business anyway. You’re just a customer. You have no impact on my life.”

Cas makes a choked sound that he covers up in a cough. “Very well.”

The elevator reaches the lobby at that point and they step out. Dean looks at Cas once before marching towards the front doors, feeling that same sting of tears in his eyes. This time he can’t hold it back. He starts driving but five minutes later he has to pull over and he finds himself crying for the first time in a very long time. He leans on Baby’s steering wheel and cries into his arms. He’s not even sure what he’s crying about exactly, some weird combination of all the shit in his life building up he supposes.

He fumbles for his phone.

He means to call Charlie but he scrolls too far and lands on Sam’s name.

He needs to hear his brother’s voice right now. It won’t be too late in California.

He waits, biting his lip and hoping Sam’s forgiven him enough to answer.

He does answer and the sound of his brother’s voice is the best thing Dean has heard all week.

“Dean, I’m glad you called. We need to talk,” Sam says instead of ‘hello’.

Dean lets out a choked sob of relief.

“Dean? Are you okay?” Sam sounds worried and Dean leans back in the seat, eyes shut.

“I’m... not,” he responds. “But it’s okay because you’re talking to me again.”

“What happened? Do you need help? Are you hurt?” Sam’s sounding frantic and Dean laughs which chokes into another sob that he tries to cut off.

“Not hurt and don’t need help. I’ve screwed up, Sammy. R-real bad this time.” And it all comes pouring out. Dean doesn’t take a moment to stop and realise he never told Sam he’s bisexual he just needs to tell him about Cas and the _thing_ that was building between them that Dean really liked and really wanted and has officially ruined.

“Dean...” Sam hesitates. “You know I don’t care, right? If you’re straight, gay, bi, ace, whatever, I don’t care. I love you. You should have told me.”

Dean lets out a sigh of relief. He had known, he really did, but he couldn’t take that chance. Sam was everything and he couldn’t risk losing him.

“I know...” He sighs. “I screwed up so bad, Sammy.”

“I don’t think it’s broken, Dean. You’ll see the guy at the wedding right? I mean you have to take the flowers over and make sure they’re all set up properly,” Sam says. “Maybe you can talk to him then, apologise. Make him up an apology arrangement.”

Dean laughs a little. “I don’t think it’s that easy.”

“I know one thing you can do.”

“What?”

“Stop seeing this other guy. If it’s making you feel so bad... and if it just made things worse with Cas...” Sam sounds pained. “Why do you do these things to yourself, Dean? Can’t you let yourself be happy for once?”

That is the million dollar question. And not one that Dean has an answer for.

“Sam, I’m sorry,” Dean says quietly, looking down at his lap. “I should have told you about Dad.”

Sam’s quiet for a while. “You should have. But I should never have attacked you over it. I’m sorry, too. I still don’t think you should send him the money but-“

“Too late.”

“God.” Sam sounds frustrated.

“Don’t Sammy, just leave it.”

“Okay. I love you, jerk. Go home and promise me you won’t drink.”

Dean has work tomorrow so even though he really wants to, he won’t. “Bitch.”

Sam chuckles and they end the call. Dean’s calmed down enough that he can drive again. He feels pathetic for having cried over the phone to his kid brother but he also feels better. Sam’s question keeps rattling around in his head. Did he screw things up with Cas on purpose? Because he can’t let himself be happy?

Dean sighs and rubs his forehead. He’s not sure if there’s any way for him to fix this and that hurt him far worse than he’s been hurting the last week.


	6. Meddling chocolatiers are a gift from God... sort of...

Dean does not spend the next few days moping.

Only he does and it’s obvious to everyone around him.

He doesn’t go see Crowley again and when his phone buzzes with the older man’s attempts to call him he switches it off. He feels relief at having resisted but it’s tainted with a hint of regret. He had wanted to pick up at one point but remembering seeing Cas staring at him in the doorway to Crowley’s apartment cured that desire. He doesn’t want to see Cas again like that.

It isn’t until Friday afternoon when Cas’s assistant calls to inform him that “somebody” will be in to pick up the roses on Sunday afternoon before the dinner that he feels any reason to perk up. He has a feeling, and it doesn’t feel wrong, that it will be Cas who arrives to pick up the roses. It adds a spring into his step and he starts to plan. He remembers Cas’s expression the night Dean wrecked everything, of course he does, but right before it all fell apart there was a moment where he looked like he was expecting something. Dean hopes he is right in thinking that Cas thought Dean would present him with another flower.

Dean is going to give Cas that flower this time.

They don’t actually open on Sundays so Dean goes in alone and receives the delivery of red and white roses. He arranges them all in bouquets tied with satin ribbons and places them in buckets of water and rose food so they remain healthy while he waits for Cas to show up – usually he puts them in some kind of decorative holder but Cas’s assistant told him that the venue hosting the event had special vases that matched the rest of the decor or something like that. He has them sitting on the counter ready to go as three o’clock draws nearer – because it’s easier than carrying them all out from the cool room – a spray bottle of cool water on hand to keep them from wilting. He glances over to the little box containing purple hyacinths and morning glories. It’s for Cas. He knows it’s stupid and adding the morning glories is probably a touch self indulgent and masochistic but Cas won’t know what they signify.

The bell above the shop door tingles and Dean groans. He should have locked it. He glances back to see a man shorter than himself with combed back, ash brown hair step into the store. He glances around with an interested expression, a small smile playing at his mouth.

Dean looks away from him and continues gently spraying water onto the roses.

“Sorry, dude, we’re not actually open. I’m just waiting for a client.”

He hears a scoff from the man.

“That is not a good way to run a business.”

“It says on the door we’re not open Sundays.”

There’s a soft chuckle that makes the hair on Dean’s neck stand on end.

“I’m Gabriel Novak, kiddo.”

Dean freezes and turns very slowly to look back at the man. His hands are stuffed into the pockets of his leather jacket and the way he’s looking at Dean makes him feel small and wary.

“As in Cas- Anna’s brother?” Dean feels the need to clarify, barely catching himself from mentioning Cas. Gabriel definitely notices though.

“Yes, Castiel’s brother, that’s me.” His eyes narrow slightly. “And it is so great to meet _you_ Dean, _finally_.”

Dean swallows nervously. “I suppose you’re here to pick up the flowers for the rehearsal dinner.”

“Sure.” Gabriel’s still eyeing him rather like a predator. “There isn’t a lot of room in my car though. I hear you’ve got a delivery van.”

“You want me to bring them in?” Dean knows his voice squeaked on ‘me’ but he pretends not to notice even when Gabriel smirks.

“That’s right, bucko. Shall we go load them up?”

Dean continues to stare at Gabriel who is growing increasingly amused every passing second. He finally laughs and lets out a breath.

“Okay, so I have ulterior motives for getting you to bring the flowers. If we go and load these into the van I _might_ tell you,” Gabriel informs him. “Hop to, kiddo, or you’ll get nothing out of me.”

With that he takes one of the buckets and strides into the back room without an invitation. Dean slumps against the counter to collect himself for a moment. He feels like he’s been hit by a huge gust of wind. _That_ asshat is Cas’s brother? The one who runs the candy company?

Dean shakes his head and grabs another one of the buckets to follow Gabriel out. They load the roses onto the van in near silence except for Gabriel whistling “Pure Imagination” as they work. Dean wants to tell him to stop but he’s wary of what the other man’s reaction might be. He realises that Gabriel knows something of what went on with he and Cas. He had gotten the impression that the two were close and Cas probably told him what a colossal asshole Dean has been.

Gabriel ends up being the one to collect the box of flowers Dean made up for Cas and he looks at it curiously.

“I don’t remember Anna mentioning hyacinths,” he says.

“Be careful with that,” Dean snaps, taking it away from him and making sure none of the flowers have been damaged. Gabriel whistles.

“I see. It’s for my baby bro then, lover boy?”

Dean feels his cheeks heat up. “I didn’t say that.”

“Yet it’s written all over your face.” Gabriel turns to Dean, leaning against the van. He folds his arms and narrows his eyes and somehow, despite being shorter than Dean and taking such a casual posture he seems really intimidating all of a sudden. “Here’s the deal, you’re going to apologise to my brother.”

Dean opens his mouth and Gabriel waves a hand at him.

“No, you listen to me. I don’t care what happened and I don’t care if that’s what you were planning to do anyway. You are going to get down on your knees and you are going to beg his forgiveness for being the world’s biggest dick to him. He _likes_ you, Dean, and Cassie doesn’t like many people. He thinks you’re not interested but I can tell you are. You’re just as disgustingly smitten with him as he is with you. I’ve never seen him this way over somebody so you’re going to fix this and get over whatever issues it is that made you do it in the first place or I am going to do something you really won’t like. Are we clear?”

Dean knows Gabriel just asked him a question but his mind is stuck on “he likes you, Dean”, repeating the beautiful words on a constant loop. He looks down and frowns. Gabriel can’t be right. There’s no way Cas would go for somebody like him, no way. He’ll still apologise but Gabriel’s wrong. He might have been right before but Dean’s definitely screwed up any chance of having his feelings reciprocated. He can deal with that though, as long as Cas doesn’t hate him he can deal.

“Deano, we clear?”

He glances up and then back down at his flowers before nodding.

“Christ, no wonder he’s all ga-ga over you. Even _I_ think you’re fucking adorable. Come on. You ever been to the country club?”

Dean tilts his head. “Uh, don’t think so.”

“Right, well follow me then. My car’s out front.”

Dean locks up the store and puts Cas’s flowers on the passenger seat of the van before starting it up and following Gabriel away from the store towards the club where Anna and Inias’s rehearsal dinner is taking place.

When he pulls up close by the entrance he starts to feel nervous and his hands tremble a little.

Gabriel raps his knuckles on the window and Dean startles.

“Come on, kiddo, we can’t wait all day,” he chastises when Dean finally opens the door. He looks delighted at Dean’s nerves and Dean tries to ignore the irritating man while they transport the roses inside. Once they’re all inside Dean places Cas’s gift out of the way and sets about placing the bouquets in the vases the staff have brought him. He’s carefully positioning one of the vases on the table closest to the main doors of the room when he hears them open. He doesn’t think too much on it until he hears a sharp intake of breath.

Dean nearly knocks the vase over when he glances over his shoulder to see Cas staring at him in surprise. Cas darts forward and helps Dean steady the delicate glass, looking apologetic.

“I didn’t expect to see you,” he mutters. “Gabriel was supposed to bring the flowers.”

“He did... Kind of,” Dean replies, equally as quiet. “And he brought me too. Surprise?”

Cas almost smiles before his face goes blank and eyes harden slightly. He’s still angry then.

Dean moves away from him and goes to find the flowers he made up. He curses when he notices that one of the hyacinths has partially crushed petals. He carefully pulls it out and looks around to find somewhere to toss it when Cas speaks.

“You’re running away again?”

Dean freezes and turns to look at Cas in confusion.

“No, I just...” He holds up the hyacinth and Cas tilts his head, annoyance melting away into confusion.

“I don’t remember Anna ordering hyacinths,” he says. When Gabriel said it he was honestly confused. Cas sounds hopeful.

“She didn’t,” Dean replies. He gestures to the small arrangement. “It’s for you.”

Cas walks over to join him, eyes softening finally.

“Do I get to know what these ones mean?” he questions hesitantly.

Dean bites his bottom lip for a moment, holding out the damaged flower as an offering. “Please forgive me?”

“Are you asking or is that what it means?” Cas wonders.

“Both?”

There’s a tense moment where Dean thinks Cas is going to turn and leave but he reaches out and takes the hyacinth, purposely brushing his fingers against Dean’s in the process and sending a jolt of electricity up Dean’s arm. He flexes his hand against the tingling as he pulls back slowly.

“I like hyacinths,” Cas informs him.

“I’m so sorry...” Dean looks down at his shoes. “I should never have treated you the way I did. It wasn’t a good day and... no, no excuses. You didn’t deserve it.”

Cas doesn’t respond but Dean feels two fingers come under his chin and his face is lifted until he can look Cas in the eyes.

“Thank you, Dean,” he murmurs. Dean averts his gaze and Cas sighs. “Why is it that you never think you’re good enough? Accept my forgiveness, Dean, please.”

He nods slowly.

“Better, I suppose.” Cas sounds amused. “Thank you for the flowers, Dean. I need to go, I’m helping Michael right now so I can’t talk but I want to talk about... a lot.”

Dean glances at Cas, hope unfurling slowly in his heart.

“I do too,” he breathes. Cas’s hand moves to cup his cheek and his eyes are intense as they catch Dean’s.

“Good. I’m going to be very busy this week but I’d like to see you next Saturday when you bring the flowers to the wedding. I should have time then as Anna will be her bridesmaids’ responsibility not mine. Will you come and find me?”

“Yes.” Dean knows his voice sounds too intense for such a simple request but it seems like it was the answer Cas was looking for because he smiles so brightly it almost hurts Dean to look at him.

“I will see you then.” His thumb brushes over Dean’s cheekbone before he releases him and collects the boxed arrangement. They share one last look before Cas is wandering out and Dean feels a smile grow on his face.

This is... good. Good things don’t happen to him very often but this definitely counts.

He realises he’s only halfway through placing all the flowers on their respective tables so he hops to with an extra spring in his step.

He didn’t apologise properly but he can do that next weekend. They’re going to sit down and talk. And maybe Dean can ask Cas out to dinner for a later date. He begins making plans as he finishes the flowers. Gabriel comes in to check it out once he’s done, a smirk in place that tells Dean he knows what happened but he says nothing about it. The knowing look in his eyes is enough.

Dean leaves then and on the drive back to the shop he plans what he might say to Cas and where they might go if he agrees to a date. He has to wait almost an entire week and he’s not sure he can suffer through that long so he texts Sam for a skype session, hoping that talking to his brother might make it easier to wait.

Sam’s smiling, puppy dog face fills Dean’s computer screen that night and he relaxes in his seat.

“Hiya, Sammy,” he greets.

“You seem... happy...” Sam frowns, tilting his head in confusion then he grins. “What happened? Tell me now.”

“Nothing big,” Dean says, waving his hand. He feels a little embarrassed. Sam knows he’s not going to gush about every little detail like a teenage girl. Sam might be comfortable spilling all of that about Jess but Dean sure as hell isn’t. “But... we’re going to talk.”

“Dean that’s great! How did you apologise?”

Dean contemplates telling Sam details when his phone buzzes. He looks down at it and it’s another text from Crowley which he deletes without reading. He frowns when he notices a second unread one that he must not have noticed getting.

It’s from Dad. Telling him that he underestimated moving costs.

Dean can’t afford to send him any more money this soon.

“Dean...?”

“Uh, it’s...” Dean glances at Sam. Lying to him about this didn’t end well before. “It’s Dad. He needs more money.”

“You can’t send it to him,” Sam says immediately, looking angry.

“I know. I can’t afford to. But what am I supposed to say to him?”

“How about ‘get a job and keep it this time’?” Sam rubs his forehead. “How much does he need? I might have some-“

“No! Sam don’t you even think about it!” Dean protests.

“I don’t have to pay tuition fees, Dean, and half my accommodation is subsidised. I work so I have a bit of extra money-“

“You’re saving up to buy an engagement ring for Jess, Sam, and to get a place together once you graduate, remember? Don’t even think of spending that money on Dad!”

“Oh, so you’re allowed to blow your savings on Dad but I can’t?” Sam demands. “What about your dreams and goals Dean? Why are you allowed to throw yours away but I’m not?”

Dean grits his teeth and glares off to the side.

“I’ll send him some. Not a lot. It’ll get him off your back. And can we not fight about it? Please?” Sam sounds tired and sad. Dean looks back at him and has to remember that John’s issues haven’t only affected him but his brother, too. The moving around. The living out of motel rooms. The going hungry. Getting teased for second hand clothes. Sometimes it makes Dean sad to remember that Sam went through all of that with him. Sometimes, and he hates himself for those times, its stained with resentment because even though Sam went through the same he was Dad’s favourite, he was coddled by Dean and Bobby, he didn’t have to do the things that Dean did just so they could eat or so Sam could have new clothes when he started growing like crazy. Sam never had the responsibility of a parent on his shoulders at the age of five upwards.

Dean shakes away that feeling. He honestly hates himself whenever it appears. It’s not Sam’s fault. None of it is so he shouldn’t blame him.

“Fine,” Dean sighs tiredly. “How’s Jess?”

Sam gives him one last lingering look before it melts away into the happiness that his girlfriend inspires in him and he starts rambling about her which evolves into updating Dean about his friends and his classes and Dean sits back and enjoys Sam’s stories, ribbing him whenever he can and just being happy that he has his brother in his life.

***

Cas makes it easier for Dean to last until Saturday. He sends him random texts when Dean is least expecting it. They’re not about anything in particular but they make him smile and he just waits for Saturday to arrive. He’s nervous about having a serious conversation. Conversations like that are why he avoids relationships but getting to see Cas again makes up for it and the possibility of them being something afterwards, well that makes any amount of awkwardness worth it.

Benny can’t stop laughing at him when they arrive at five in the morning on the day of the wedding. Thank god Anna is having an afternoon wedding so they don’t have to pull an all-nighter to make up these arrangements but they do have to be there early for the delivery and to spare enough time for any mistakes that need fixing.

Benny goes to work on the flowers for the shop that day while Dean sits, rolls his neck in anticipation of its ache once he’s finished with all of these, and gets to work on Anna’s bouquet. He’s finished it and halfway through the bridesmaid bouquets when Benny opens the store and Kevin arrives. Dean puts him to work on the table centrepieces.

“Once you’ve got them all boxed up bring them over here so I can add the glitter tips,” Dean informs him, carefully threading more ivy into the bouquet he’s working on. The table centrepieces are easy enough to put together but he keeps an eye on Kevin anyway. This isn’t the first time he’s let the kid help out with a wedding order but he really needs all of these to be perfect.

And that has nothing to do with impressing Cas. Nothing at all.

He glances at the clock halfway through adding glitter to the table arrangements and curses when he notices the time. He still has to make the boutonnieres and the aisle pieces.

“Kevin, go grab Benny, for me, we need an extra pair of hands,” Dean orders. Benny’s not great with arranging flowers but the boutonnieres don’t need much skill to put together and it’ll just take an extra job off he and Kevin.

Benny follows Kevin in, glances at Dean and turns serious.

“What do you need boss?” he asks. Dean’s surprised.

“Boutonnieres. And why are you looking at me like that?”

Benny’s lips twitch. “No reason.”

Dean frowns but otherwise ignores him as Kevin shows Benny what’s going into the boutonnieres before finishing off the unity arrangement. Dean’s impressed with the kid’s work. The unity arrangement is a little difficult to get right but he’s replicated Dean’s original one perfectly.

They finish with about ten minutes before they need to be on the road to get to where the wedding is being held and Dean takes a breather while Benny and Kevin load the van. He’s buzzing with adrenaline and pride and he grins at Benny as he climbs into the van.

“We’ll be late back,” Dean informs him.

“I know. Be safe.” Benny winks at him and Dean rolls his eyes before starting the van.

“You did good work, kid,” Dean tells Kevin.

“Thanks, Dean. They look really good. You’re so good at this.” Kevin’s leaning back in his seat. “If someone had introduced me to you outside the shop I’d laugh in their face for telling me you’re a florist but... they always look incredible.”

Dean can’t respond to that because he doesn’t know how. He coughs awkwardly and focuses on what he wants to say to Cas. He has a single jonquil to give to Cas, feeling an intense affinity with that flower on today especially.

Anna’s wedding is being held at the same country club the rehearsal dinner was at. The wedding is out in the gardens so when they arrive Dean sends the aisle pieces with the staff, two for each end of the aisle. He also gives them the box filled with tied lilies and orchids that are to be attached to the chairs sitting right along the aisle with simple instructions of how to attach them.

“Okay, I’m going to set up the table arrangements and get the boutonnieres to the bridal party,” Dean tells Kevin. He glances around and spots someone in a suit and quickly jogs over. He’s tall, blonde and gives Dean a curious look when he taps his shoulder. He looks older than Cas or Gabriel but he figures he must be one of the brothers when he notices he has the same blue eyes as Anna and Cas.

“I’m Dean Winchester.”

“Ah, the phantom florist,” the man chuckles. He gives Dean a wide, mischievous smile. “We meet at last. Lucifer Novak.”

Dean falters a little. He’s heard a bit about this Novak brother from Sam’s gushing about the firm. He’s apparently ruthless. But he seems friendly enough now.

“I need to get the bouquets to the bride and her lovely helpers,” Dean explains. “Mind pointing my friend in the right direction?”

Lucifer looks over at the van and smiles. “Sure.”

Dean takes him over to the van and Lucifer insists on helping to carry some of the flowers. Dean wonders why someone named after Satan is so cheerful and helpful.

“Here,” Dean says quickly before he can head off. He pins the boutonniere to his lapel and Lucifer looks down.

“Excellent. Our brother is with Anna as he’s walking her down the aisle, shall I take his to him?” he wonders. Dean adds a boutonniere to the bouquets and thanks Lucifer again.

“I hope to see more of you around Dean Winchester.” And if that doesn’t sound ominous Dean can’t think of anything else that does and he watches Lucifer and Kevin walk off nervously. He carefully brings the centrepieces inside. It takes him a few trips but he doesn’t want to drop any of them. Then he goes back for the last of the boutonnieres, hoping he’ll see one of the other brothers or groomsmen so they can take them and make sure everyone gets theirs.

He starts arranging the centrepieces on tables when thankfully Gabriel shows up.

“Deano! Everything looks good,” he says, leaning against the wall near where Dean is fixing up the glitter on one of the lilies. “That’s good. That will mean a happy Anna which means less grief for us.”

Dean makes an assenting noise, biting his tongue between his teeth as he adds one last tiny touch up and straightens up.

“What’s with the war paint bucko?”

Dean turns and looks at Gabriel in confusion. “What war paint?”

Gabriel chuckles and pulls out his phone. He flips it to the inside camera so Dean can look at himself. He blinks and groans when he notices streaks of glitter across his cheeks and forehead. That’s why Benny was trying not laugh at him and why Lucifer was giving him a strange look earlier.

“I look ridiculous,” he bemoans.

“Relax. Cassie won’t care.”

“Speaking of him. Can you take these boutonnieres and make sure your brothers, Inias and the groomsmen get theirs,” Dean says, passing Gabriel the box filled with flowers. “Be careful with them.”

“Aye, aye, captain!” Gabriel punches off a weird salute and Dean rolls his eyes. “So, shall I send Cassie to you when I see him?”

Dean blushes but nods anyway and Gabriel looks delighted. He traipses off, whistling merrily and Dean turns back to his work. He’s touching up another one of the pieces when he hears a low whistle.

“Please tell me you come with the club,” a female voice says. Dean glances around to see a pretty, curvy woman in a bridesmaid dress eyeing him up. She has a round face that could have appeared sweet and angelic if it hadn’t been for the wicked smile.

“No, sorry, I’m just the florist,” Dean responds, straightening up. He eyes the flowers critically.

“Oh! Clarence has mentioned you... didn’t realise you were so delectable.”

“Clarence?” Surely he doesn’t know anybody by that name, he’d remember.

“Better known as Castiel. That’s just my nickname for him. He talks about you a lot lately.” The woman wanders closer to Dean, smacking his ass as she passes. Dean rolls his eyes but doesn’t react otherwise. “Meg Masters.”

“Dean Winchester. Cas talks about me?” Dean tries to sound offhand but knows he fails when Meg’s smile widens.

“All the damn time. I might be jealous if I didn’t know by now I’m not his type,” she teases. Dean shuffles and moves on to the next table to check on the flowers. Meg follows.

“And what is his type?” Dean’s basically given up on trying to sound anything but interested. It makes Meg laugh though.

“Sorry, buddy, but you’re not really his type either,” she explains. Dean’s heart jolts and he turns to look at her seriously.

“What is then?” he demands.

Meg’s looking over Dean’s shoulder towards the back end of the room.

“That.”

Dean turns to look and sees Cas standing by the main doors. He’s leaning against a blonde man who is whispering in his ear and they’re both laughing. Dean doesn’t think he ever saw Cas laugh and smile like that around him. As he watches Cas hugs the other man and says something that makes them both laugh again. The way they’re standing so close, exchanging obviously flirtatious looks and touches tells Dean everything he needs to know.

He completely misread his situation with Cas.

“Tall, blonde, handsome, British, rich,” Meg lists off as Dean’s hopes dies in his chest and he feels that small part of his world he had started building up crumble into dust. “Balthazar is basically a perfect catch. And Castiel’s caught him alright. Caught him years ago, actually.”

Dean thinks he might be sick.

Of course that’s Cas’s type. His family is wealthy and has status. Cas probably went to Harvard or Yale for his law degree. Dean went to Kansas City Kansas Community College. The two don’t even compare. He’s a florist. He lives in a cheap two-bedroom apartment with his best friend. His dad’s an alcoholic who only contacts him to ask for money. And Dean’s done some pretty bad things in his life in the struggle to make sure he and his brother could eat. Dean’s nothing and nobody. Why would Cas want somebody like him? Especially when he can have somebody like _that_?

Here he is in his shabby jeans and old jacket, covered in glitter and looking ridiculously middle class. And there’s that guy, looking perfect in a tuxedo. Dean could never look that good or comfortable in something so expensive. He’s from an entirely different world.

He gently plucks the jonquil out of his breast pocket where it had been residing, waiting to be presented to Cas. He glances around the room. All of the pieces look perfect. Kevin should be finished with his jobs by now. He can go before Cas sees him. He’s not sure he can face that talk anymore.

“Can you give this to Cas?” Dean requests of Meg, holding out the flower. She looks at it with confusion. “Tell him I’m really sorry but something came up.”

Meg raises an eyebrow but nods after a moment. She watches him rush off and Dean collects his things and slips out a side door, hoping he avoided Cas’s attention. Kevin is waiting in the van, a textbook open on his lap. He looks confused by Dean’s sudden appearance. He’d been prepared to wait for a while so Dean could have his talk with Cas.

“Is everything-?”

“Everything’s fine. We just need to get back to the shop,” Dean interrupts, trying not to sound too harsh. It’s not Kevin’s fault after all. It’s his own.

He shouldn’t have hoped.


	7. Good things do happen, Dean.

Dean’s been drinking and he knows he’s too smashed to drive so he gets a taxi to Walnut Street. The doorman recognises him and though he raises an eyebrow at how obviously drunk he is he still lets him inside. When Dean gets to Crowley and Cas’s floor he spends a few minutes glaring angrily at the door to Cas’s apartment. He’s probably still at the reception. It’s late but not too late to be enjoying himself. Or maybe he’s at that other man’s place. Balthazar. Who names somebody _Balthazar_ anyway?

The same kind of people who name children Lucifer and Castiel, he realises. Upper class people who like to look down their noses at Dean.

He pounds on Crowley’s door and when the man opens it he looks surprised, then annoyed and then concerned.

“Dean? Thought you were ignoring me.”

“I was,” Dean replied. “Don’t wanna anymore. Need you to fuck me. Right now.”

Crowley raises an eyebrow. “You cut out on our arrangement without a word. What makes you think I want to?”

Dean smirks. He might be drunk but he knows how appealing he can be to men like Crowley. He leans close and mouths gently at the man’s jaw.

“You can’t resist me,” Dean murmurs. He slides a hand down to the front of Crowley’s trousers and smiles when he feels the man’s burgeoning erection. “You mentioned something special you had in mind last week? I’d like to try it now.”

Crowley groans. “I wish you weren’t so needy, darling, it’s impossible to say no. Come on.”

He drags Dean inside and closes the door.

He spends that night tied up, blindfolded and gagged while Crowley slowly takes him apart. He knows he starts crying at one point as he thinks about Cas but Crowley just assumes he’s overwhelmed and lets him finally come. He spends the entirety of Sunday naked in the older man’s bed. He wanted to be able to stop thinking about Cas but at one point he hears the door to the next apartment open and close and he knows Cas is either arriving or leaving and from that moment he can’t stop thinking about him.

He’s emotionally and physically exhausted so he tells Benny to cover for him on Monday and in return he’ll open the store on Tuesday so Benny can have a sleep in.

“Will I be seeing you again or shouldn’t I hold my breath?” Crowley asks as Dean gets ready to leave on Monday morning.

Dean doesn’t have an answer and Crowley just smiles and shakes his head.

“Come see me again if you change your mind,” he informs Dean. “It’s not every day I find someone so pretty and desperate when I fuck them.”

Dean flushes. “Fuck you.”

“No, no, darling, fuck _you_.” Crowley chuckles and Dean rolls his eyes before leaving. Thankfully he doesn’t see Cas but he does have to face Charlie waiting for him. Sometimes he hates how she works out of their apartment every couple of months. She doesn’t judge him exactly but he knows she’s disappointed in him.

Benny calls him that night after closing.

“Your favourite customer came in today,” he comments. “You forgot to leave the invoice for them at the wedding.”

“Crap!” Dean knew he had forgotten something when he ran out so quickly. “I’ll mail it to their offices.”

“No need, lover boy said he’d come in tomorrow before opening,” Benny said and Dean feels his body lock up. “Mind you, he didn’t look happy. Did you guys talk or not on Saturday?”

“We didn’t... I kind of ran off,” Dean mutters. “Damn it.”

“You promised to open tomorrow. You’re not backing out now,” Benny chastises. “Damn it, Dean, talk to the man. I want to see you happy for a change. Stop pretending you don’t deserve it and do something about it.”

“Why do you all say that to me?”

“Because it’s the truth. Castiel is going to come into the shop tomorrow morning and you are going to talk to him for once. I mean it Dean. I’ll check the security footage if I have to and if you didn’t talk then I’m dragging you to their offices in the city and getting you an appointment to see him.”

Dean knows Benny means it so he sighs and agrees. Then goes to locate the invoice in his planner that he was supposed to leave with Cas. It’s still there so he braces himself for a painful morning.

***

Cas arrives at seven thirty and Dean flinches at the sound of the bell above the door when he walks in. The look he gives Dean as he approaches the back room makes him shudder and he turns and retreats to his work bench. When Cas comes over Dean holds out the invoice as a shield.

“I’m sorry, I forgot,” he mumbles.

“Thank you,” Cas replies, taking it and putting it in the inside pocket of his suit jacket. “Where were you on Saturday? Gabriel said you were setting up the flowers and when I went into the hall you were gone.”

He looks angry. Dean doesn’t blame him.

Well, he sort of does. Cas was acting as though their talk was going to be about these feelings building between them but it’s clear he already has somebody so why would he need to talk about that with Dean?

Dean shrugs, not sure how to phrase what he wants to say when Cas suddenly slams his fist down on the bench, making Dean jump.

“Fuck you, Dean!” he says. “I’m getting tired of this!”

Dean stares at him, the betrayal turning very suddenly into anger.

“Oh are you?” he snaps back. “Maybe I am too!”

Cas laughs derisively. “Says the one constantly running hot and cold on me! I can’t figure you out and I’m starting to think it’s not worth it!”

“Why don’t you just leave then?” Dean demands. It hurts but really everyone comes to that conclusion sooner or later. Better that Cas realises it now before Dean can get in any deeper. “If you think that way then just turn around and walk away because I don’t need your games!”

“My games? I’m not the one playing games here, Dean!” Cas moves around the bench so they’re face to face. His blue eyes are heated with anger and Dean feels a spark of arousal. Cas is shorter than him but right at this moment Dean feels tiny, he feels like Cas could overpower him in an instant. That shouldn’t be the turn-on that it is but he just spent an entire weekend picturing Cas while getting fucked by somebody else. He can’t help wondering what it would actually feel like.

“I made it so clear to you that I want you, Dean! You’re the one who is giving me the green light then turning around and changing your mind! What is it that you want from me? Is it just sex? Is that why you went back to Crowley this weekend? Are my feelings too much for you?”

Dean flushes. Cas knew? How did he find out? He ducks his head and Cas lets out a growl. Dean whimpers by accident.

“You’re going to be the death of me.”

Dean glances up to respond but suddenly Cas’s mouth is hot on his and Dean’s brain short circuits. He fists his hands in Cas’s coat and pulls him closer, groaning as the older man bites at his lips before licking into his mouth. Cas moves them and Dean’s shoved up against the wall, Cas’s body pressing so closely against his that he can feel their hearts pounding next to each other. He wraps his arms around Cas’s shoulders and winds the fingers of one hand into his hair. His action causes Cas to let out another of those growls and Dean’s knees go weak and he fails to hold back another whimper. Cas’s hands are everywhere at once as he kisses Dean furiously. They’re sliding under his clothes, one moving around to drop down and grip at his ass while Cas grinds against him. The other hand starts attempting to unbutton Dean’s shirt so he has more access to his body.

It’s that instant that Dean realises they’re both achingly hard. He considers for a moment letting Cas continue undressing him but then hears the door bell.

“Dean?”

They break apart, panting and Dean drops his head to Cas’s shoulder. They’re still pressed tightly together when Benny calls out Dean’s name again.

“Give me a minute!” he calls back, voice obviously strained. Cas gives a little roll of his hips that makes Dean moan. “I have to work, don’t do that.”

“I’ve been waiting _weeks_ , Dean,” Cas gasps.

“I know. I know. Me too.” Dean frowns and lifts his head. “But... what about...?”

Cas looks at him. His pupils are blown wide with lust and his lips look so perfectly kiss-bruised that Dean can’t resist leaning forward and nipping at them before soothing them over with his tongue. Cas lets out a tiny groan and pulls Dean even closer.

“What about what?” he prompts.

“That guy... Meg said you’re with that other guy, Balthazar,” Dean whispers. He doesn’t want to let Cas go. He finally has the man in his arms and he knows what it feels like to kiss him but if Cas tells him he’s already seeing someone then he’s going to have to.

Cas looks confused. “Balthazar is an old friend from college. He works for our New York firm.”

“But... I saw you with him... you looked cosy.” Dean hates himself for how insecure he sounds but he feels better when Cas’s expression softens and his hands move themselves from clutching at Dean’s body to cupping his face. He presses a gentle kiss to his mouth. It feels comforting and reassuring.

“We used to date, for several years when I was younger,” Cas admits. “But we are simply friends. We’ve just remained close. I promise you Dean, I want _you_ , only you. It’s been that way since I first walked into this store and you hit your head in your hurry to not seem unprofessional.”

Dean laughs a little.

“Dean! That’s more than a minute! You better be wearing all your clothes when I come in there!”

He and Cas both laugh at that and they step away from each other, though Cas looks like it’s costing him a lot to do it.

“I want to talk to you, properly,” Cas says. “Promise you won’t run again.”

Dean nods.

“Come to my apartment tonight?” Cas requests. Dean hesitates. What if he sees Crowley? Cas seems to realise his nerves. Benny joins them in the room then but he doesn’t say anything, simply casts them a look and then grabs some of the flowers Dean has made up to put in the cabinets, leaving them alone again. “Please, Dean. I want to go somewhere private to talk. Just you and me.”

“Okay,” Dean agrees. “Okay.”

The happiness that spreads across Cas’s face is worth any potential embarrassing run-ins with his fuck buddy.

Cas steps back up to him and kisses him one last time, soft and slightly chapped lips lingering on Dean’s and filling him with a ridiculously happy feeling. Dean walks Cas to the door. He stops by the cabinet and gently extracts a gardenia from one of the bouquets. Cas laughs quietly when Dean places it in his lapel.

“Are you ever going to tell me?” he questions.

“Maybe...” Dean smiles. “Ask me again tonight and we’ll see.”

“Alright then.” Cas holds his gaze before he turns and leaves the shop. Dean watches him go, knowing he probably looks like a lovesick teenage girl but he doesn’t care. Cas wants him. He said it out loud to Dean. He wants him.

“I take it that went well then,” Benny muses from the front counter. Dean shoots him a look. “Just saying, brother. It’s good to see you smiling.”

Dean folds his arms and gives Benny a petulant look. “Are we going to braid each others’ hair and paint our nails next?”

Benny shakes his head in exasperation and waves Dean away.

“Go finish up before you turn useless.”

“I’m the boss, not you.”

“Any man who must say ‘I am the boss’ is no real boss.”

“Don’t quote _Game of Thrones_ at me!”

“Don’t stand around pouting like a child then.”

They stare at each other for a long moment until Dean cracks a grin and heads out back. Today is a good day. Definitely a good day.

Benny tells him he’ll close up and sends Dean home early. He packs an overnight bag and tells Charlie not to expect him back.

“Dean, you feel like shit every time you come home from this guy,” she sighs, watching him stuff clothes into his duffle. He’s not sure Cas will even want him to stay the night but he’s not taking chances.

“I’m not going to Crowley’s,” Dean tells her. He turns and smiles at her and Charlie looks confused for a moment until realisation sparks across her face.

“Did you finally make up with Cas?” She rushes over and plops herself on his bed. “Details, Winchester, quick smart.” She snaps her fingers at him and Dean hesitates but this is Charlie, not Sam. He can’t gush to Sam because it’s his job to listen to Sam, not the other way around. But he can tell Charlie.

So he does. He tells her how Cas and he yelled at each other, how somehow Cas knew where he’d spent the weekend and it made him jealous – and didn’t that thought fill Dean with an intense desire to have Cas _show_ him exactly how jealous he was – and all the tension and anger exploded in the best kiss he’s ever had.

“This is fantastic!” Charlie announces. “Don’t you dare let your stupid inferiority complex ruin this.”

“Hey!”

“I’m serious, Dean. He actually likes you and he wants you around. Don’t talk yourself out of it. Please be open with him, like you are with me.”

“But...” Dean falters. “Does that mean I have to tell him everything?”

Charlie studies his face. “You don’t want to tell him about your past?”

“I’m already not good enough for him. How is he going to see me when I tell him I was a prostitute when I was a kid?” Dean stares down at his hands. “How am I supposed to tell him that knowing it’ll change the way he sees me?”

“Hey, Dean, stop.” Charlie stands up and takes his hands. “You don’t need to tell him every secret you have right away but you should tell him that. Eventually. He’s not going to look at you differently. I don’t.”

“Single data point,” Dean mutters.

Charlie laughs sadly. “Don’t worry. Just go over tonight and make sure he knows how you feel and that you know how he feels. Everything else comes later, alright?”

“I can’t do relationships Charlie... but I want to with him.”

“Then you’ll make it work. Now, go, I don’t want to see you back here for a while.”

Dean smiles and ducks forward to kiss her cheek. She waves him off looking incredibly pleased and Dean realises again how lucky he is to have met her.

The doorman lets him in again and Dean heads upstairs and then realises he has no idea if Cas is even home yet. He pulls out his phone and texts him. He doesn’t get a response and he warily steps out of the elevator on the right floor, concerned and not sure what to do. When he approaches the door though it opens and Dean gets his first sight of Cas out of a suit. He’s wearing sweat pants and a dark blue cashmere sweater and Dean wants to bury himself in Cas, just hold him for hours but they need to talk.

Cas doesn’t say anything, though his eyes are filled with warmth as he tugs Dean inside his apartment. It’s the same layout as Crowley’s but two bedrooms instead of one and it feels warmer, more inviting. Cas takes him through the short hallway into the open plan living area and Dean looks around, feeling content.

“Somebody’s confident,” Cas teases, taking Dean’s bag from him.

“Hopeful,” Dean corrects. Cas smiles and leans over but instead of kissing Dean he just rests his forehead against Dean’s temple for a beat before kissing his earlobe and wandering into the main bedroom. Dean smiles as he watches him go.

It had just started raining when Dean pulled up to the building and he can hear the light rain hitting the floor to ceiling windows that make up the outer wall of Cas’s apartment. He can watch the sun’s dying light from here. It’s beautiful and open yet it’s welcoming, decorated with warm colours and the wall opposite the windows is covered with bookshelves and a fireplace. Dean has the sudden image of sitting on that couch in the middle of winter, snow fluttering past the windows as he and Cas snuggle under a blanket, each with a novel and the fake fire flickering away to keep the room warm.

He has no idea where the image came from but he moves towards the couch, wondering if it will ever happen.

He stands by the windows, looking out and feeling terrified and nervous but excited and happy all at once that he’s _here,_ this is actually happening. He can have Cas if he bites back the fear and bites back the insecurities and just lets Cas see him and have him in return.

“Here.”

Dean turns his head because he didn’t realise Cas had snuck up on him. He’s holding out a beer, Dean’s favourite brew by some happy coincidence and he smiles before accepting it.

“It’s a nice view, isn’t it?” Cas notes, eyes flickering out over the city before returning to Dean’s face so Dean isn’t sure what he’s referring to.

“How long have you lived here?” Dean wonders.

“Kansas City or this apartment?”

“Either, both.”

“I’ve lived in Kansas City for five years since Michael put me in charge of the firm’s offices here,” Cas replies. “I bought this apartment three years ago. I like the building and it’s close to work. I miss the countryside though.”

“Where did you live before?” Dean wonders.

“I grew up in the North-West, in Washington. I went to college in New York though and worked under Lucifer in our offices there until I was old enough to branch out on my own. I always miss the forests in Washington, even though I’ve technically been away from them for sixteen years.”

Dean swallows. He always forgets that Cas is so much older than he is. An entire decade is a long time. Cas was starting middle school while Dean was learning to walk and talk. Cas looks at him then and that worry disappears in light of the intensity in his expression. Dean’s expecting it this time when Cas kisses him, he lets his eyes fall shut and lifts his free hand to hold Cas’s neck and keep him close.

Cas pulls away but keeps his face close, nose brushing Dean’s as he breathes heavily for a moment.

“I’ve been thinking about doing that again all day,” he explains. Dean lets out a half laugh.

“So have I,” he admits. “You wanted to talk though?”

“Yes. Come on.” Cas takes his hand and pulls him to the couch. “Are you hungry? I thought about cooking but I’m rather tired. We can order in though.”

“I could eat,” Dean agrees.

“Thai? Pizza? Chicken?”

“Thai sounds good. Chicken pad thai.”

“I’ll make the call. Stay right here.” Cas puts his beer down and goes to call for delivery. He comes back soon after and sits close to Dean who looks down at his beer bottle, still unsure how to proceed. He hopes Cas can give him some guidance because he’s never really done this before.

“Dean, I need to ask before we say anything, what do you want this to be?” Cas asks softly. “I don’t mind what you want. If you just want sex, with no strings attached, I can give you that but I’d rather know so I won’t get more emotionally invested in you than I already am. But if you want this to be something else, something _more_ , I think you should probably be able to look at me when we talk.”

Dean feels a smile tug at his mouth and he looks around at Cas, leaning back into the couch cushions comfortably.

“Is it okay if I’m emotionally invested too?” he whispers. “Think you can stand having me want you like that too?”

Cas leans close and smiles and Dean feels something around his heart unclench.

“I would love that, Dean.”

“So... what is this then?”

“What are you comfortable with?”

“I’d kind of like to try the whole boyfriend thing. I’ve never done it before.”

“Then we’re boyfriends.” Cas lifts his hand and cards his fingers gently through Dean’s hair. “But that means no more running away when you get scared, or whatever reasons you kept pushing me away for before.”

Dean nods. “I come with a lot of baggage, Cas.”

“That’s okay. I’m good at carrying things.”

The statement sounds so absurd that Dean laughs and shifts closer so he can rest his head on Cas’s shoulder and feel that soft cashmere against his face. Cas smells good too and he finds he’d be happy if he never had to move from this position. After holding himself back for so long he just wants to keep touching Cas and have him close by.

But he sits back up and takes a breath, ready to let Cas in on that baggage when fingers press to his mouth.

“It’s okay Dean, you don’t have divulge every deep dark secret you have tonight,” Cas tells him. “I’d rather if we just spent tonight apologising to each other for our behaviour and confusing signals, eating Thai food and then watching a movie. Is that okay?”

Relief floods Dean and he sinks back down to his comfortable position with his head tucked under Cas’s jaw. Cas chuckles and runs his fingers through Dean’s hair again.

“I’ll take that as a yes. I’m just glad you’re finally here and mine.”

Dean shudders at the drop in Cas’s voice when he says ‘mine’. It sounds possessive and Dean thinks he’s okay with belonging to Cas. More than okay with it. Nothing in his life has ever felt as right as this moment does.

“How long did you date Balthazar for?” Dean finds himself asking once their food has arrived and they’ve moved to the table to eat.

“Three years,” Cas answers with no hesitation. “We lived together for nine months and that was when we fell apart. He’s not easy to live with. We’re still very close though, which you realise.” He looks apologetic. “I am sorry for Meg. She enjoys causing trouble. She was trying to make you jealous, not run you off. She wanted to see whether you actually cared about me.”

Dean grumbles. “Gabriel’s idea of testing that made more sense.”

“Ambushing you, you mean?” Cas sounds amused. Dean has gotten the idea that he and Gabriel are as close as Dean and Sam are. “I am sorry about that too. He wasn’t supposed to do it.”

“I’m not sorry. If it wasn’t for him...” Dean shrugs. Cas’s eyes twinkle with warmth as he smiles his agreement. “I almost ruined this...”

“Dean, you really didn’t. I admit, I was hurt after seeing you with Crowley but... it isn’t like it flipped a switch and stopped me wanting you.” Cas looks embarrassed almost. “That morning...” He shakes his head and eyes Dean. “I don’t think I’ve ever felt so jealous.”

Dean flushes. He’s still embarrassed by his decisions. “How did you know I saw him again on the weekend?”

“I saw you arrive. I’d left the reception early and you and I both arrived at almost the same time. At first I’d thought you might be here to see me but when I made it up here I could hear...” Cas tilts his head, looking pained. “Well, I should probably remember how easy it is to hear things through the front doors if I ever have the bright idea to begin foreplay against mine.”

Dean blushes again. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have gone to him again but... I make stupid decisions. I probably will again. I nearly ruined this once and-“

“You didn’t ruin anything. We’re here, aren’t we?”

“But I did. It was... I have a lot of family issues and it’s given me a lot of issues.”

“I come from a very religious family of lawyers. One of my brothers is named Lucifer. Trust me when I say I understand family issues.”

“My dad became an alcoholic after my mum died when I was four and my brother hates him so I’m stuck in the middle.” Dean doesn’t want to say too much just yet, this is testing the waters to see how much Cas can handle. Right now he looks sad and he reaches across the table for Dean’s hand, he squeezes it but doesn’t say anything and Dean’s grateful. They move away from heavier topics and it’s good to realise that they can still talk the way they did when Cas used to visit the shop and it’s comfortable.

They end up on the couch by the time they’re on their third beer each and Cas lines up a random movie on Netflix that neither of them pays attention to. Instead Cas pulls Dean down on top of him and they lie there trading soft kisses. Cas discovers Dean’s weak spot under his ear and kisses and bites at it for a solid five minutes until Dean is a squirming, whimpering mess. Cas laughs and moves back to Dean’s mouth, slowing them back down to lazy kisses.

“What did all the flowers mean?” Cas asks him when Dean shifts down to press kisses down his throat.

“What did I give you?” Dean says. He can’t really remember over the fuzzy heat Cas has brought over him.

“Lilac.”

“Purple. First emotion of love.” Dean thinks for a moment. “Cyclamen, timid hope.” He moves back up to Cas’s mouth and kisses him deeply. “Hyacinth, please forgive me. Morning glory, love in vain. Jonquil, I hope for return of affection.” He kisses him again, lazily licking into his mouth before retreating.

“And the gardenia?”

“Joy.” A kiss to Cas’s nose. “You’re lovely.” One to his forehead. “Sweet love.”

Cas makes a happy sound and draws Dean down into another long kiss.

Dean starts to get sleepy before he realises that Cas doesn’t intend for them to move further than kissing right now. He almost feels ripped off until they go to bed and he gets to fall asleep wrapped in Cas’s arms and he realises that’s enough right now. After weeks of waiting he can wait a little longer if he just gets to enjoy this feeling of new and fragile for tonight.


	8. Hot, sweaty bodies intertwined

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Additional warning for randomly emotional sex. Like... I don't even know what happened here. It was hot then it got really emotional.

Dean learns a lot about Cas over the next few days. He knows Cas learns a lot about him in response and he wonders how he never realised how many little things about somebody you can learn in such a short period of time if you care enough to pay attention.

He learns that Cas has reading glasses. They’re wire rimmed, rectangular and he looks a strange mix of adorable and sexy when wearing them that confuses Dean as to how he should react: stare or initiate kisses.

He learns that Cas likes to cook breakfast. Big breakfasts too. Pancakes, eggs, bacon, waffles, baked potatoes, fruit. He explains that he isn’t much one for cooking at the end of a long work day but he has plenty of energy in the morning and since work is close he has the time. So each morning Dean goes to work stuffed full of perfect breakfast and he thinks he might be falling in love with Cas just because of the food.

He learns that before Cas goes to bed he types something on his laptop. He won’t let Dean see what it is but he is always intent on whatever the task is. There’s a furrow between his eyebrows and he hums and mutters as he works. Dean tries to read while Cas does this but keeps finding himself distracted.

He learns Cas has a ticklish spot under his knees.

He learns that Cas’s apartment has the most amazing water pressure. And the large corner tub in the master bathroom definitely looks big enough for two. Dean finds himself eyeing it and hoping he can test that theory one day soon.

He learns that Cas can’t stand sleeping with socks on or sleeping with somebody wearing socks. So after the first night sleeping in the same bed Cas takes Dean’s socks off before he climbs into the bed, giving him a smug look when Dean grumbles in response. He can suffer through slightly chilly toes though, for Cas’s sake.

Dean can pinpoint the exact moment when he realises that he’s happier than he’s ever been before in his life. He figures it out when he leaves Cas’s apartment for the third morning in a row of spending the night without actually having sex with the man he’s been jerking off to thoughts of for a month, and finds he doesn’t care. Dean kisses Cas at his door since the older man doesn’t need to leave for work for over an hour yet and doesn’t feel frustrated at all. He wants Cas even more than he used to but he can wait.

“Will you come back tonight?” Cas asks against Dean’s lips, pressing him into the doorway and gripping his shirt tightly in his fists.

“I’ll need to go home and get more clothes but if you want me to,” Dean responds. He wonders when he’s going to overstay his welcome.

“Yes. I want you to.” Cas pulls away and he gives Dean a smile, eyes burning. He leans in so his mouth is right by Dean’s ear. “I _want_ you here. In my bed. And you won’t need any clothes.”

Dean swallows thickly. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Cas gives him one last peck on the lips and grins.

“No more waiting?” Dean checks.

“It’s Friday night. This way I have the entire weekend to have you any way I please.”

Dean shudders at the little wave of heat low in his gut. “Promises, promises.”

Cas winks at him when he groans and nudges him out of the doorway. “Tonight.”

Dean shakes his head as the door closes and then he heads off towards the elevator, feeling light and content. As he presses the down button is the moment he realises it: he’s _happy_.

He can’t ever remember feeling like this in his life. It’s very close to when he first set foot in the shop after signing the ownership papers. But better. Because this is new and it’s fragile and it’s precious. It’s changing him already but for once he’s not scared of the change.

“Well, hello, darling.”

Dean stills and glances warily around at Crowley. He doesn’t usually head to work this early. He’s not dressed for work though. He’s dressed too casually.

“Hi, Crowley,” Dean mutters.

“Imagine my surprise at seeing you here, bright and early, when you definitely didn’t spend the night in my bed.”

Dean scoffs. “My life doesn’t revolve around you.”

Crowley acts as though he hasn’t heard him. “It makes me wonder whose bed you did spend the night in.”

Dean grits his teeth. Crowley is not going to degrade his relationship with Cas.

“The only other person I can think you know in this building is my lovely neighbour, Castiel,” Crowley continues. Dean stiffens but doesn’t respond. “Oh, so it is him then. You certainly get around.”

Dean spins and shoves Crowley against the wall, forearm pressed against his upper chest, dangerously close to his throat. Crowley chuckles delightedly.

“Now why don’t you ever show those violent tendencies in bed?”

“Don’t you dare come anywhere near me and Cas,” Dean snarls. “Don’t you try and ruin what we have when I already almost did by sleeping with you.”

Crowley rolls his eyes. “Relax, ducky, I don’t have any intentions to ruin your precious fledgling romance. I was just curious.”

“Yeah, sure sounded like it.”

The elevator arrives then and Dean reluctantly releases Crowley to step inside. Crowley follows him, appearing smug. Dean takes a deep breath. He won’t let Crowley ruin this good mood.

“I really think I should be the angry one. I get the feeling I was being used when you thought you couldn’t have somebody else.” Crowley tuts. “It’s not nice to use people, Dean.”

“Right. Thanks for that.”

Crowley just smiles for the rest of the elevator ride and Dean scowls. Thankfully Crowley heads in the opposite direction to Dean who ducks out of the building to where he parked his car. He cheers up as he listens to Metallica on the way to work and after the twenty minute drive he’s back to the mood he’d been in leaving Cas’s place.

“Well, well, well, so Benny was telling the truth.”

Dean freezes on his way to the back room. Why didn’t anybody tell him Jo was working today?

“About what?” he questions, raising his eyebrows at Jo.

Jo smirks and leans on the table she’d been refilling salt and pepper shakers at. She points to her own throat and it takes Dean a moment to realise what she’s indicating.

“ _Shit_!”

He pulls out his phone to check his reflection. Sure enough he has a dark bruise under his ear where Cas had discovered turned him into a mess when it was sucked and bitten.

Jo’s laughing. “Oh Dean.” She moves over to him and pecks him on the cheek before leaning back and grinning. “I’m happy for you.”

“Of course you are. And that has everything to do with my well being and nothing to do with you mocking me for getting a hickey.”

“Don’t you think it would be neglecting my duty as your friend not to give you as much shit as I can?” she asks him very seriously. “Charlie says you haven’t been home all week.”

“I was home on Monday night,” Dean protests and then flushes when Jo grins. If he was cruel he would question how much time Jo spent at his apartment with Charlie this week and take the attention off him but he knows not to bring up the tension between the girls, not if he wants them to do something about it sooner.

“So you admit you’ve been at his place every night since?”

“Shut up.”

Jo’s renewed laughter follows him into the back room where Benny grins at him. Dean glares and hisses ‘don’t even start’ through his teeth as he passes by.

“I wasn’t going to say a word,” Benny assures him. He moves over to Dean’s work bench and leans against it as Dean rifles through the special orders. “I take things are going well though?”

Dean mumbles an incoherent response.

“Come on, brother.”

Dean glances up at Benny who is smiling. “What do you want me to say?”

“Has it just been honeymoon bliss or have you been working out the issues?” Benny wonders.

“First night we talked around the issue but...” Dean sighs a little. “We still have to really talk about... you know, stuff.”

“Your commitment issues?”

“Yeah, those.” Dean glares a little and then softens. “Mostly it’s just been...”

“Sex?”

“Actually, none of that.”

“You, Dean Winchester, have yet to have sex with your new man?”

Dean remembers Cas’s words from his doorway and a little shudder ripples down his spine in anticipation. He almost can’t wait to see what Cas has in mind. His voice and touch had been full of promises. But he’s also nervous. See, sex Dean is good at, really good actually. But sex with feelings involved? He tries to steer clear after the last few times didn’t end so well. Dean knows he throws himself in too deep when it comes to feelings and he gets hurt more often than not. He wants to trust that Cas will catch him this time but he’s still almost scared that after tonight there won’t be any way to turn back. He’ll lay himself bare for Cas, not just in the physical sense but emotionally as well, and he won’t be able to hide. Cas will either gather up all those pieces and take care of them or he’ll realise, as most people do, that Dean isn’t worth it and that will be the end of it.

He’s terrified of finding out which way it’s all going to go.

Benny realises that Dean’s lost and changes tack to the day’s orders, bringing a bucket of roses over for Dean to work with. The work calms him. With his hands busy, his mind wanders less and Dean loses himself to weaving promises of love or words of loss with his flowers.

He receives a text from Cas at lunch time that is simply the hope that Dean is having a good day. Dean smiles softly and responds in kind before heading out to serve more customers and lend a hand in the cafe.

Towards the end of the day though he’s beginning to feel the anticipation rising under his skin. It isn’t helped by the texts Cas starts to send him. At first it’s to find out what Dean wants for dinner then their tone changes.

**From: Cas Novak**

_I have dessert planned out of course. Take a guess at what’s on the menu ;)_

_Received on 2014/04/11 17:47_

Dean rolls his eyes but his lips twitch into a tiny smile despite the cheesiness of the innuendo.

**To: Cas Novak**

_Me? I do prefer pie._

_Sent on 2014/04/11 17:48_

**From: Cas Novak**

_Good guess. Pie would involve getting out of bed. Trust me, you don’t want to do that._

_Received on 2014/04/11 17:50_

Dean shivers a little and jolts when he receives another text before he’s had a chance to respond to that last one.

**From: Cas Novak**

_I am looking forward to getting you there so I won’t be letting you go anyway. I can’t wait to have you naked, in my bed and at my mercy for as long as I please. Keep that in mind for the next hour until I see you_.

_Received on 2014/04/11 17:51_

Dean stares at the text and swallows. That really isn’t fair.

**To: Cas Novak**

_Fuck you man, that’s playing dirty._

_Sent on 2014/04/11 17:52_

The response is incredibly quick.

**From: Cas Novak**

_I have a feeling you’d prefer it the other way around. And I like to play dirty, Dean, trust me._

_Received on 2014/04/11 17:52_

Dean rolls his eyes and shifts uncomfortably where he’s kneeling, packing up some of the leftover flowers. The effect this man has on him is ridiculous. Nobody’s ever gotten him this turned on from simple text messages. They’re cheesy in regards to the innuendo but Dean can imagine Cas’s gravelly voice whispering them in his ear and the thought sends heat spiralling through his gut and has him hardening in his jeans when it’s really not an appropriate time. He wishes he could say he would pay Cas back for it tonight but that man knows how to push Dean’s buttons. He’s going to be a quivering mess underneath him before he can even express his irritation at the teasing.

And he’s most definitely looking forward to it.

He takes the full bucket into the back room and spies an unsold bouquet of white anemones. He ponders them for a moment and heads into the cool room to hunt down the unsold lilies. He grabs three orange ones and goes back to the bouquet, takes out several of the white flowers and replaces them with the lilies. He ties the new bouquet with a red ribbon and places it by his coat. He’s continued to bring Cas flowers this week, gardenias and pink roses mostly because they make Cas smile, but today needs something a little different.

He and Benny close up the shop with Jo closing up the cafe. They both watch Dean practically vibrating with excitement and checking the clock every ten seconds.

“Go on!” Benny finally laughs. “Get out of here. You’ve got everything cleaned up and I can take care of the books.”

“Are you sure?” Dean questions. He’s counting the money in the till and Benny comes over, grabs his arms and steers him away from the counter and towards the back.

“Just go and get laid. And spare me the gory details on Monday if you wouldn’t mind.”

Dean chuckles. “No promises. If his dick’s as nice as I think it’s going to be-“

“And you’re outta here.” Benny chuckles as Dean grabs his coat and the flowers for Cas.

“Don’t forget about the birthday arrangements tomorrow, they’re really simple and Kevin should be able to help you out,” Dean informs Benny on his way out.

“Yeah, yeah, I got it. Enjoy your weekend, kid.”

Dean grins and ducks out the door and over to Baby. He needs to head back to his and Charlie’s and grab some more clothes for the weekend (he’s hoping that he won’t be spending much time actually wearing clothes over the next few days but it always pays to be prepared). His mind is running rampant with visions of what’s to come as he drives and he knows he’s got a ridiculous smile on his face when he lets himself into the apartment.

“Well, look at that, my roommate does exist after all,” Charlie chirps without looking up from her computer. Dean walks over to the couch and leans down to kiss her cheek before heading to his room.

“You’re the one who said you didn’t want to see me for a while!” he calls.

“I know! How long will it be until you come back or should I just find a new roommate?”

“We’re not getting married Charlie! We’re just... enjoying-“

“Each other.”

Dean glances up to find Charlie leaning in his doorway, her smile wide.

“Yeah, that.”

“Don’t worry about me here on my lonesome then,” she teases. “I’ll try and find somebody whose body I can enjoy while you’re gone.”

“I’ll probably be back on Monday night,” Dean promises. “He’ll be sick of me by then.”

He means it to sound joking but some of his fears clearly seep into the words because Charlie’s across the room in an instant. She smacks him upside the head and then takes his face in her hands.

“You listen to me Dean Winchester,” she scolds. “You are a wonderful, wonderful man and if somebody chooses not to see that then they’re not worth your time or affection. He’s not going to toss you aside, because he seems like a smart cookie and smart cookies don’t throw away the best thing that’s ever going to happen to them.”

Dean flushes. “Charlie-“

“I mean it. But I would like my best friend to remember I exist, so feel free to keep that notion of coming back on Monday night.” She winks at him. “ _Game of Thrones_ just started airing. Save at least one night a week so we can watch it together. Sundays would be better but Mondays will do, I’ll just keep away from the spoilers for a day.”

Dean smiles. “You got it, Your Majesty.”

She grins and pecks him on the cheek before letting him return to stuffing some clothes into one of his other duffle bags since his normal one is still at Cas’s. He calls goodbye to her as he leaves the apartment. His skin feels itchy with the anticipation now as he drives towards the city.

Thankfully he avoids another run in with Crowley and knocks on Cas’s door. He opens it and Dean’s stomach tightens at the sight of him. He hasn’t changed out of his business clothes yet, not fully anyway. His jacket is off and his tie is gone leaving him in a white button down with several buttons undone exposing a measure of chest where Dean can see a smattering of dark hair. The sleeves are rolled up, showing off the corded muscles in his forearms. His hair’s a mess and Dean wants to run his fingers through it. And he has those damn glasses perched on his nose completing the look of a college professor or hot librarian and damn does Dean need to get those clothes off him soon.

Cas smirks when Dean stands there for too long just staring and he reaches out to grab the collar of his leather jacket. He draws him in slowly and presses a lingering kiss to Dean’s mouth. Dean lets his eyes fall shut at the touch, shivering when he feels the tip of Cas’s tongue trace his upper lip slowly and carefully before he pulls back. Dean almost whimpers at the loss but he manages to control himself.

“Good to see you,” Cas breathes.

“You too,” Dean responds, sounding a little breathless. “Uh...” He holds out the bouquet he made for Cas whose eyes light up and the smouldering look of lust is replaced by delight.

“What do these ones mean?”

“Anemones are for anticipation and orange lilies are for desire and passion,” Dean mumbles.

“How suitable.” Cas winks and turns to stride into the apartment. Dean follows him, feeling a little dazed from the heady kiss. It was just a simple press of lips and yet it has him staggering a little. He wonders if this effect is only because Cas has been stopping them just as things started getting hot for the last few nights or if this is the effect Cas is going to always have on him. He kind of hopes it’s the latter because if that’s what one kiss can do he’s really looking forward to the main event.

Cas already has their dinner (Chinese takeout) waiting over on the coffee table with some glasses of wine. Dean drops his bag in the bedroom while Cas put his newest flowers in a vase and places it on the kitchen island. They settle onto the lounge together and Dean eyes the glasses of wine.

“I’m not a big wine drinker,” he says.

“That’s alright,” Cas replies warmly. “I picked one I think you’ll like.”

He shifts closer to Dean before picking up their glasses and placing one in his hand. His fingers stroke Dean’s for a moment before he pulls away. Dean watches him suspiciously. Is this all going to be one giant tease to get him as worked up as possible?

The older man leans down to murmur in his ear.

“It’s sweet and heady. I want you nice and loose and relaxed.” His tongue darts out and traces Dean’s ear for a second before he pulls back and takes a sip from his glass. “Try it.”

Two can play at this teasing game, Dean decides. He takes a sip of the wine and finds that, oddly enough, he does like it. He doesn’t think he wants to drink it all the time but it’s nice enough. He lowers the glass and lets his tongue dart out and collect the stray flavour from his lips. Cas’s eyes track the motion and Dean holds back a smirk as he puts the glass on the table and reaches for a pair of chopsticks and one of the cartons. Cas follows his lead and they chat about their days as they eat dinner.

Chopsticks aren’t the most phallic of objects but he still makes sure to leave them in his mouth longer than necessary and drag them out slowly, sometimes curling his tongue around the ends to catch any sauce that coats them. He makes sure Cas is watching every time he does it and he notices his eyes growing steadily darker.

Cas gives as good as he gets though, making sure their sides are pressed tightly together. He has a hand on the back of Dean’s neck, slowly stroking through the hair at his nape and occasionally leaning down to kiss gently at the spot underneath his ear that sends shivers down his spine and jolts of heat to his groin.

Every time their eyes meet Dean feels an electric charge pass between them and he’s not sure how much longer he can last before he decides to hell with dinner and pounces on Cas right here on the couch with some nature documentary playing in the background. It’s raining again and the sound of the drops hitting the windows almost drowns out the TV. It would be romantic if it wasn’t for all the sexual energy charging the space between them.

Cas leans over Dean to reach a different carton and when he purposely lets his hand drag down the inside of Dean’s thigh the younger man groans, drops his food back on the table and turns. He pulls Cas down into a kiss with a hand on the back of his neck.

Cas chuckles into Dean’s mouth, running his hands through his hair.

“Impatient?” he wonders, pulling back enough to get the words out. Dean responds with a growl and yanks him back in, pushing his tongue through Cas’s lips to trace his teeth. Cas’s own tongue dances against Dean’s before pulling back. Dean growls again and pushes Cas’s shoulders until he falls back onto the couch cushions.

“You’re a fucking tease,” Dean mutters, pulling away from Cas’s mouth to kiss down under his jaw, groaning at the feeling of the man’s five o’clock shadow scratching his cheek.

“And you’re any better? You were practically fellating your utensils. I was getting jealous,” Cas gasps, hands running down Dean’s back and squeezing at his waist. Dean nips at his jaw and moves down to suck at his pulse point. Cas’s hands sneak down and tug his shirt away from his jeans until his hands can caress Dean’s skin, leaving fiery trails in their wake. This is all familiar but this time there’s no slowing down when Dean shifts until he’s straddling Cas. He rotates his hips until he can feel Cas’s erection pressing against his. Cas lets out a low moan and pulls Dean’s face back up to his. Cas bites at his lips and Dean whimpers a little when hands grab his ass and press him down harder.

“Bedroom,” Cas decides.

“Good idea.” Dean sits up and looks down at Cas. He smiles slowly and gets up, pulling his shirt off as he backs away from the couch towards the bedroom. Cas’s eyes narrow and he stands up and prowls after Dean, unbuttoning his shirt slowly. Dean grins and unbuckles his belt before turning and striding into the bedroom. He hasn’t gotten far when Cas’s arms wrap around his waist and there’s a hot mouth sucking at his neck. Dean shudders and tilts his head to the side to give Cas more room. His bare chest is pressed to Dean’s back and when he grinds his hips against Dean’s ass he moans softly.

“Can’t wait to fuck you,” Cas murmurs. One of his hands shifts up and grazes one of Dean’s nipples while the other glides down to rub Dean through his jeans. Dean lets out a gasp and spins in Cas’s arms. He kisses him firmly before slowly dropping to his knees. He lets his mouth trail slowly down Cas’s chest, pausing at his navel and biting at the firm muscles. Cas groans and drops a hand into Dean’s hair, scratching at his scalp.

“Fuck, Dean,” he groans. Dean grins against his skin and makes quick work of Cas’s slacks. Cas kicks them away as Dean kisses over the waistband of his briefs. “Come on Dean, stop teasing. I had to watch that mouth go to town on chopsticks for half an hour.”

Dean looks up under his eyelashes at Cas and smirks when he finds the man breathing heavily and gazing down at him with glazed, dark eyes. He tugs down Cas’s briefs and they’re kicked away in the direction of the pants while Dean leans back on his haunches. His tongue darts out to wet his lips as he contemplates how to begin. He considers teasing Cas more but the hand in his hair tightens and gives his head a nudge and Dean grins. Cas is more impatient than he is. He leans forward and takes the head of Cas’s cock in his lips, sucking gently before pulling back and dragging his tongue down the full length, darting down over his balls before moving back to the head again.

Cas’s low moan causes Dean to ache a little with need and he presses the heel of his palm down on his own hard on. All in good time, he thinks, sucking gently at Cas and suppressing the desire to grin when he gets another moan. He takes Cas further into his mouth and hums around him until Cas’s hand pulls at his hair and then he moans softly.

“You’re so beautiful,” Cas moans and his other hand cups Dean’s face, his thumb brushing Dean’s bottom lip where it’s wrapped around his cock. Dean sucks hard and hums again and Cas moans, eyes flickering shut. “ _Jesus..._ Dean...”

The sound of Cas moaning his name makes Dean’s already racing heart leap and a surge of warmth settle in his stomach that has nothing to do with the heat pooling in his groin.

“Get up here,” Cas gasps when Dean pulls back and drags his tongue around the head of Cas’s cock. Cas pulls him back onto his feet and kisses him deeply, tongue invading Dean’s mouth and seeking out his own taste. Then he’s being pushed backwards onto the bed and Cas is finishing the job Dean started on his belt and tugging his jeans off, followed by his briefs and socks until they’re both naked. Dean sits up and then pulls his legs up until he can kneel, dragging Cas back in. He can’t get enough of his mouth, their tongues pressing together and breath mingling when they pull apart just enough to breathe before diving in for more.

Dean knows he’s trembling when Cas’s large hands stroke down his sides to rest at his hips before he’s pushing him gently backwards and climbing onto the bed after him. Dean’s feet snag in the covers as he tries to lay back and he ends up collapsing, pulling Cas down on top of him and they both laugh breathlessly.

“That was a little less sexy than I’d hoped,” he jokes, trying to hide the slight embarrassment welling up. Cas props himself up on his elbows and strokes his thumb over Dean’s cheekbone before leaning down to kiss him, more softly than before despite the heat burning where their skin is pressed together.

“You,” he begins, pressing soft kisses down under Dean’s jaw, “are very sexy.” He leans back up and his thumb moves down to Dean’s mouth, dragging his lip out before Dean laps the digit with his tongue. Cas lets it drop into Dean’s mouth and he sucks at it, his teeth scraping the pad of the thumb lightly. Cas shudders and removes his hand so he can kiss Dean again, softness gone and replaced with hot need.

“You don’t have to try,” Cas gasps when he pulls away. He lifts himself up off Dean’s body and runs a hand down to his stomach where he presses gently, fingers splaying out in a possessive gesture as his eyes roam over Dean’s skin hungrily, unable to decide where to begin.

“We have all weekend for you to look,” Dean groans, pulling his legs up to fit Cas’s hips between them and pulling him back down. They both gasp when Dean’s movements bring their groins into contact, sparking pleasure through both of them. “I just kind of want you to fuck me now.”

“That can be arranged.”

Cas leans over to the bedside table and opens the drawer. He throws a condom and bottle of lube onto the bed beside them before leaning down and sucking at Dean’s throat, his hands continuing their stroking exploration of Dean’s torso. His thumbs come up to rub at Dean’s nipples and he arches into the touch, eyes clenching shut at the little sparks of heat from that point of contact. He knows he’s incredibly sensitive there and from the look of delight in Cas’s eyes he wants to test exactly how sensitive. Sure enough his mouth moves from Dean’s throat to his chest and there are teeth latching gently onto his left nipple. Dean whines and throws an arm over his eyes as fingers squeeze and roll one while lips suction onto and teeth scrape at the other. He’s panting when Cas pulls back and switches over, a sharp cry escaping his throat as fingers pinch the nipple left abused by his boyfriend’s mouth.

“Cas... Cas, I can’t,” Dean moans. He pushes at Cas’s shoulders. “Too much...”

Cas looks up at him with a wicked smile. “Are you sure?” His fingers rub and roll both nipples now and Dean whines and moans.

“ _Cas_...”

The older man chuckles and moves down Dean’s body, tongue tracing every available line of muscle he can find. Dean presses the heels of his palms into his eyes as Cas sucks mark after mark into the sharp V of his pelvic muscles, tracing each bruise over with his tongue afterwards. He moves down and continues the job on Dean’s inner thighs. Dean is squirming and shifting on the bed, feeling hot and desperate when Cas finally kneels between his legs and looks down at his swollen cock steadily leaking precome onto his stomach.

Dean uncovers his eyes and peers down at Cas who is casually turning the bottle of lube over in his hands as he contemplates Dean’s panting form.

“I can’t get over how wonderful you look,” Cas explains reverently. He clicks open the bottle and coats his fingers liberally as he settles back down. He licks the length of Dean’s erection and then blows on it making Dean whine again. “All spread out and coming apart on my bed... I thought about this you know...”

He trails his wet fingers down Dean’s thigh slowly. Dean shivers as they move under his balls and press at his perineum before sliding further back. One digit circles his rim teasingly and Dean squeezes his eyes shut again, unable to take Cas’s expression as he watches his own movements.

“I thought about this so often after we met,” he continues. His voice is trembling slightly and Dean takes comfort knowing he’s not the only one coming apart here. Cas is a cruel tease but Dean can’t imagine anything better at this moment. The finger teasing him finally presses in slowly, slowly and Dean groans, squeezing his eyes shut tighter. “About what you might look like if I could get you moaning my name... Whether you’d be like this or if you’d be more dominant... I’m glad you’re like this though. It’s perfect. Dean, you’re so gorgeous for me.”

Dean moans as Cas slides his finger all the way in before removing it and pressing back in with two. He doesn’t know how to respond to Cas’s words, he isn’t sure he believes them, but doesn’t think he actually can respond right now especially when there are no more words because Cas’s mouth is now sliding down his cock, hot and wet and perfect. Cas’s fingers are slowly rubbing at his inner walls, searching. Dean loses his ability to utter coherent sentences when Cas finds his prostate at almost the same instant that he swallows Dean whole, throat constricting around the head of his cock.

He’s just whining and muttering curses as Cas adds a third finger and twists and rubs them inside him while deep-throating him. The dual pleasure is almost too much but Cas seems to know exactly when to pull back and tease him again. He pulls away completely a moment later to hunt down the condom he’d tossed on the bed. Dean moves to roll onto his stomach but Cas catches him, leaning down and kissing him slowly.

“I want to face you,” he whispers. Dean blinks back the moisture that had accumulated in his eyes and meets the dark, dark blue above him. He swallows nervously. He hates face to face, he really does.

“... Okay?” he responds. Cas frowns.

“Unless... if you don’t want to...”

“No, it’s... it’s fine.” Dean nods. “Just... hurry up and fuck me, yeah?”

Cas frowns at him again but proceeds to roll on the condom and slick himself up. Dean wraps his legs around Cas’s waist to make it easier and he looks to the side when he feels the head of his cock pressing against him. The fear from earlier is back, filling him up. His eyes squeeze shut, breath leaving him in a gasp when Cas thrusts in the first time. His arms wrap tightly around Cas’s shoulders until the older man reaches back and undoes his hold. Their fingers lace and Dean gasps a little. Cas is moving slowly and he stops. Dean whines and rocks his hips down, trying to get Cas going.

“Dean, look at me,” Cas murmurs. Dean doesn’t move for a moment and Cas squeezes both his hands, fingers rubbing Deans where they’re positioned by Dean’s head. “Dean, please.”

Dean slowly opens his eyes and turns his head to meet Cas’s gaze. He lets out a slow breath, the fear that had been tormenting him for hours fading slowly as he reads the adoration in Cas’s eyes. He feels the hot prickle of tears in his eyes and he arches up to seal their mouths in a kiss. He squeezes Cas’s hands back and he finally starts moving, slowly at first then speeding up in response to Dean’s gasps and moans. Dean untangles their hands and wraps his arms around Cas again but this time he breaks their kiss to press their foreheads together, looking him in the eyes as a tear actually escapes him and runs down his face.

Why didn’t somebody tell him sex could feel like this?

Cas brushes the tear away and kisses under Dean’s eye. He doesn’t say anything but he slows his thrusts again, prolonging the intense feeling of affection and safety replacing the fear in Dean. Dean realises he’s never experienced true intimacy until now. Cas doesn’t even know all of his secrets yet Dean finds himself ready to spill them all in a heartbeat if Cas asked. The look of desire and happiness and affection on the older man’s face tells Dean that he can trust him, that maybe, just maybe, he won’t go running for the hills.

It’s an intense realisation, especially when they’ve known each other for just under a month and this relationship is still so new and breakable, but Dean knows it’s true. He’s never, once in his life, had this feeling about a person before.

And he’s not sure he ever wants to let it go.

Cas is panting hard now, his eyes shut and he leans down to press his forehead against Dean’s shoulder. Dean digs his fingers into Cas’s shoulders, holding him tighter as the man reached between them to wrap a hand around him and stroke.

“Come with me Dean,” he gasps into his ear. “Come with me.”

Dean gasps and clenches his eyes shut. The hot coil in his gut snaps and he comes with a cry of Cas’s name revelling in the fact that he doesn’t have to hold it back this time, a second later Cas follows as Dean tightens around him. They hold each other, panting and shivering as they slowly calm down, heart beats slowing side by side. Dean is stroking his fingers through Cas’s hair, still clinging to him and hoping he never has to unwrap himself.

He does of course and Cas wriggles out of his hold to pull away and go into the bathroom. Dean hears the bath start up and he sighs happily, rolling onto his side and sitting up. He stumbles out of bed and into the bathroom. Cas is sitting on the edge of the tub and catches sight of him from the corner of his eye. He laughs.

“Are you okay?” he teases.

“I think so,” Dean mumbles. “You disoriented me a little.”

Cas smiles and draws Dean between his legs. He pulls him down into a gentle kiss, their lips sliding together lazily and Dean makes a happy sound into Cas’s mouth.

“Here, hop in,” Cas says, checking the temperature in the large bath. “I’ll be right back.”

He helps Dean into the water and leaves the room. Dean watches him go unhappily but picks up a wash cloth and proceeds to clean the mess of come from his stomach and the lube from between his thighs. Cas comes back and Dean looks up and lights up at the sight of a large bowl in the man’s hands.

“Dessert?” he asks excitedly.

“Warm apple pie and ice cream,” Cas nods with a grin. “Move over.” Dean shifts out of the way for Cas to get into the water. He turns off the taps as Cas sits the bowl on the side of the bath and slips in. Dean shifts back over to sit between his legs, settling back against his chest and grinning. One of Cas’s arms wraps around him and the other brings a spoonful of pie and ice cream in front of his face that Dean accepts with a groan.

“Should I be offended? You sound more satisfied with the pie than the sex,” Cas teases.

“Pie and sex are pretty amazing apart but pie after sex? Pretty much perfect,” Dean explains. Cas chuckles and Dean tilts his head back expectantly. He receives a kiss sticky with syrup and ice cream. Cas’s tongue darts out to collect the stickiness from his lips and Dean grins.

“Are we going to talk about what happened?” Cas asks when he pulls away from the kiss. Dean flushes and averts his eyes.

“Can we talk about it another time? Right now’s too good to do heavy conversation,” he mumbles.

Cas doesn’t respond for a moment and Dean looks back up at him. He seems concerned, not annoyed.

“You were crying,” he says softly.

“I’m okay,” Dean promises. “Really... Another time? Please?” He knows he sounds whiny but his confidence from minutes before has gone to be replaced with insecurity again. He isn’t sure how well Cas will actually deal with all the baggage that comes along with Dean Winchester as a boyfriend.

Cas meets his gaze for a moment and then nods.

“Another time,” he agrees and holds out another spoonful of pie and ice cream which is followed up by another sticky kiss, this one longer and harder. Dean leans further onto Cas, drawing comfort from the hot bathwater and the feeling of Cas’s body against his.

Now is for enjoyment and basking in the afterglow of fantastic sex.

Later is for difficult explanations about Dean’s history.


	9. Dating is unchartered territory

Dean’s wish is granted when the most clothes he puts on for the rest of the weekend are a pair of boxers to answer the door for the couple of times they order in. Cas cooks breakfast as usual and Dean fixes them leftovers for lunch but after spending each day of the weekend wrapped around Dean in bed he claims he doesn’t want to let either of them leave long enough to cook a meal so they call out. A nearby Italian restaurant that does deliveries on Saturday night and a Turkish place on Sunday.

Dean discovers that Cas likes to feed him. He’s not sure why and it’s usually after sex. For example on Saturday morning Dean is woken up by Cas’s mouth sucking on his throat which evolves into a long, slow fuck before Cas leaves. Dean hears him cluttering in the kitchen. He starts drifting back to sleep and is woken when Cas returns with a plate of waffles, a bottle of syrup and a bowl of berries. He places the plates on the bedside table before getting back into bed and wrapping Dean in his arms. Dean sleepily nuzzles into his throat and feels something pressed to his lips.

“You need to eat,” Cas rumbles softly. Dean parts his lips and is rewarded with a raspberry placed on his tongue. It’s followed by some blueberries and bites of waffles drenched in sticky maple syrup. He opens his eyes and gives Cas a dark look.

“I’m not a child,” he complains.

Cas hums and smiles, holding out a strawberry close to Dean’s mouth. Dean rolls his eyes but bites down on the fruit. There’s a satisfied look in Cas’s eyes at Dean’s acquiescence so he humours the man and lets him finish feeding them both breakfast.

The two days pass in a haze of heat and bare skin and tongues and hands and sweat. Dean finds himself lying awake at a point on Sunday night. They finished dinner curled up in robes on the couch and then returned to the bedroom where Cas sucked Dean off before promptly falling asleep. Dean wasn’t tired yet and now he was thinking, looking down at Cas where his head is resting on Dean’s stomach.

Cas had given in to Dean’s desire not to face each other after the first time so it hasn’t felt as intense since Friday night but somehow it’s still felt different than Dean’s countless one night stands and, though he hates thinking about them, former... clients from both his teenage and college years. Cas is different to all of them. His touch means something.

Dean strokes a hand through the dark strands of hair.

“What is it about you?” he wonders quietly. Cas stirs and shifts, blinking blearily up at Dean.

“You say something?” he mumbles.

“No. Go back to sleep.” Dean smiles, stroking fingertips over Cas’s cheek.

“I’m awake now.” Cas blinks carefully and then rolls off Dean, stretching out beside him and sighing happily. “I don’t want to go back to work tomorrow.”

Dean chuckles. “I’ve spoilt you.”

“Yes, you have. My weekends are normally tedious.” Cas smiles. “What do you normally do on your weekends?”

“I work some Saturdays. Sometimes I go visit Sam in Cali,” Dean replies. He rolls onto his side so he and Cas are facing each other. Cas tugs the covers over them and wiggles closer. He takes one of Dean’s hands and laces their fingers together between them. Dean’s heart tightens a little and he squeezes Cas’s hand. This is... nice. “Other times me and Charlie hit the bars with our friends, or, um...”

Dean blushes and looks at their hands. This seems to peak his boyfriend’s interest.

“Or what?”

“We sometimes... uh... this is totally lame and nerdy...”

Cas laughs and wriggles even closer. He kisses the tip of Dean’s nose affectionately.

“Tell me,” he urges, sounding excited.

“LARPing, we go LARPing. Charlie got me into it when we first moved in together. It’s completely uncool and let’s not talk about it.”

“No, wait, I don’t even know what that is.” Cas’s eyes are bright and he’s grinning. “Explain it to me.”

“It’s... where you dress up in costume and role play with other nerds in costume. Do I really have to explain?”

“Yes!”

And so Dean, blushing all the while, tells Cas about his adventures in Moondoor, Charlie his Queen and Dean her knight. Cas finds it fascinating. That strange look he gets sometimes when he watches Dean is back. Dean hasn’t seen it in a while, at least not since before they got together and he finds it curious. He doesn’t know what it means.

In return Cas tells him stories about trips with his family: fishing, hiking and camping. He talks about how Gabriel once placed a dead snake in Michael’s sleeping bag and how everyone laughed at his oldest brother’s shriek of terror and subsequent chase after Gabriel around the camp site. He tells Dean how Anna was the best hiker despite her propensity for designer clothes and immaculate make-up; she apparently enjoyed squashing stereotypes throughout her life.

“You guys sound close,” Dean muses.

“So do you and Sam. I’m very grateful for my siblings,” Cas explains. “There have been times when I would have been alone if it weren’t for them.”

Dean raises his eyebrows. Cas looks at their hands, expression serious.

“I have a very religious family Dean, coming out them as a gay man during my college years wasn’t easy. I... I was almost disowned.”

Dean shifts closer, pulling Cas’s hands into his chest and touching their noses. Cas keeps speaking quietly.

“My father was angry and my mother couldn’t even look at me. They told me to get out of the house,” he whispers. There’s a distant look in his dark blue eyes and Dean’s heart aches for him. This is why he never came out to his family. He was scared of the same thing happening. Still is, actually. “I went to a motel. Gabriel showed up a few hours later and told me that Michael, Lucifer and my father spent an hour yelling at each other until Anna and our mother separated them. Gabriel wasn’t sure who was on what side so he’d slipped out to make sure I was alright.”

Cas falls silent, looking thoughtful. “I’m still not actually sure who was on what side but after a few months of my father demanding none of our family speak to me Lucifer showed up at my fraternity house. He told me our father was a dick and that as soon as I was done with school head on over to the New York offices, he had a job lined up for me in compensation.”

Dean smiles. “Luci lives up to his namesake huh? The disobedient son?”

Cas chuckles softly. “Yes, he does. My father was furious. He threatened to throw us out but Michael reminded him that he signed the company over to him, and it was _he_ who expanded and turned it into what it is today. If he wanted to fire either of us then he should have thought of that sooner. We were all surprised. We never expected Michael to side against Father. But...” Cas smiles softly. “Michael has never been able to side against his twin. They’ve always been inseparable. My Father threatened to cut us all off. Gabriel had already not been speaking to anyone after they threw me out and now that Lucifer was being threatened Michael had had enough. Anna had been attempting to bridge the gap but when none of us were speaking to our parents she deemed it worthless and chose to cut off contact with our parents also.”

Dean kisses Cas on the forehead. He huffs a soft breath. “That’s awful. But that was a while ago, do you speak to them now?”

“Sometimes. Anna didn’t invite them to the wedding as you probably guessed. But my father didn’t like the way the press seemed to notice the two major shareholders of the family company weren’t speaking to him. He tried to reconcile with Michael and Lucifer who refused unless he revoked his choice to disown me. Eventually he did but things are always strained at home. Gabriel then decided one year to casually bring a man home to our annual Novak Family Reunion. We all thought our father would have a heart attack.” Cas shakes his head, looking fondly exasperated. “To this day I don’t know whether Gabriel is bi or pan or something, or if he did it simply as an act of solidarity for me. I was dating Balthazar at the time and had been too afraid to bring him home to meet the family and my siblings detested that fact.”

Dean frowns. “Did you ever take a man home to meet them all?”

Castiel shakes his head sadly. “I’ve never found someone special enough to risk getting disowned again. I walk a fine line with my father. I love him, Dean, you must understand, and it would kill me never to speak to him or my mother again, no matter how cruel their behaviour might be towards me.”

Dean understands, boy does he understand. He wants to offer his own family story to Cas in return but knows now isn’t the right time. Soon, when he feels more secure in this, he’ll tell Cas about Mary and John and living out of motel rooms his entire life. Right now he simply bundles Cas into his arms and they fall asleep like that, wound around each other and safe.

***

They don’t see each other again until the following weekend. Dean spends his nights during that week with Charlie (multitasking by texting Cas of course) and sometimes at the Roadhouse with Benny and Jo. They all tease him about Cas but Dean sees their smiles and knows they’re happy. He also hears the hidden warnings in their voices. They don’t want him to do what he always does. He really hopes he doesn’t prove their concern right.

He realises when the weekend arrives that he and Cas haven’t gone on a date. They spent all of last week watching movies and talking while snuggling on Cas’s couch interspersed with kissing then the weekend was spent naked in bed. Dean would really like to take Cas on a date, he decides. And he has an idea. He’s not sure whether it’s the kind of thing Cas likes but he guesses he’ll find out.

On Saturday morning he wakes Cas and informs him they’re going out. Cas looks intrigued and happily follows Dean to his car. Dean is proud when Cas settles into Baby and compliments how well-kept she is.

“So, where are we going?” Cas questions when Dean turns the music down so it’s merely background noise. Cas smiles at Dean, looking delectable in his sweater and jeans. Dean loves seeing him in casual clothes and specifically asked him to dress like that for their day out.

“It’s uh, it’s a surprise.” Dean bites his lip as he focuses on the road. What if Cas hates it? What if he has a boring day and realises that dating down is a bad idea? Fuck, what was he thinking? Cas’s idea of a date probably involves fine dining and expensive wines. Not what Dean has planned.

He fidgets in his seat, growing increasingly uncomfortable until Cas reaches over and squeezes his leg.

“Whatever’s going through your mind, it’s probably wrong,” he says. Dean glances at him with narrowed eyes. Cas grins. “I’m starting to understand when you’re uncomfortable with yourself. I promise, you never need to be embarrassed or ashamed with me, Dean. I like you, exactly as you are.”

Dean blushes and looks away but he can’t help a small smile at Cas’s words. He likes hearing about Cas’s feelings for him. He’s never as open in kind but Cas doesn’t push, just gives him that deep, knowing look and kisses him. Now, though, he gives Dean’s thigh one last squeeze before looking out his window and trying to figure out where they’re headed. Dean takes the I-35 and Cas turns to look at him.

“I take it we’re leaving the city?” he questions.

“Do I need to blindfold you?” Dean responds teasingly.

Cas smirks at him. “If you did could I return the favour tonight?” A swallow from Dean has Cas’s eyes darkening. “Would you like that?”

“Maybe...”

Cas hums thoughtfully and goes back to scanning their surroundings.

“There’s no basket in the back so we’re not going on a picnic and we’re not really dressed for nature walks...”

“Cas,” Dean complains. “This is meant to be a surprise, stop trying to figure it out.”

Cas grins but stops asking questions. Instead he shifts a little closer to Dean on the seat. Dean glances at him and then switches hands so that he can offer his right hand to Cas for holding. Cas takes it happily and starts tapping his foot along to the music. Dean supposes that’s a good sign. It means they won’t have any arguments over Dean’s driving music like he’s had with everyone who has ever gotten into his car in the past.

For the next twenty minutes Dean sings softly along to the stereo while Cas traces the lines in his hand and rubs at the calluses on his fingers. He occasionally leans over to kiss Dean’s ear or his neck or his cheek. It’s quiet and peaceful and Dean feels happiness welling up in his chest to the point where he wants to hide away from it before it overwhelms him.

Cas begins to notice the road signs and he tilts his head, mouthing the town name to himself.

“You know, I’ve lived here for years and I’ve never made the trip here,” he muses.

“You’ve never been to Excelsior Springs?” Dean questions.

“No. Is there something exciting here?”

Dean hesitates, fidgeting.

Cas watches him with a frown. “Not that there needs to be but... surely you chose it for a reason?”

“Well...” He takes a calming breath. “Charlie and I drove up here once just because of the name. It’s just a nice town, peaceful and quiet. Plus there’s this diner that has the best burgers I’ve ever had in my life, man.”

Cas raises an eyebrow. “Really?”

Dean flushes. “I mean...” He takes the turn off and glances sideways at Cas. “Look it was a stupid idea. I’ll turn around. We can find some restaurant and-“

“Shh.” Cas leans over and kisses the corner of Dean’s mouth, squeezing his hand and reaching his other over to run through Dean’s hair. “It sounds great. Relaxing. You have no idea how much I need relaxing in my life.”

Dean smiles, relief lifting a small weight off his shoulders.

“Besides. I love cheeseburgers. I haven’t had a good one in a long time.”

Dean grins. “Well, at least I know what to cook for you in the future.”

“You want to cook for me?” Cas is smiling.

“Sure. We don’t have to keep eating take out for dinner. I know you’re too tired but I don’t mind cooking after work.” Dean turns his head slightly before paying attention to the road signs again. “If that’s okay, I mean.”

Cas just laughs and lifts Dean’s hand to his mouth, kissing each of his knuckles.

“My birthday’s next Friday. Maybe you should cook for me then.”

“What?” Dean blinks and stares at Cas for a moment until the older man directs his gaze back to the road with a gentle hand. “Why didn’t you say something?”

“Because I’ll be thirty-four. That’s an entire decade older than my gorgeous, young boyfriend. You make me feel like I’m sucking away your youth.” It’s teasing but Dean can detect a hint of insecurity. It takes one to know one, he supposes.

“Trust me, babe, I have no youth to suck.”

Cas’s mouth twitches into a strange smile. “I don’t know whether to be pleased over the pet name or worried over your self-deprecation.”

Dean frowns and opens his mouth to respond when Cas sighs.

“I know, I know, ‘another time’.” He sounds frustrated and he drops Dean’s hand, turning to glare out the window but by the time Dean parks the car and they step into the weak yet warm sunshine he’s smiling again and he shifts over to reclaim Dean’s hand in his.

“Where to first?” he asks.

“I remember you mentioning taking history classes in college. This town’s got a few interesting museums including one about Jesse James on his family’s farm but that’s outside the town,” Dean replies. “Plus there’s a few nice parks to take a walk in.”

“Well then, let’s wander along and see what takes our interest.”

Cas takes a deep interest in the town’s historical sites and Dean watches him with growing affection. It’s endearing when he seems to get excited about something. At one point they’re at a park and Cas stops reading a nearby plaque to watch a man wandering down a path near to them. He pulls out a small notepad from his pocket and writes something down, eyeing the man intently. Dean watches Cas curiously but doesn’t ask.

They go to Ray’s diner for lunch as Dean had been planning and he shifts uncomfortably in his seat at the moan Cas makes when he first bites into his burger.

“You were right,” he groans. “These are amazing.”

Cas eats two burgers and Dean thinks he could be a little in love.

After lunch Dean drags Cas back to the car and heads back onto the road they came into town on.

“Are we leaving already?” Cas sounds sad and Dean inwardly cheers that his date idea had been well received.

“Nope. I just saw something on the way in that I thought we could do for the rest of the afternoon.”

Cas looks excited when he spots what Dean was talking about.

“Ten pin bowling,” he laughs. “I haven’t been since I was in high school.”

Dean grins. “Well, prepare to lose because Sam, Charlie and I come here whenever he comes to visit and I am going to kick your ass.”

Cas smirks, eyes calculating. He slides over to Dean once the car is parked and takes his face in his hands. Dean shuts his eyes in anticipation of a kiss but only gets Cas’s lips barely brushing his as he speaks instead.

“If I win, you’ll let me tie you up and do whatever I want to you tonight,” he breathes. Dean shivers and lets out a tiny sound of need. He tries to kiss Cas but he pulls back. “And if you win, you can have whatever you want.”

“Whatever I want?” Dean wonders. Cas nods, blue eyes darkening.

“Anything.” He finally kisses Dean and then slides away. “Ready?”

Dean grins. Either way, he figures he’s going to get something good out of this so he eagerly follows Cas out of the car and towards the alley. He does end up winning despite Cas’s attempts to distract him by whispering filthy promises in his ear about what would happen if he beat Dean.

On Dean’s last turn he takes a strike and turns to Cas with a smirk. The older man is shaking his head with an indulgent smile as he sips from his beer. Dean strolls over casually but before he can drop into the seat beside Cas, Cas tugs him onto his lap instead. Dean glances around warily but nobody’s watching them.

“Congratulations,” Cas teases, kissing his throat gently. “What would you like for your prize?”

Dean frowns and fluffs Cas’s hair into more of a mess than it usually is.

“I don’t know,” he responds.

“Well, is there anything you’ve ever wanted to try but never have?” Cas seems genuinely interested and Dean thinks of some of his more secret desires and then casts that thought aside. He doesn’t feel comfortable enough with Cas to fuck face-to-face, he’s not about to unload his kinkiest fantasies.

Cas watches his face.

“Are you interested in public sex?” Cas questions.

Dean hesitates then quickly shakes his head. He’s not about to talk about his history here in a bowling alley so he’d rather tell a small white lie. It’s not even a lie, not really, he’s not actually interested in public sex. It’s just a lie that he’s never tried it before.

“Sex in the Impala?” Cas smirks when Dean raises his eyebrows.

“I have had sex in my baby more times than I can count, Cas.” He leans down and nips at Cas’s ear. “Though she’s never seen an ass as fine as yours. Maybe someday soon.”

Cas’s expression grows more devious. “Road head?”

Dean stills and meets his boyfriend’s eyes slowly. Cas finds the answer when Dean shifts at the unexpected wave of arousal. He’s never gotten road head before and he’s never thought about trying it with anybody but now that Cas brings it up...

Dean climbs off Cas’s lap. “Yeah... not really. I’ll think of something by the time we get back.”

Cas nods but he’s still wearing that devious expression as they leave the alley.

It’s mid afternoon and Dean deems it having been a successful day. They’ll be back at Cas’s apartment by four thirty and by then he’s sure he’ll have an idea of what he’s going to ask Cas for as his prize. Cas holds his hand on the drive again, looking relaxed and ridiculously sexy as he reclines in the seat.

Just after they merge back onto the I-35 Cas suddenly sits up straight and inches closer to Dean. Dean frowns at him but Cas is still gazing out the windscreen, nothing seems to be bothering him so Dean returns his attention to the road. Cas releases Dean’s hand, running his fingers up Dean’s arm and then down his torso. Dean smiles a little but otherwise ignores the touch even when Cas’s fingers slip under his shirt and stroke across his stomach. He digs his nails in and Dean shivers automatically.

“For someone who was complaining about feeling old you sure have a young dude’s sex drive.”

Cas hums in response and teases a finger under the waistband of Dean’s jeans before tracing it down the inside of his thigh. Dean grits his teeth and shifts uncomfortably. Cas’s hand retraces its path then cups over Dean’s crotch, kneading gently. Dean huffs and looks at Cas quickly. He’s watching out the windscreen but is no longer smiling softly. He’s smirking again.

“Cas, what the hell, man?” Dean wheezes when Cas rubs him slowly. He can feel himself hardening at the touch.

“Just concentrate on driving,” Cas replies, turning and winking at Dean. He swiftly unbuttons and unzips Dean’s jeans and slips his hand into his briefs, brushing his fingers down Dean’s half hard dick slowly before gripping it and stroking firmly. Dean groans and almost clenches his eyes shut until he remembers he’s driving. He concentrates on trying not to kill them.

“Cas, really, now is not the time,” Dean gasps when Cas’s hand speeds up. He’s almost completely erect when Cas turns and ducks down.

Oh. _Oh_.

Dean moans quietly when Cas’s tongue flicks over the tip of his erection before his mouth closes over it, sucking gently.

“ _Cas_...”

“Shh, just drive,” Cas says.

Now there’s a tongue moving over him, licking him like some kind of bizarrely shaped ice cream. Hot, wet velvet follows when Cas takes him in his mouth, sliding down slowly with the perfect amount of suction. Dean drops his free hand into Cas’s hair, tugging on it and causing Cas to moan around him. He tightens his other hand on the steering wheel and concentrates entirely on trying to keep the car straight as Cas’s tongue does sinful things to the vein throbbing on the underside of his cock.

“You’re way too good at this,” Dean mutters between his clenched teeth. He bucks up into Cas’s mouth a little when he does this _thing_ with his tongue that- “ _fuck!_ Fuck, Cas, stop.”

Dean thinks Cas is going to listen to him as he pulls off. He glances up at Dean, licks his swollen lips obscenely before going back to it, taking Dean all the way into his mouth until he bumps the back of Cas’s throat. The older man hums around him and Dean moans. He notices a pull-off rest stop up ahead and he flicks on his indicator.

Cas doesn’t notice until he’s stopped and he pulls off, looking amused.

“What’s-“

Dean grips Cas’s hair in his hand and tugs, guiding him back down. Cas lets out a huff of surprise before sucking the tip of Dean’s dick in between his lips again.

“You’re an asshole,” Dean groans, thrusting up into Cas’s mouth and closing his eyes, dropping his head back on the seat. He hopes the cars driving past think he’s just taking a nap because he’d hate to have to explain this. He really, really just wants to come down Cas’s throat and then leave him hard and wanting in the seat beside him until they get back to his apartment as punishment for this torture. “I could have crashed.”

Cas hums around him and Dean fucks harder into his mouth. Cas’s throat relaxes and he takes Dean easily, his tongue still running pleasurably along his length with every thrust. Soon enough Dean can feel the heat building and he tightens his hand in Cas’s hair as warning then he’s coming. Cas swallows easily and pulls off when Dean’s hand relaxes. He licks his lips as he sits up and smirks at Dean. Dean just glares at him half heartedly and then starts when Cas tucks him back into his jeans and does them up.

“Fuck you,” Dean groans.

“If you’d like,” Cas replies and Dean raises an eyebrow. “I told you that your prize could be whatever you wanted.”

“I’d like to get home in one piece,” Dean retorts and Cas laughs. “So don’t even think about jerking off.”

Cas moves back to his seat and presses a hand down on his crotch, dark eyes unmoving from Dean. Dean eyes the bulge in his jeans and contemplates returning the favour but decides making Cas wait is better. He smiles though as he pulls back onto the interstate. Today was easy, easier than Dean ever thought dating could be. He feels a little more relaxed with Cas and hopes that’s a good sign. Maybe he can do this whole relationship thing right after all.


	10. And of course it all has to fall apart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is where some dub-con and the idea of consent issues are first raised. I apologise in advance. It gets resolved, I swear.

Everything seems to be going so well. Dean hasn't heard from John since his last text, which is always a good sign, and for the first time Dean is in a relationship that involves feelings and he hasn't run away. It's for this reason that he knows he shouldn't be surprised when it begins to fall apart. Things never stay good for him for long.

He and Cas have been together for a month and Dean has successfully managed to avoid all questions relating to his past but every time he does so, Cas seems to grow weary and pull away from him for a while. A 'while' that grows longer and longer each time. He appears hurt by each refusal to open up but Dean remains too scared to explain everything. Cas thinks he wants to know, but he will turn away in disgust the minute he learns the truth. Why would he stay after he's been given irrefutable proof that Dean is beneath him?

So you see he shouldn't be at all surprised when he wakes up on a Saturday morning in his own bed – instead of the large bed at Cas’s where he’d woken up every Saturday since they began dating, because Cas had "family stuff" – and realises that it isn’t just a change in routine; they haven’t had sex in over a week even though they spent nearly every second night together. It's happening. Cas is realising that he isn't worth the effort.

Dean buries his head under his pillow and takes several deep breaths. Should he do it? Should he break it off before Cas has the chance to shatter him when he's not prepared? At least if he does it himself then he can brace himself and he can then avoid the knowing looks from everyone when they find out Cas got sick of him.

But he doesn't want to. He likes waking up to Cas cooking him breakfast. He likes going on dinner dates to diners and taking long drives in Baby with Cas holding his hand. It's been almost five weeks, not a long time for sure, but Cas has carved his place in Dean's heart and life permanently and Dean would feel his absence painfully.

He groans and presses the pillow harder to his face. He's caught between a rock and a hard place right now. Tell Cas everything and risk losing him? Leave everything to fall to pieces and still lose him?

Dean emerges from his hiding place and gropes for his phone. It tells him that it's nine am and he missed a call from Cas Novak who left a voicemail. He only hesitates for a minute before deciding to listen to it.

Cas's gravelly voice fills his ear and Dean smiles softly.

"I guess you're still asleep since it's your day off," Cas muses. "But I wanted to let you know I'm coming to see you in half an hour. I lied last night about what I was doing and I feel terrible. I missed you last night. See you soon."

Dean feels cold. Cas lied? Dean knew "family stuff" was a weak excuse but an outright lie? He wonders what Cas could possibly have been doing that he felt he needed to lie about it. Then he realises what the message said and that Cas - Cas who lives in an upmarket apartment in the city - is going to be in Dean and Charlie's shoebox in about ten minutes and he hasn't showered or anything and his room is a bit of a mess. He scrambles to get out of bed and ends up tangling his legs in the blanket and tumbling to the floor with a crash. He groans and rolls onto his back, rubbing his arm where he landed on it.

“Dean? Are you okay?”

Charlie must have been drawn by the sound.

He simply groans again rather than responding.

“Are you alive in there?”

He goes to reply but their doorbell sounds and he gasps. He hears Charlie’s footsteps retreating from his room to answer the door and he rolls to get up and out of his blankets. He bounds to his bedroom door and pulls it open without considering that he’s only wearing his briefs.

“Charlie, don’t-“

She’s already opening the door. Cas smiles when he sees her.

“You must be Charlie,” he greets.

“And you must be Cas,” she replies after a confused moment taking in his appearance, her expression lighting up. She turns to call to Dean and then blinks rapidly.

“Jesus Dean!” she complains. “I thought we had an agreement! Clothes on outside the bedrooms!”

Dean looks down at his mostly bare body and then presses a hand to his face. This is embarrassing. He can hear Cas holding back laughter as Charlie lets him in and offers him coffee. Dean tries to escape back into his room but Cas comes over and catches his arm. Dean looks into his boyfriend’s eyes and finds them wary but warm.

“I need to shower,” Dean mumbles.

“I’ll be out here then,” Cas assures him. He hesitates and Dean hates the way he looks right now so he ducks in to kiss him softly.

“I’ll be ten minutes.”

Cas looks relieved when Dean pulls away. They share a look, Dean letting himself get lost in Cas’s eyes for a few seconds before he retreats into his bedroom. He rushes through his shower as much as he can and throws on comfy clothes before slowly approaching the living area. Charlie has provided Cas with coffee and pancakes and they’re chatting. Dean hears the topic immediately and presses a fist to his mouth to keep himself from groaning.

“You’re a traitor, Charlie,” he accuses as he makes his presence known. “And you!” He points accusingly at Cas. “I told you my LARPing life is off limits.”

Cas smiles repentantly.

“But Dean, the idea of you in medieval clothes...” He winks and Dean smiles in response automatically. “I don’t know why you’re embarrassed.”

“Because...” Dean frowns. Cas chuckles and takes his hand, bringing it to his lips. His eyes hold Dean’s as he kisses his knuckles gently. Charlie is watching them. She looks positively ecstatic. Dean supposes she’s never seen him with somebody who wasn’t just a fuck buddy before.

“Exactly. If it makes you feel better, though, I’ve come to let you in on my secret life.” Cas drops Dean’s hand. “After breakfast though. Your roommate makes great pancakes.”

Charlie beams and leans over to peck Cas on the cheek.

“I like him, Dean,” she chirps. “You can keep him.”

“Well, thank you.” Dean rolls his eyes as he takes his seat and helps himself to pancakes and a cup of coffee.

“ _You_ never compliment my cooking,” Charlie responds.

“He’s just being polite. You’re actually a terrible cook.”

Charlie feigns a wounded expression and turns to Cas. “I hope you don’t let him talk to you like that.”

Dean scoffs and Cas grins.

“Sometimes I do, to give him the illusion that he’s in charge... then I make sure I shatter that illusion by tying him to my bed,” Cas quips. Charlie laughs and grins.

“Okay, I _really_ like him. He’s staying,” she informs Dean as his cheeks flame in embarrassment. It’s not as though he and Charlie haven’t discussed their proclivities when it comes to kinks but it’s still a shock to have Cas casually throw it out over breakfast the first time he’s meeting Dean’s best friend.

Cas is looking at Dean, chewing his bottom lip, looking worried.

“Was that too much?” he whispers when Charlie disappears into the kitchen for orange juice. Dean leans over and kisses the corner of his mouth, letting his lips linger for a moment before straightening in his seat and shaking his head a little.

“Just surprised me,” he shrugs. Cas smiles and reaches over, trailing his fingers over Dean’s bicep.

“When you’re done eating can we go to your room? I have something to show you.” He looks worried and uncertain. Dean feels a little unbalanced at the change. He’s usually the uncertain one when it comes to this relationship but he realises he needs to take the reins sometimes so he catches Cas’s hand and entwines their fingers.

“Sure. Is this about why you couldn’t see me last night?”

Cas winces. “Yes...”

Dean nods, feeling the same stirrings of anger and hurt at being lied to but he holds them back. He finishes breakfast and leads Cas to his room, Charlie watches them go with a worried look. Dean watches, nervously wringing his hands, as Cas wanders slowly around his room, taking in Dean’s possessions (and the hastily created pile of clothes that had been lying around the floor earlier). Dean hates the moments when he’s reminded of the gaping leap between their social statuses and seeing Cas in his small room in his small apartment definitely counts.

“So...”

Cas freezes at the sound of Dean’s voice and turns to look at him slowly. He looks guilty, slightly ashamed.

“You lied to me,” Dean tries. “Why?”

Cas hesitates. “It’s... Here.” He reaches into his trench coat pocket and withdraws a small paperback book. Dean steps over and takes it, looking over the cover curiously.

“ _One Last Kiss_ by Carver Edlund?” Dean raises his eyebrows and turns the book over. “You know... I’m more of a Vonnegut man myself, romance novels aren’t really my thing. I’ve heard of this guy though. He’s got four books that have been number one on the New York Times Bestseller List, right?”

Cas smiles, seeming nervous. “I don’t typically read them either.” He shifts uncomfortably. “I write them. Carver Edlund is my penname. You asked me what my secret passion is when we first met... well, it’s writing. I enjoy my work as a lawyer but there’s something about telling stories that has always held my heart.”

Dean stares at Cas then down at the book, turning it over in his hands. “You... wrote this?”

“Among others. Nobody knows. No, I suppose that’s not true. Balthazar knows I’m published as he’s the one who introduced me to Marv, my publisher, but he doesn’t know what my penname is so he’s unaware of my success. I couldn’t see you last night because I was in a meeting with Marv.”

Dean considers this carefully. He tries to ignore the money implications for now because if Cas is a New York Times bestselling author then he’s even wealthier than Dean had initially believed and that thought is too scary to consider. Right now he focuses on the main point.

Cas is secretly a writer. He hasn’t told very many people but he’s telling Dean now. This does explain all the typing Cas does on his laptop before bed of an evening. And how secretive he is about it.

“If nobody knows-“

“Why am I telling you?” Cas seats himself on the edge of Dean’s bed. He drops his elbows onto his knees and rests his chin on his clasped hands. “I want this relationship – I want _us_ , to be open and honest with each other, Dean. I’ve been here, waiting and expecting you to tell me all the things that make you uncertain around me, that make you insecure with me. And I realised last night, though, that if I wanted you tell me then I needed to have your trust and to do that I should be completely honest with you. This is a part of my life. I want you to be part of it too so therefore you need to know all there is to know about me.”

Dean frowns and looks down at the book so he doesn’t have to meet Cas’s eyes. He understands the meaning behind this gesture and he wants to reciprocate but Charlie is the only person who knows about Dean’s life and even she doesn’t know everything. She doesn’t know why Dean dropped out of school. She doesn’t know about the time Sam needed antibiotics and Dean was forced to upgrade from blowjobs to earn more money and how it hurt so much he cried but his client didn’t stop even though he saw. She doesn’t know about John’s drunken rages, or when he’d turn that rage on Dean – not even Sam knows about those times.

He wants so badly to sit down and tell all of that to somebody. He wants so much for that somebody to be Cas.

But he looks at him now and sees more than ever the differences between their lives. Would he even understand?

Dean takes a breath and nods to show that he understands the meaning. He moves over to Cas, standing between his legs and wrapping his arms around his neck.

“Thank you. I’m still mad about you lying to me,” he murmurs. Cas smiles.

“Okay. Guess I’ll have to make it up to you then,” he muses.

“I thought you were going to break up with me,” Dean admits quietly. Cas sighs and brings Dean’s face down so they can rest their foreheads together.

“Of course not. I want this to work, Dean. I want you around for a long time.”

That should reassure him, Dean thinks, but it only scares him more. He doesn’t want these promises made and then see them broken when Cas finds out what kind of person he’s saddled himself with.

He doesn’t say any of that though. He pulls Cas into a kiss and pushes the trench coat from his shoulders followed by his suit jacket. Cas smiles into the kiss before nipping at Dean’s lips and gripping his hips. Dean lets out a shuddering breath and tips his head back when Cas’s mouth travels from his lips to his jaw, pressing open mouthed kisses and nibbling gently. He assists Cas in undressing him by removing his shirt while Cas pushes his sweatpants and briefs down from his hips. Dean climbs onto the bed behind Cas while he stands and quickly undresses. Soon they’re entwined on the bed, Cas’s hands burning everywhere on Dean while he kisses his way down Cas’s throat and chest.

One of Cas’s hands sweeps down Dean’s back, fingers teasing between the globes of his ass. Dean squirms out of his arms and reaches over to the bedside table to retrieve lube and a condom. Cas smirks when Dean settles against his chest, holding the items in one hand, to kiss him deeply, tongue curling with Cas’s filthily.

“You’re always so eager,” Cas chuckles. “I love it.”

Dean blushes but grins into the next kiss. He drops the bottle and foil packet on the bed and moves to flop onto his stomach. Cas catches his waist and turns him onto his back. Dean frowns up at his boyfriend and moves to roll over but Cas’s hands hold him in place. Dean laughs uncertainly, some of the heat receding from his body.

“Cas,” he warns and moves to roll again but Cas’s expression loses some of its warmth as he holds him in place. Dean wriggles unhappily.

“Dean, stop,” Cas mumbles.

“No. Come on, don’t you wanna...?” Dean half rolls and Cas shoves him back down, hands pinning his wrists in place and straddling Dean’s hips to keep him down.

A cold splash of fear kills Dean’s arousal and he glares up at the older man.

“What the fuck?” he grumbles and struggles against his hold.

“I don’t want to do it like that anymore,” Cas informs him.

“Well, I don’t want to do it like this!” Dean snaps.

“Why not?”

Cas sounds angry and another trickle of fear slides down Dean’s spine.

“Get the fuck off me!” Dean protests.

“You can’t keep doing this! You have to talk to me!”

It feels hard to breathe and Dean renews his struggles. “Get. Off.”

Something must show on his face and in the way he pushes at Cas’s hold because suddenly he looks horrified and scrambles away from him and off the bed, staring at his own hands in shock.

“Dean...” He looks up with wide eyes. “I’m... Dean, I’m sorry.”

Dean glares and grabs the comforter to pull around himself protectively. The action makes Cas wince and he looks around helplessly.

“I’m so sorry... I didn’t...” He looks upset and fearful and Dean deflates slightly.

“Can you just go?” he whispers.

Anger flares in Cas’s expression again. He still looks guilty and his hands shake as he dresses but he slams the door when he leaves and Dean flinches. The book Cas brought ended up on the floor with their clothes and Dean glowers at it as the shock wears off and he starts trembling.

He’s not entirely sure what just happened but it wasn’t good. He knows he should feel angry but mostly he just feels cold. They were just supposed to be making up from the recent distance but instead things ended up worse. He can’t really believe that he was frightened of Cas, even for a moment, but the older man had pinned him down and that felt too close to some of his appointments with clients in the past and he never wanted to associate Cas with those men. He should be angry at Cas for that, for not listening when he said stop, and he is but he’s also empty because he told Cas to go and the older man didn’t even try to fight him on it. He just walked out.

He hears a soft knock at the door and Charlie pokes her head in.

“Cas looked... wrecked,” she murmurs. “And not in a good way.”

Dean shrugs one shoulder and Charlie disappears. Dean lets out a breath but she comes back several minutes later with steaming mugs and climbs onto Dean’s bed with him.

“You realise I’m not wearing anything, right?” he grumbles as he accepts the mug. He takes a sip and is pleasantly surprised by hot chocolate rather than coffee or tea.

“I figured.” She eyes the condom packet before flicking it away and nudging the bottle of lube off the bed with her foot. “You didn’t even get to the fun stuff...”

Dean’s eyes fall shut and he takes a shuddering breath.

“Talk to me, Dean.”

“I’d rather not,” he mumbles and takes another sip of cocoa. Charlie looks vaguely disapproving. “I don’t even know what just happened.”

“Well... start from the beginning,” she suggests.

“He came to try and make up for being distant...” Dean frowns. “And we just made things worse.”

Charlie blows into her mug as she looks thoughtful. “You seem angry. What did he do?”

Dean hesitates. He and Charlie have talked about sex before. She knows about a few of Dean’s weird hang ups.

“Cas wanted to face each other,” Dean explains. “I don’t like that... he knows that... he pushed the issue... forcefully...”

A shadow passes over Charlie’s face and she turns her gaze to the wall.

“If he comes back-“

“I told him to go. He realised pretty quickly what he was doing. He said he was sorry.”

“That’s hardly an excuse. When somebody says no then it’s no, no matter what you want. And I mean if he knows that you don’t like it then there’s no excuse.”

“Well...” Dean stares down at his mug when he feels Charlie’s eyes on him. “I’ve never really explained _why_ so all he knows is that I prefer not to face him. I guess he doesn’t really like never looking at me.”

Charlie grumbles slightly. “Okay, that doesn’t excuse what he did. But don’t you think explaining that it’s actually something that bothers you would have prevented this?”

Dean doesn’t respond.

“Have you told him _anything_?” Charlie wonders. Dean shakes his head slowly. “Dean-“

“I _can’t_ , Charlie. I just can’t. He’ll walk away.”

“Oh, honey.” Charlie shifts over and wraps an arm around his shoulders. She kisses his temple gently. “You don’t know that. I get that this is hard for you. It took you years to open up to me but... Cas seems good and he’s good for you. You’re so relaxed and happy. I’ve never seen you like this except for those few weeks Sam has stayed with us. I think you need to take a chance here. If he can’t handle it then he’s not worth it but what if he takes it well? What if he wraps his arms around you and tells you that he’s not going anywhere?”

Dean has tried considering that option but getting his hopes up for things to go that way could just make it all worse.

When he doesn’t respond Charlie kisses him again and sighs.

“You put some clothes on while I go and put on the extended _Fellowship of the Ring_. We’ll marathon the trilogy. You sleep on it. If he’s as good a man as I think then he’ll call you before too long,” she murmurs.

“He’s angry with me.”

“Even if he’s angry. He’ll call.”

She sounds confident and it warms Dean a little. He smiles as she leaves him in bed and goes out to the living room to prepare for their marathon. Dean hopes they have ice cream in the freezer. He feels like indulging in a chick flick with Charlie because he knows that she won’t ever breathe a word to anybody. Even if he loses Cas over this, Charlie will be there to help him back up and that makes it easier to get out of bed and redress.


	11. Family are supposed to love you and tell you when you're an idiot

Charlie’s right about Cas calling. On Sunday morning Dean wakes up on the couch to his phone buzzing. It stops as he rubs his eyes and pushes the blanket wrapped around his form away. He and Charlie didn’t stop with a _Lord of the Rings_ marathon, they continued on to a _Star Wars_ one and finished with _Indiana Jones_ because Dean was in dire need of a Harrison Ford fix. The menu screen for _Temple of Doom_ is on the TV, muted and Charlie is dozing on the other end of their large corner lounge set. She’s wrapped in a TARDIS blanket and hugging a throw pillow. Dean looks at the scattered take out containers and chip packets and smiles slightly until he remembers the reason behind their movie binge.

He looks at his phone where it’s started buzzing again on the floor beside the couch. Cas’s name and photo are flashing on the screen and Dean scowls and hits decline. He spent yesterday becoming increasingly moody the more he thought about their altercation in the morning. He’s not ready to speak to Cas. He knows when he does he deserves an apology and weeks of grovelling but he also owes his boyfriend an explanation. He needs to prep himself for that conversation. He can’t tell him everything yet but he deserves at least an explanation for why Dean is always holding back in their relationship.

He’s missed six calls from Cas and he turns his phone off so that he doesn’t have to decline any more. Hopefully Cas will take the hint and give him some space.

But that doesn’t feel like enough. He’s itching under his skin and he feels trapped. The idea of going back into his room – where their fight took place – makes him feel ill. He needs to get out, to go away for a little while.

He goes into his room, refusing to look at the messed up bed and packs a quick bag. He scribbles a note and leaves it by Charlie’s head before heading out to Baby. He throws his bag into the back seat of the Impala and slides in behind the wheel. As soon as his hands are on her he feels more settled. This is just what he needs.

He switches his phone back on only to call Benny and leave him a short voicemail asking him to take care of the shop for the week. He’ll come back on Friday so that he can work his Saturday and give Benny a full weekend but right now he’s going to drive and he’s going to get out, just for a little while.

He stops for lunch when his stomach starts growling several hours into the drive. He didn’t have breakfast so he ends up putting down two burgers, a generous helping of fries and a slice of pie before he continues on. He doesn’t stop driving again until he reaches his intended destination at around five in the evening. He drives through the junkyard to park out back of the old, wooden house he spent the last years of his adolescence in. The auto shop is over the other side of the junk yard and he thinks Bobby might let him work there during the week. The mindless task of oil changes and tyre rotations will keep his mind off less than comforting thoughts.

Bobby’s out on the porch before Dean has even turned off the engine and he’s grinning but Dean can see concern on his face.

“Hey Bobby!” he calls as he climbs out, reaching around the back for his bag.

“What are you doing here, son?” Bobby asks when Dean moves closer.

“I... I needed some time out,” Dean replies with a shrug. Bobby scans his face and then sighs.

“Well come on in, there’s a beer with your name on it in the fridge.” He pulls Dean into a hug, patting his back a couple of times before releasing him and taking him inside. The house smells familiar and comforting to Dean and some pit of tension unwinds in his gut. He drops his bag upstairs in his old room before joining Bobby in the kitchen

A cold beer is dropped in front of him when he sits at the table and Bobby sets about making them a couple of BLTs while they drink in relative quiet. It’s not until they’ve each eaten their sandwiches and are on their second beers that Bobby leans forward to rest his elbows on the table.

“I called Sam while you were upstairs,” he comments. Dean eyes Bobby unhappily.

“Why did you do that?” he sighs.

“To let him know where you are. He didn’t seem to know anything was wrong. So tell me, kid, what sent you all the way up here and how long exactly do you plan on staying?”

“Until Friday. I don’t want Benny to lose two weekends in a row,” Dean replies, eyes on his bottle where he’s slowly picking at the label. “And like I said, I just needed some time out.”

“From what? You love your job. Your roommate is great from what I remember. And Sam isn’t around for you two idjits to drive each other up the wall the way you did as kids. So what or who pissed in your cornflakes?”

“You know, I hate that statement. It’s disgusting.”

“You know, I hate when you deflect.”

Dean glances up. Bobby looks patient in that gruff way of his that kicked Dean’s ass into gear when they came to live with him when he was seventeen.

“There’s this person... that I’ve been seeing.”

“Person?” Bobby folds his arms and raises his eyebrows.

“A man person...” Dean winces and glances at him again.

“Son, you really think I didn’t figure out you were queer years ago? I ain’t your daddy who refuses to see anything about you and I ain’t Sam who for all his brainpower is the most oblivious kid I ever met.” Bobby smiles softly. “I’m not about to kick you out of the house. Go on, tell me about this man friend of yours.”

Something settles in Dean and he spills the beans about he and Cas, all the way to what happened between them yesterday. Bobby of course knows half of what Dean is keeping from Cas but he doesn’t know the rest. He’s sure he would have been chewed out tremendously if Bobby ever found out what he was doing to make money as a kid. Then he’s pretty sure Bobby would have killed John for putting his sons in a position where Dean felt that’s what he had to do.

Bobby listens without interrupting which Dean appreciates immensely.

“So, you’re getting away from Cas, then?” Bobby clarifies.

“Sort of. I’m getting away from the mess we made. I’m going to fix it I just...”

“Need some space. Son, I don’t have to tell you that ignoring problems doesn’t make them go away,” Bobby tries and Dean nods in response. When he doesn’t say anything Bobby groans. “Right, well if you’re going to hide out here then you’re going to pull your weight. We open at six tomorrow, I want you under the hood of the Toyota Corolla in need of a new battery by the time I’m done with the morning paper work.”

Dean grins. “Starting at six is a reward not a punishment, Bobby. I have to be at the shop before six most mornings.”

Bobby rolls his eyes. “Go get me another beer, boy.”

Before Dean goes to bed that night he switches on his phone and finds that Cas tried to call him once every hour since he left this morning. On the last call, fifteen minutes ago, he left a voicemail. Dean hesitates but decides to listen to it. He doesn’t want to break up with Cas, he just wants some space to put his thoughts in order before he goes to speak with the man. Listening to this might help.

“Dean...” There’s a long pause. “I... I don’t really understand what’s going on with you. I get why you’re ignoring me and you have every right but... Charlie says you’ve gone to stay with a friend for a while and I don’t know what to think. I’m sorry Dean. Please, come home. We can talk about this. We can work it out. I’ll stop pushing, I swear. But don’t shut me out. Don’t let my stupid mistake be the end. Okay... uh... I miss you. Come home.”

Dean’s heart swells with a small amount of warmth. Cas sounds guilty as hell and frustrated. Dean can understand why. He can still feel that flame of anger at the way Cas treated him but it’s slowly fizzling out. He still wants grovelling and maybe some foot rubs and definitely pie, but he knows Cas never intended to put him in that position. It’s not like the men who used Dean’s body in the past. Cas would never hurt him that way. He’s not sure where he gets the ability to be so sure of that.

He falls asleep with his phone cradled close to his face, studying one of his photos of Cas and missing him keenly.

He’s up bright and early the next morning and sets to work on the Toyota so that he’s finishing up by the time most of the other workers make it in.

“Dean!”

He barely has time to look up before a pair of wiry arms are wrapped tightly around him in a firm hug.

“Garth,” he wheezes. “Good to see you too.”

“When did you get here?” Garth asks, stepping back and beaming up at Dean. Garth Fitzgerald IV has been working at Bobby’s shop for years. Dean met him when he was a kid and had always been concerned about Garth getting crushed under car one day he was so accident prone. When he moves away from Dean and stumbles over his tool box he realises that much hasn’t changed. He has no idea how Garth hasn’t been killed in a freak accident but he’s a good guy and though he’s more touchy feely than Dean appreciates, he has a way of making those around him smile.

“Yesterday. I’ll be heading off on Friday so don’t think this means you can slack off,” Dean informs him. Garth laughs and grins.

“It’s good to have you here again!” he trills before wandering off to punch on.

That night he goes to have drinks with Bobby’s crew and when he gets home he finds another voicemail left by Cas. He listens to his boyfriend chat pleasantly about his day, finishing with another plea for Dean to come home. He replays it several times and falls asleep to the rough gravel of Cas’s voice.

The next three days follow the same pattern and by the time Dean is dumping his duffle in Baby’s backseat on Friday morning he feels more relaxed and he’s almost anxious to see Cas. He knows they have to talk and that Dean has to open up in a way he hasn’t for a long time but he doesn’t mind; he just wants to fall asleep in Cas’s arms tonight.

“You make sure your man treats you right,” Bobby informs him gruffly as Dean closes the back seat. Dean half smiles and shuffles self consciously. “I’ve got shotguns in the house if he doesn’t.”

“Bobby, come on. I’m twenty four, you really want to do the _shovel speech_ as if I’m some virginal girl?” he demands.

“Aw, Dean,” Bobby chuckles, gripping his shoulder, “you know you’re my precious princess.”

Dean flushes and glares. “Watch it, old man.”

Bobby laughs and gives him a firm hug before stepping back. “Drive safe. And call your brother, he’s worrying about you.”

Dean nods and gets into the car. He waves and pulls away, beeping the horn as he passes the shop and waving when the guys peer out the open door. Then he’s on his way. He only stops twice: once for lunch and once more for gas. And it’s mid afternoon when he makes it into Kansas City. He doesn’t want to wait at Cas’s apartment, wringing his hands. He wants to see him now before he has time to talk himself out of his sharing mood. So he parks in his usual place at Cas’s apartment building and walks to the NNA offices. He knows which level Cas’s office is on so he casually strolls through the foyer to the elevator without making eye contact with the ladies working the front desk. They don’t try to stop him so he relaxes until he makes it to Cas’s office. His secretary is on the phone and she glances at him and holds up a finger.

“Mr Novak will be busy that day but I can pencil you in for the following morning?” she informs the person on the other end of the line. She presses her lips together in a tight line as she listens to their response. “My apologies ma’am but you shouldn’t have cancelled your scheduled appointment. The earliest I can reschedule for you is in two weeks.” She pauses again and smiles without warmth. “Thank you. Have a lovely day.”

She hangs up the phone and turns to her computer.

Dean raises his eyebrows and folds his arms, impatient. He leans over to attempt to peer into the office when the woman clears her throat.

“Can I help you, sir?” she asks.

“Is Cas in?” Dean wonders, looking down at her.

She raises her eyebrows and looks him up and down. Dean feels suddenly self conscious about his worn jeans and plaid shirt over an old band tee he’d thrown on to drive in that morning. He should have considered his appearance stepping into this building. Cas has never cared about his clothes so it never occurred to him that the other people in Cas’s world would.

“Do you have an appointment?” she sounds doubtful.

“No, I-“

“Look, sir, Mr Novak is a very busy man. He doesn’t have time to deal with walk-ins. If you need representation from the company, you can call-“ She’s leaning over to retrieve a business card when Dean leans on her desk and she starts. Dean’s had enough of her dismissive attitude.

“ _Mr Novak_ may be a busy man but _Mr Novak_ is also my boyfriend. He’ll want to see me.”

“Move back. Or I’ll call security.” She meets his steely gaze with one of her own.

“Tell him I’m here.”

“I’m calling security.”

“Dean?”

Dean and the secretary both look over towards the light, feminine voice and Dean is surprised to see Anna clutching a folder and staring at him with obvious concern.

“Anna, I’m-“

“Mrs Milton, this man-“

“Yes, it’s quite alright Hannah, we’ve been expecting Mr Winchester,” Anna informs her coolly with a dismissive look before smiling at Dean. “Come with me, Dean. We’ll go to my office. Hannah, please tell Castiel to come to my office after his meeting.”

“But Mrs Milton, his schedule-“

“Is not nearly as important as his younger sister,” Anna snaps, striding over and taking Dean’s arm. “Tell him to come to my office. And I’ll thank you to treat Mr Winchester with more respect the next time you see him.”

She tugs Dean along with her and he shoots Hannah a smug grin over his shoulder before allowing the youngest Novak sibling to tow him to the elevator and down several floors to her own office.

“I’m so sorry about her,” she sighs, sitting behind her desk and gesturing for Dean to take the seat in front. “She’s ridiculously devoted to my brother and ridiculously rude to everybody else.”

Dean shrugs. “I won’t say it’s fine but thanks for stepping in. She was about to call security.”

Anna laughs. “Only you, Dean.” She sobers up then and peers across at him with a frown. “So, are you here to clear things up with Cas or break up with him?”

Dean blinks. “What has he-“

“Told me? Not much. He came over with a bottle of vodka on Sunday night though and when he was drunk enough explained how he was sure he’d screwed everything up and you were never coming back. I checked with your roommate though and she said you would definitely come home in a few days. My brother’s a bit of a drama queen sometimes.”

Dean’s surprised into a soft smile. “He was that cut up about it?”

Anna tilts her head from side to side. “There was a bit of ranting and raving about how he sometimes thought he was the only one invested in the relationship.” Ouch. Dean feels that blow in his gut and he looks away from Anna. “Dean, what did I just tell you? He’s a bit of a drama queen. Especially when he’s been drinking. I think you two just have a few communication issues. Also... he did explain _why_ he thought he’d chased you away for good. I wanted to smack him but he was drunk and I thought that might be poor form.”

Dean winces. “I’m not...” He glances at Anna who’s watching him sadly. “I’m not here to break up with him. I... couldn’t do that.”

She looks relieved. “Would you like some coffee while you wait for him?”

“Uh... no thanks.” They fall into an awkward silence for a moment. “So... how was the honeymoon?”

She perks up immediately and starts telling him about all the places they went and how great it was to get away from the office for a couple of weeks. She even brings out her laptop to show Dean photos and they’re in the middle of the photos from their skiing weekend in Canada when there’s a knock at the door and they both look up.

Dean’s heart leaps when he sees Cas leaning in the doorway looking ridiculously attractive in his business wear, eyes on Dean. He looks hesitant but mostly those eyes are smouldering into Dean’s and he barely hears Anna excuse herself as she leaves them alone. Cas closes the office door and leans against it.

“Charlie said you were in South Dakota,” is his opening line.

“My Uncle Bobby lives in Souix Falls,” Dean replies because it’s easier than jumping right into the heavy stuff. He stands up and stuffs his hands in his pockets so he doesn’t do something embarrassing and needy – like reach out for Cas. “It was a good break. I got my head sorted.”

“That’s... good.” Cas nods to himself.

Neither of them speaks for a few moments. Dean watches as Cas stares at his hands and then he groans causing the older man to look up at him.

“This is ridiculous. Can we just talk about this already?”

Cas tilts his head. “What are we going to talk about first? What I did to you? Or why you’re always pushing me away?”

He doesn’t sound angry anymore or even frustrated. Dean knows it’s a genuine question.

“Either. Just... come over here. Sit down. You’re making me nervous, man.”

Cas approaches him and drops into one of the seats and Dean takes the other one, turning it so their knees are brushing and the contact soothes him.

“Just so you know, I’m still a little pissed at you,” Dean says quietly. Cas tenses and Dean reaches a hand over and squeezes his knee gently. “But I missed you.”

There’s a quiet sigh and Dean looks up to find Cas watching him with sad eyes. “I missed you too. I thought... after what I did... Dean, I am so sorry. I will do anything to make it up to you, I promise.”

“I know you will. Because I know you’d never actually do that to me.” And he does, strangely enough. He’s starting to trust in this, in this relationship and in Cas. That scares him more than when he didn’t trust it because what happens now if it does end? What will he have then? “And I’m going to cash in on that whenever I can.”

“Of course you are.”

“Breakfast in bed. Foot rubs. More baths involving pie. But first we gotta talk.”

Cas hums in response but doesn’t say anything because this is Dean’s turn to open up. Cas has told him plenty of personal things, shared secrets with him and Dean has given him scraps in return. He doesn’t really know how to start.

“You remember I told you that I’d never done the relationship thing before?” He looks up and Cas nods so he continues, trying to spill it before he clams up again. “That’s mostly because of the way I was raised. My mum died when I was four, in a house fire. It was in the middle of the night and I was woken up by Dad yelling and then he shoved Sam into my arms and told me to run outside. Mum was trapped in Sam’s nursery, she couldn’t get out. The fire department investigated and said it was faulty wiring that started the fire but my dad was convinced somebody had set it. He needed to blame something so he made up a person in his head and then one day, in the middle of the night, he bundled me and Sam into the car and drove off. He was chasing “leads” all over the country. And that’s how we spent the next eleven years. We moved towns every couple of weeks and lived out of hotel rooms. Dad would drop us somewhere, enrol us in school and leave us a bit of money before taking off to follow his delusions.”

Dean sighs and stares down at his knees. Cas took his hands sometime but he barely noticed until now that he’s rubbing soothing circles into his palms.

“I spent years living like that, Cas. Trusting nobody and doing everything I could to take care of Sam. I was his big brother and I had to play the role of mother and father at the same time. He was the only person I knew and trusted – Dad was never around except to yell at me and order me to look after Sammy. When he was around he was usually drunk. That was how we met Bobby, funnily enough. We were in Souix Falls for a couple of weeks and Dad must have gotten pissed at the local bar before this man brings him back to the hotel room and introduces himself as Bobby Singer. I was nine at the time. He was worried about Dad’s mental state so he stayed in contact with us when we left and whenever we were up north Dad would leave us with Bobby instead of at a hotel and that was good.”

“That’s why you went to stay with him this week?” Cas interrupts for the first time. Dean looks up at him with a frown. “His home was a safe place during your childhood. It was your first constant.”

“Yeah, I guess it was. Bobby taught me and Sam how to play baseball. He taught me how to fix an engine or rotate tyres. He took us hunting even though we were hopeless. Staying with Bobby are the only times I can remember having fun. With Dad it was always him training us in hand to hand combat or weapons use. He was a Marine and he was convinced that the person he invented who set the fire would be back for Sam so I had to know how to protect him.” Dean scowled. He was glossing over some of the harsher times – the first time Dad hit him; running out of money and the things Dean did, the things he let other men do to him, to keep Sam fed; the last time John hit him – but Cas was getting the general idea about his life. “I was sixteen when he finally started to wake up but it wasn’t until the next year, when I dropped out of school and he realised what a mess our lives were that he dropped us with Bobby permanently. I’m still not sure where he went but we didn’t hear from him for months, almost year. I’d already moved down here to Kansas City to sign the ownership papers of the shop and start classes at the Community College so I could learn how to run a business. I still don’t hear from him very often, only when he needs money.”

“What?” Cas’s voice is quiet but Dean can hear the shock and anger underneath. The way he’s squeezing Dean’s hands is also a pretty good indication of the fact that this story is upsetting him. “Your father asks you for money. How often? How much? You don’t give it to him, do you?”

Dean looks up at Cas with narrowed eyes. “He’s my father.”

“And he’s a grown man. Dean... I can’t...” Cas’s eyes a shut tightly. “How could anybody inflict that life on their children?”

Dean shudders because Cas doesn’t even know the worst of it.

“He tried, he really did, it was just a shitty situation.”

“He didn’t _try_.” Cas catches sight of Dean’s expression and he takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “This is not the point. Your life wasn’t really conducive to cultivating relationships.”

“Charlie was the first ever friend I made. She answered my ad looking for a roommate,” Dean shrugs. “I’ve tried to have relationships before but...” But he needed money and only knew one way to get it. Almost everyone at college knew what he was. Nobody wants to date a hooker. “They always fell apart before they started. I don’t know how to do this. I keep thinking I’ll mess up and it’ll be over.”

“So you pull away from me to keep from being hurt?” Cas sounds sad again. “Dean, I want this, I want _you_. I will always try my best not to hurt you.”

Dean lifts one shoulder and drops it helplessly. He knows that but he can’t keep from shying away every time Cas tries to draw him in deeper. He’s already in too deep, the idea of losing Cas is terrifying.

“Look, that’s not the whole reason behind why I can’t face you when we fuck. That’s an even longer story and I’m not... I can’t...” He shakes his head, feeling tears burning behind his eyes. Cas has taken all of this pretty well but to know entirely how far beneath him Dean is? That could be too much. “It’s already bad enough that your employees know I’m not good enough for you. If I told you everything...”

Cas suddenly tugs on Dean’s arms, hard, until he tumbles into his lap. They take a few moments to rearrange themselves on the too small chair but then Cas’s face is pressed into Dean’s hair and he’s holding him tightly.

“I don’t _ever_ want you to say or think that again,” he says firmly, his voice shaking with barely restrained anger. “You are everything I’ve ever wanted Dean Winchester. Your past, your current circumstances, none of it changes that. The differences in our lives simply highlight for me how incredible you are, how strong and good you are. You are not inferior to me in any way. You’ve told me enough for now. I don’t want you to feel like you have to keep anything from me but I understand it might be too much to ask for you to keep going.”

Dean nods and turns his head to kiss his throat, closing his eyes and soaking up the warmth from his boyfriend’s embrace.

“Thank you,” Cas whispers. “For trusting me.”

Dean wraps his arms around the older man’s shoulders and squeezes.

“I do,” he replies softly. “I do.”

They stay like that for some time until Cas has to attend to the rest of his day. He gives Dean the key to his apartment and Dean leaves the office building feeling lighter. They’ve still got a lot of work to do but he feels optimistic that they can manage it. The idea makes him feel jittery in a way he hasn’t since he first signed the papers for the shop. That was the first time in his life he had something to call his own. Now he has Cas, too. Cas is his person and maybe, just maybe, he’ll get to keep him.


	12. Vacation: sex, food, sex, sightseeing, oh and sex of course

Each night that week Dean brings home petunias of different colours for Cas who accepts them with an amused smile. Every time he asks what they mean and Dean flushes and doesn’t respond. On Wednesday night though Cas also brings something home for Dean. He drops an envelope in his lap and Dean looks down at it curiously.

“What’s this?” he wonders.

“Anna won the office raffle and she gave the prize to me,” Cas shrugs. “She seemed to think we could use it more than she and Inias considering they recently came home from a long holiday.”

Dean looks up at Cas as he joins him on the couch, putting an arm around Dean’s shoulders and tugging him against his side.

“So, it’s a holiday?” he wonders. “To where?”

“That’s a surprise but I think you might like it,” Cas replies. “It’s a small town though, up on Lake Michigan. I’ll be able to get some writing done and we both need to relax.”

Dean frowns. “When is it?”

“This weekend. I have the day off on Friday so we can drive up and have the entire weekend then drive home on Memorial Day.”

“Work-“

“I already called your friend Benny. He’s more than happy to cover for you though he claims you really owe him now.” Cas chuckles. He presses his lips to Dean’s temple before slowly moving them down to trace his tongue over the shell of his ear causing Dean to shudder at the feeling. “Please, Dean. Say yes.”

“You’re cheating,” Dean complains.

“Come on a holiday with me. That’s an important relationship milestone you know.”

“Cas-“

“ _Please_.” He nibbles on Dean’s ear lobe before sucking at the spot behind it that makes Dean’s knees weak. Thankfully he’s sitting down and he only melts into Cas’s side. “I can make it worth your while.”

The following coercive blow job would have had Dean agreeing to anything just so he could come but it only results in them loading Baby up with their bags incredibly early on Friday morning to head off on their small vacation.

Cas is looking in the glove compartment for the packet of mints Dean had stashed in there when he makes a strange noise.

“What?” Dean wonders.

“Are you... are you reading my books?” Cas asks. Dean glances over and sees that he’s holding a copy of one of the books Dean went out and bought on his lunch break the other day. He blushes and looks back at the road. “I thought you didn’t like romance novels.”

“You’re a good writer,” Dean responds roughly. “And besides, that’s one of your sci fis that didn’t sell as well as the others. The guy at the book store showed them to me.”

Cas is beaming as he looks down at the cover. “You’re reading my books.”

Dean shakes his head slightly but can’t help the smile that creeps onto his face at Cas’s awed whisper. He flicks on a cassette and is grateful they left early enough that they aren’t stuck in traffic. He feels like this would be a bad time for them to be stuck in a car and growing increasingly frustrated. Things are still a little tense and awkward sometimes and they don’t need things to implode in such a small space.

They drive for four hours until they reach Springfield where Cas suggests they stop for breakfast since the only thing either of them have consumed since they woke up is coffee. Dean finds somewhere to top up his gas before they head across the road to a diner. After pancakes and coffee they leave with more coffee in take away cups and get back on the road.

Cas finally tells him the name of the town they’re going to so Dean can find the right interstates as they head out of Springfield.

“Once we get there I’ll direct you, I’m not telling you the name of the place,” Cas informs him. Dean shakes his head with a smile.

“Why is it a surprise?” he wonders.

“I’ve been wanting to stay at this place for a while. I _want_ it to be a surprise.”

Dean shakes his head again but lets Cas have his way.

When he told Charlie, Sam, Benny, Ellen and Jo that he was going away with Cas they all told him the same thing. They told him that the first holiday as a couple is often a test. They could end up bickering the entire time and everything would fall apart or they would find a balance and harmony with each other in close quarters. They are only five hours into their trip but so far they seem to be more relaxed around each other than they have been all week.

Dean has been growing increasingly frustrated as Cas treats him with kid gloves. It seems he still hasn’t forgiven himself for what he believes was forcing himself on Dean even though Dean repeatedly told him that it is okay now, they both do stupid things when they’re angry. He’s determined to change that situation over this weekend. He’s counting on their holiday being somewhere romantic enough that Cas won’t be able to refuse a seduction attempt. He wants to show Cas that he’s not scared of him and Cas doesn’t have to hate himself.

Dean knows he isn’t one to talk, he’s the king of self-loathing but Cas, while crossing a line, had realised his mistake immediately and was showering Dean with affection and apologies in an attempt to make up for it and didn’t deserve to be castigating himself and thus punishing them both.

There does end up being a bit of bickering when they come across road works and several detours and Dean begins to get irritated with the slow moving traffic. Cas’s attempts to calm him down end with Dean snapping at him and Cas becoming offended. He turns to the window, arms folded tightly against his body and ignores the way Dean growls at another driver cutting him off.

Dean breathes out a sigh of relief when they finally move past the works but the constant stopping, starting and idling has sucked up Baby’s juice faster than usual.

“I need to stop for gas. We should probably get lunch,” Dean suggests. Cas shrugs and doesn’t look at him. Dean rubs his forehead and considers that he might have been a little rude. “It’ll do us good to cool off. New Buffalo is coming up. We could go there?”

“Whatever you want,” Cas replies stiffly.

“Come on, Cas.”

“Nope. My opinion is apparently ‘unnecessary and unwanted thank you very much Cas’.”

Dean winces. “That was out of line.”

“Too right.”

He sounds angry and Dean falls silent and exits the interstate for New Buffalo. He finds a gas station and fills up and the attendant gives him the name of a bar and grille the other side of town. They go there, Cas still not speaking and Dean tries to figure out a way to warm Cas back up to him. He spies his chance when Cas leaves to use the bathroom just before their server arrives. Dean orders for them both. Cas returns and is confused when the server arrives with their drinks but doesn’t take their meal orders.

“I already ordered,” Dean says quietly, plucking at the straw in his coke. Cas raises his eyebrows but doesn’t say anything. Dean hates the tense silence and wants to apologise for being a jerk but a crowded restaurant isn’t the place. The burger that is placed down in front of Cas is his attempt at an apology and he knows it works when Cas releases a happy sound at the first bite of burger.

“This is really good,” he hums when he’s swallowed his mouthful. Dean smiles smugly and tries to hide it by digging into his own burger and fries but from the amused glint in Cas’s eyes he knows that he caught it. The tension diffuses quickly then and after when Cas presses Dean up against the door of the Impala and kisses him deeply for a few long seconds. Dean lets the older man’s tongue plunder his mouth before he pulls away, breath coming heavily.

“I forgive you,” Cas murmurs and Dean grins.

“What do you know? The way to a man’s heart really is through his stomach,” he teases. Cas nips his bottom lip in retaliation and steps back. His lips are curved up in a smile though so Dean knows he’s completely in the clear for his dickish behaviour. “Come on we’ve got a couple more hours of driving yet.”

Cas moves around the car to slide into his seat, seeming much more relaxed. Just over two hours later Dean is taking the exit to Whitehall and Cas is sitting up in his seat. It’s well after four and Dean sure as hell hopes their room is ready. He wants to collapse into a bed.

“You only need to make one turn,” Cas informs Dean. “I’ll tell you when.”

Dean frowns at him but follows the direction and takes the left when he’s told to.

“It’s on the left,” Cas tells him, leaning forward and scanning the buildings. “Ah! Just up there! Pull in there!”

Dean glances at the place as he flicks on his indicator before turning in. He parks in the designated guests and visitors area and kills the engine. Cas is leaning forward to look out the windscreen with an elated smile. Dean follows his gaze to a cottage with a sign that reads _Cocoa Cottage Bed and Breakfast_.

Dean stares at the pretty garden surrounded cottage and turns to Cas.

“A B&B?” he questions. “We’re staying at a B&B?”

“Is that a problem?” Cas is smiling. “I’ve heard this place is incredible.”

“From who?”

“Gabriel. Anna. Both have stayed here. Gabriel and his girlfriend Kali came here once, he enjoyed it for reasons that will become apparent I’m sure, and this is where Anna and Inias came for part of their honeymoon.”

Dean blinks. “I see... So, romantic then?”

“They thought so.”

Dean smiles. It’s so nice when a plan comes together. Then a horrifying thought occurs to him.

“We’re... not staying in the same room they were, though, right? Either of them?”

Cas snorts. “Of course not. Come and help me with the bags.” With that he’s out of the car and Dean is forced to follow. They bring the bags up to the front porch and Cas opens the door to a beautiful foyer. Dean looks around in interest as Cas goes to the desk. The place is just as quaint and cosy inside as it looked outside.

A man and woman appear shortly and greet them enthusiastically.

“I’m Larry and this is my wife, Lisa,” the man greets, holding his hand. “You must be Mr Novak.”

“Castiel,” Cas greeted. “This is Dean.”

Dean returns the man’s handshake and Lisa’s, smiling at them both and trying not be distracted looking around at everything. Dean is beginning to understand why Gabriel must have liked it here so much. Their chocolate theme is in everything from the display of chocolate to the colouring of the furniture and wood panelling.

Larry and Lisa have somebody take their bags upstairs and invite them into a comfortable lounge where a bottle of wine and two glasses are waiting alongside cheese, biscuits and dip, and a second tray bearing what seems to be chocolate cake hollowed out to be filled with chocolate mousse, raspberries and whipped cream. Dean’s stomach growls at the sight. Cas hears and laughs, tugging him down to sit. Dean feels a little self conscious at how closely they’re sitting but Larry and Lisa don’t mind.

Larry pours them wine while Lisa asks about their trip.

“Ten and half hours driving,” Dean answers. “We got out early so traffic wasn’t so bad until after Springfield when everyone was waking up to head off for their weekend.”

“Dean did all the driving,” Cas adds. “He doesn’t trust me with his car. So excuse him if he falls asleep.”

“Oh don’t fall asleep!” Lisa laughs. “I went ahead and made those dinner reservations for you at the Harbour View Grille. You can’t miss that. They do the best jambalaya.”

Dean smiles and gives Cas a look to which he responds by collecting a spoonful of the amazing looking cake and holding it up to Dean. He feels his cheeks heating up as he accepts the food – he’s really not used to doing such intimate things casually around other people. Larry doesn’t respond but Dean can see Lisa lighting up with an adoring smile and he ducks his head to avoid their eyes. Oh dear god though, that is amazing. He looks back up at Cas who winks at him before getting his own bite of the dessert. Dean chases the chocolate and cream down with a sip of fruity wine.

“We’ll make sure you get a relaxing evening after such a long drive,” Larry promises. “Port and some of our handmade chocolates will be waiting for you after dinner.”

“Your reservations are for six,” Lisa adds. “We’re finishing up preparations in your room but you’re welcome to explore the cottage in the mean time.”

“Thank you,” Cas nods before feeding Dean more cake. He wants to protest that he can eat by himself but Cas will just give him that _look_ until he accepts it. He grabs some of the cheese and crackers while Cas is getting more cake.

They sit and talk with Larry and Lisa until all the snacks are gone. Cas finishes his glass of wine and suggests he and Dean wander around the garden before going to dinner. They hold hands and it’s peaceful with no traces of the tension from the last few weeks hovering over them.

“Think you can get any writing done here?” Dean questions, gesturing towards the patio where small tables are set up for breakfasting and a few benches in the garden. Cas glances around and nods thoughtfully.

“Thank you for coming,” he murmurs, leaning over to press his lips against Dean’s cheek. Dean shuffles closer so their sides are pressed together as they walk along slowly.

After such a long day in the car the walk is nice and they decide to walk to the restaurant for dinner as Larry advises them it’s only ten minutes away at a comfortable pace. The restaurant has a deck where they ask to be seated. This far north it isn’t as warm yet but since it’s nearing summer it’s pleasant. The food is good and Dean feels completely relaxed. He hooks his ankle with Cas’s under the table and looks out over the water with a lazy smile as he sips his beer.

“This was a good idea,” he finally sighs once their dinner plates are cleared away. Cas grins and rubs his ankle up Dean’s calf. They decide to forgo dessert and decide to walk along the beach before heading back to the cottage. It’s after eight by the time they get back and Dean feels ridiculously tired but he perks up when they arrive at the Ghirardelli Suite and sees the chocolates adorning their pillows and the complimentary bottle of port on the dresser with yet more chocolates.

Cas moves over to their bags and begins searching for their toiletries while Dean peers into the bathroom and grins at the sight of the large whirlpool tub filled with steaming hot water and bubbling away temptingly.

“Cas!” Dean says. He looks up at the younger man curiously. “Spa bath! Are you going to join me?”

Cas hesitates. Dean rolls his eyes in vague irritation before beginning to strip slowly in the bathroom doorway. He smiles wickedly at Cas who is watching him with rapidly darkening eyes. He licks his lips as Dean shimmies out of his jeans. He teases a finger under the waistband of his boxers.

“Either come and join me and stop being a tease or I’m going to jerk off and finger myself in the bath... _loudly_ ,” Dean informs him firmly before stripping off his underwear and turning around. He sinks into the hot water with a pleased sigh and finds the controls for the jets and turns them up higher. _This_ is a vacation.

He closes his eyes and relaxes, letting the hot water soothe him.

He meant his threat though so after a few minutes of relaxing alone he lets one hand wander slowly down his torso, lingering on sensitive places where Cas usually leaves bite marks. He wraps his hand around his hardening shaft and strokes slowly until he’s fully hard, humming contently.

“You’re impossible.”

Cas’s rough voice makes Dean smile and he lets his head roll back against the tub edge to look at Cas in the doorway. He’s holding two glasses of port and while Dean isn’t a huge fan it sounds very tempting right now. He also has chocolates and Dean releases his dick to make grabby hands for the alcohol and sweets. Cas shakes his head and moves over, placing the food on the edge of the bath before stripping methodically and slipping into the water.

Dean grins and pushes over, straddling Cas’s hips and wrapping his arms around his shoulders. Cas looks up at him with an exasperated smile.

“You’re incorrigible.”

“Impossible... incorrigible... Any other ‘i’ words you want to use for me?” Dean teases as he reaches over for a chocolate and places it in his lips, waggling his eyebrows in invitation.

“Irritating,” Cas chuckles, leaning up and biting half the chocolate off. Dean sucks his half into his mouth and moans at the taste.

“Try again,” he mumbles and grabs another one.

“Impermeable.”

“I feel insulted.” Dean keeps the chocolate for himself this time but Cas yanks him down and kisses him, deep and filthy, his tongue collecting most of the chocolate. He pulls back and Dean swallows, shivering a little at the possessiveness in that kiss and in Cas’s hands on his hips.

“Irresistible,” Cas rasps. Dean smirks.

Trading heated kisses turns messy when they involve yet more chocolate, eating it from each other’s fingers and sharing it through long kisses. They kiss without roaming hands until Dean is a panting, writing mess on Cas’s lap, rolling his hips down on the older man’s erection. Cas is busy sucking a dark bruise into the base of Dean’s throat as he whimpers and clings to him.

“We... bed... now,” Dean manages to pant out, coherent speech lost to him for the time being.

Cas seems to agree because he helps Dean out of the bath before turning back to switch the jets off. Dean hurriedly dries himself but they’re both too eager so he’s still damp when Cas reappears in front of him and hoists him up by his hips. Dean’s legs automatically wrap around Cas and he moans softly as his cock is pressed between their bodies.

“Hi,” he murmurs, carding his fingers through soft, dark hair. Cas meets his gaze with heated eyes, moving back into their room and towards the bed.

“I’ve missed you,” he whispers, pressing a somewhat soft kiss to Dean’s mouth before dropping him on the bed. Cas crawls after Dean as he sprawls back, smiling. He reaches towards Cas.

“I’ve almost forgotten what it feels like to have you inside me.” He gives Cas a heated look. “So come over here.”

Cas hesitates, chewing on his kiss-swollen bottom lip as he eyes Dean’s outstretched hand. Dean’s smiles fades. It’s obvious what Cas is thinking about and he deflates slightly in response.

“Cas... please...”

“You said stop and I didn’t,” Cas says quietly.

Dean rolls onto his knees and shuffles over to Cas. He pulls him in close and rests their foreheads together.

“You can’t just forgive me.”

“Shouldn’t I be the one who gets to decide that?” Dean wonders. He drags his hands slowly down Cas’s sides, squeezing at his hips before dragging them back up to wrap tightly around his shoulders, pressing them together tightly. “I don’t want you pulling away from me physically. I’m not scared of you. I know you won’t hurt me. I want you to touch me like you used to.”

Cas cups Dean’s face in his hands and kisses him, sucking at his upper lip before pulling away.

They hold each other’s gaze for a while.

“I want to try something,” Cas requests. Dean tilts his head, not realising for a moment that he’s unconsciously mimicking Cas. The other man seems to notice this and his gaze softens. “Lie down. On your side.”

Dean frowns but complies. He’s pleasantly surprised when Cas lies down behind him, pressed up against the length of his body. They’ve both lost most of their arousal but some clever mouth work on Dean’s throat and Cas’s arms wrapping tightly around him, deft fingers finding every sensitive spot Dean has soon fixes that problem. Cas doesn’t let him go at first, arms a solid presence around Dean.

“Do you think we can do it like this?” Cas whispers in his ear, splaying his hands on Dean’s chest and stomach. “Do you think if I fuck you like this it will be too much for you?”

Dean whimpers when Cas grinds up against his ass and he pushes back against him. It’s been too long. He just needs this. Now.

“Yes,” Dean gasps and quickly continues before Cas can pull away, “but just because I can feel you everywhere.”

And it’s true. This doesn’t feel like too much. It feels like the perfect place teetering on the border of just enough and too much. He likes feeling close to Cas but this way he can’t see Cas’s eyes. He can’t start questioning the intense emotion that he’s presented with when Cas looks at him. He can deal with this. One day he’ll be able to look Cas in the eyes and accept all of that... _emotion_ he wants to give Dean but for now this is a good compromise. He knows it’s Cas, and not a faceless man paying him, and Cas seems to enjoy being able to hold Dean so closely.

Dean whines when Cas lets him go but he’s back quickly, kissing at Dean’s throat before leaning over him. Dean tilts his head again and they exchange a somewhat awkward kiss. Dean huffs out a laugh but it devolves into a groan when Cas’s hand makes its way down to his ass, teasing him. Cas’s fingers are slick and Dean twists, trying to get them where he needs them.

“You’re so impatient,” Cas chides.

“Again with the ‘i’ words,” Dean grumbles. “If you don’t hurry up and put something in me soon I’m going to be ins- _Cas!_ ”

Dean pushes back against the two fingers that have eased their way inside him, letting his eyes fall shut. Cas is more careful than Dean expected but he melts into Cas’s arms, squirming at the careful preparation and relishing in finally, _finally_ getting what he’s wanted. Cas takes so long preparing him that Dean has lost all trains of thought by the time he finally gets Cas pushing inside him. One of Cas’s hands splays over Dean’s chest, the other wrapping loosely around Dean’s cock, providing yet more teasing stimulation that Dean can’t do anything about.

Dean throws one arm back to clutch at Cas’s hip when he thrusts inside hard, the other covers Cas’s hand on his chest. Dean’s head falls back as Cas sets a steady pace, keeping Dean on edge but not pushing him any further. It’s drawn out but it’s marvellous and when Dean finally gets to come his vision briefly whites out and he doesn’t realise Cas came at the exact same moment until he feels him pull out and shift off the bed.

“No,” Dean grumbles, rolling over to glare after him as he disappears into the bathroom.

“Oh, do you want to go to bed covered in semen?” Cas teases. He reappears and grins at Dean’s disgusted expression. He cleans them both up and then tosses the cloth away. He climbs into bed and Dean winds himself around Cas’s body, clinging tightly and kissing his face everywhere. Cas’s eyes flutter shut and he hums, hands stroking over Dean’s back as he submits to the attention. Dean can’t help the flood of affection in his body. They’ve been emotionally distant for almost the same length of time but the physical distance was wearing on him. He feels so comfortable now, knowing Cas still wants him and that they can work out the sex thing somehow.

They drift off to sleep wrapped tightly together so it’s no wonder that Dean wakes up in the middle of the night when Cas’s arms are no longer around him. He blinks sleepily, confused by the lighting and rolls over to find Cas awake and scribbling away at a notebook in the lamp light. He has those adorable yet sexy glasses perched on his nose, a slight furrow between his eyes as he stops and taps his pen against his bottom lip.

“Did you get a brain wave?” Dean wonders. Cas startles slightly and looks down at him.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbles. He closes the book and places it on the bedside table with his pen and glasses before wriggling down and taking Dean in his arms. Dean nuzzles into his throat sleepily. “Did I wake you?”

“Only ‘cause you weren’t holding me.”

Cas chuckles and Dean lets out a contented sigh before snuggling in closer and falling back asleep.

They wake early in the morning to head down to breakfast. Dean points out that seven thirty is not early for them when Dean is up before four every morning to go to work and Cas usually manages to get out of bed to make him breakfast before disappearing back under the covers for a few more hours by the time Dean is out the door. Seven thirty mornings, especially on Saturdays, are rare treats for Dean.

Lisa is just as warm as the previous evening when she spots them as they enter the dining room.

“How did you find everything?” she asks brightly.

“It was wonderful,” Cas promises.

“I love that tub,” Dean grins with a wink. Lisa rolls her eyes good naturedly.

“Well, right this way gentlemen, we’ve reserved a place on the patio for you and these are our menus.” She hands them their menus and shows them their table. Dean wants to try everything on the page but settles on the quiche, deciding that it has egg and ham and potatoes, that’s all his favourite breakfast foods. Cas gets the cottage eggs. They both let out indecent moans at their first bite.

“This is delicious,” Dean groans.

Cas nods in agreement, eyes closed as he savours his mouthful.

They’re both well rested and happy so Dean decides to bring up something that’s been bothering him.

“So, when do I get to read this book you’ve been so hard at work on?” Dean questions. Cas drops his forkful of eggs and stares across the table at him. “What? I’m not asking to read it now. I know that writers have a... _process_ or whatever and if yours means I can’t read until it’s done then I don’t care. But... I do get to read it right...?”

“Uh...” For some reason Cas is blushing and avoiding Dean’s eyes. “We’ll see... I don’t even know if I’ll scrap it or not yet. Marv is just harping on at me to get something written but I don’t feel as good about this one as I usually do.” He seems incredibly uncomfortable and Dean frowns, confused.

He tilts his head. “Why haven’t you written anything in a while?”

“Until recently I’ve lacked inspiration.” Cas’s cheeks flush pink as he avoids Dean’s eyes. “But several months ago I was confronted with a new muse – one that constantly haunts me.”

His eyes flick to Dean, who slowly smiles.

“Me?”

Cas nods.

“I’m your muse?”

Cas’s blush deepens. Well, Dean thinks, that might explain the intensity with which Cas would watch him when they first met. He’s never inspired somebody before; the thought sets his body tingling pleasantly and he can’t wipe the smile away.

“Don’t look so smug,” Cas grumbles.

“I’m your muse!”

“It’s not a big deal, Dean.” The embarrassment seems to be growing.

“Your muse!”

“You’re still impossible...”

***

They spend the morning exploring Whitehall, examining the quaint shop fronts. Dean finds a delicate dream catcher that he buys for Charlie and a leather bound notebook for Jo. He contemplates leaving sappy poetry or an obnoxious note in the book in the hopes that he can get the girls to stop pretending they don’t want each other (seriously, recently he’s noticed the flirting increase from almost non-existent to particularly obvious). Cas tells him it’s not a good idea... setting them up on a date would work far better. Dean knew that he and Cas were perfect for each other.

After lunch at Pekadill’s diner they rent a small boat and go sailing on the lake. Dean’s never been sailing before and he finds himself laughing and clinging to Cas. The older man watches him with a look of adoration that results in them returning to the cottage rather early to spend the afternoon in bed. There’s slow and lazy sex on the bed and also in the large bath. There’s Dean smearing chocolate all over Cas and licking it up, enjoying the way he writhes under him, begging breathlessly for Dean to do something more than tease him.

They walk to a pizza place for dinner which is followed by more sex and another good night’s sleep.

On Sunday they explore Whitehall and it's neighbouring town more and Dean tries to recall the last time he felt so carefree.

Neither of them talks about work or their remaining relationship problems. They just let themselves be. It’s a weekend of enjoyment and sex and fun and more sex. Dean doesn’t want it to end. He’s sad when they pack up the car on Monday morning to make the drive back home. He leans on the front of the Impala as Cas says a last goodbye to Larry and Lisa on the porch. He gives Dean a curious look when he returns.

Dean slides his fingers into the waistband of Cas’s jeans and draws him in close, kissing him softly. He returns his eyes to the cottage.

“We’ve got to come back, okay?” Dean requests. Cas’s eyes light up.

“You liked it?” he wonders.

“Loved it,” Dean corrects. “And we gotta come back one day.”

Cas smiles and slides his hands up Dean’s chest and over his shoulders to press in closely.

“I promise.”


	13. The past doesn't catch up with you, it swallows you alive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where all the bad tags come in. You have been forewarned.

June’s arrival brings Dean immense joy that seems to entertain Cas.

“Why are you so chipper lately?” he wonders. They’re relaxing in the bath and Dean is pressing kisses to the knuckles of Cas’s hands and he can’t help his smile. He pulls a face at the question however.

“Chipper? You’re in your thirties, not fifties,” he teases.

Cas pokes his side and Dean lets out an undignified squeak.

“Just answer,” Cas prompts.

“Sammy will be coming to visit for a while in a couple of weeks,” Dean explains with a bright grin. Cas smiles back.

“That’s wonderful…” He trails a hand up Dean’s chest and pulls him back firmer against his body. “I suppose that means I should count on seeing you less?”

Dean feels a spike of panic. He hadn’t thought about how Sam’s visit would affect his time with Cas. Sam visits every year at this time, Dean has become so used to it he didn’t even stop to consider how it would be affected by the new additions to his life. The thought of seeing Cas less, even for his brother, seems awful. They’ve been closer since their time away together and Dean is so very close to feeling ready to talk to Cas about his past - and everything in it - so he’s been feeling a little dependent lately. He doesn’t want to go for extended periods of time without seeing him.

Cas senses the change in his mood.

“Of course I look forward to finally meeting Sam and I think perhaps he might enjoy not sleeping on the couch at your apartment so you would still spend nights here if you wanted to. I won’t even resent being woken in the early morning when you return from nights out with him,” Cas smoothly considers as though it was an arrangement they’d already discussed.

“Sammy and I sometimes have all night drinking sessions,” Dean warns.

“I can come make you breakfast,” Cas murmurs, kissing behind his ear. “It’s great that your brother is coming.”

Dean feels incredibly lucky and he turns around in Cas’s arms. He catches his mouth in a surprise kiss and when he pulls back Cas is frowning up at him but he looks amused.

“What was that for?” he wonders.

“You’re…” Dean thinks for a moment. “Just what I need.”

Cas’s eyes soften and he draws Dean in for another, longer kiss. There’s no heat behind it but Dean doesn’t mind. It’s been a very long time since he’s just kissed for the sake of kissing and it’s nice to feel Cas’s slightly chapped lips moving with his, no rush to move on to other things, just to kiss and savour the feeling.

They abandon the bath for the bed and Cas leaves to retrieve beers and dessert for them. While he’s gone Dean wriggles under the comforter and reaches out for _Failing Heart_. It’s one of Cas’s earlier novels, his first bestseller actually. Dean finished his sci-fi novels the week after they came home from Michigan and he’s moved hesitantly on to the romances. He likes this one so far.

Cas returns and pauses in the doorway. It takes Dean several moments to notice him standing there. He always gets this conflicted look when Dean reads his novels. He seems to be touched and elated but also wary and concerned.

“What?” Dean questions when he notices him finally.

“I just l-” Cas cuts himself off with a pained look and then smiles softly. “I like finding you reading my books.”

Dean grins. “I could tell you that I like reading them but all this cheesy, romantic sap? I don’t know if I really know the man I’m in bed with. I have a strict policy about sap.”

“Do you?” Cas responds with a teasing smile, making his way over.

“Yes. And I just don’t know if I can bend the rules enough to be in a relationship with a man who writes the sappiest stories I’ve ever read.”

Cas grins and sets the drinks on the bedside table before climbing in and kneeling beside Dean. He leans in and kisses gently along Dean’s jaw. Dean lets his head fall to the side automatically to enjoy the feeling.

“Not even for me?” Cas murmurs gruffly.

“Not even for you,” Dean confirms.

“Surely I make up for it in other areas.”

“Such as?”

“Cooking.”

“Okay, I take that. But it’s not enough?”

“Provision of pie? And baths?”

“True…”

“Footrubs…”

“Where are you going? Cas? What are you doing?”

“I’m also a pretty good kisser.”

“...Cas?”

“And I give spectacular head.”

“Well, yes but I don’t think that- _oooh_! Cas, fuck! Don’t stop!”

***

It’s a few days before Sam is set to arrive and Dean is planning to meet Cas for lunch when everything seems to fall to shit. He stops in at a bookshop not far from the diner they like to eat at sometimes, as he just finished another one of Cas’s novels and he needs to get the next one. He doesn’t think Cas knows how many of his books he’s read at this point and he’s far too embarrassed to admit how fast he’s been moving through them to ask Cas for the copies Dean knows he must have somewhere.

Becky, the girl who works in the store, gives Dean a bright smile.

“Are you here for the next one?” she asks excitedly. Dean nods, smiling a little awkwardly. Becky is overly excitable but she’s not a bad kid. “I’m so glad someone else around here appreciates Mr Edlund’s work. He’s so romantic.”

Dean turns away to hide his smirk. He can’t imagine what Becky might do if she found out he’s dating the man himself. She might faint and that tempts him but Cas’s identity is a secret.

He shoots Cas a text to let him know where he is in case he takes too long and crouches down in front of the romance section to locate one of the books he has yet to read. He straightens up with a novel in hand and examines the cover with a smirk. He wonders who picks the cover art for these novels because it certainly isn’t Cas - his tastes are not this terrible.

“Dean Winchester.”

Dean freezes. That voice… It is so familiar in the most chilling way. A shudder ripples down Dean’s spine and a cold hand seizes his heart. There’s a flicker of memory that he tries his damndest to squash but it forces its way to the fore of his mind anyway. Large, dark hands, bruising in their strength, manipulating his body into the positions desired by their owner. That voice whispering filthy things in his ear about what a good whore he is, and how well he takes it. Some of the things that voice requested of him. All of those things he agreed to do because he needed the money and nobody paid better.

Dean squeezes his eyes shut against shame and the dirty feeling itching across his skin as he remembers all those things he tried so hard to pretend he never did. Sometimes they fill his dreams if he’s had a particularly bad day. He had hated himself, despised the sight of his face in the mirror, for falling so far.

Dean hasn’t seen Gordon Walker for a long time and he had hoped never to see him again. Gordon was Dean’s very last customer. He was the reason Charlie found out about his job when he had to ask for her help and he had spilled all of his darkest secrets to her, watching her eyes fill with tears and horror.

“Damn, man, you look good. Are you still charging the same?”

Dean turns his head slowly to glare. “You know I’m out.”

Gordon tuts, a smirk growing on his dark face.

“I always hated it when you played hard to get, Dean. We all know how untrue that is after all.”

Dean opens his mouth to reply but it’s at that moment that the front door of the store opens and Cas enters. He spots Dean right away and notices the tension, eyebrows furrowing as he comes over.

“Fuck off, Gordon,” Dean tries, panic squeezing his chest tightly. This is not how Cas is supposed to find out. Dean is supposed to tell him everything. Cas isn’t supposed to come face to face with one of the men Dean let degrade him and hear about the disgusting things he allowed to happen to his body. He can’t take this.

He knows he’s about to lose everything.

“Dean?” Cas touches Dean’s arm gently after he steps around Gordon. “Are you ready for lunch?”

Gordon looks between them, his smirk only growing.

“What? Is this guy paying you more or something? You know I’m good to match anything, baby.” Gordon winks and Dean feels a wave of nausea. His hands clench around the book as he tries hard to focus on anything but this situation. Gordon turns his gaze to Cas who appears bewildered and suspicious. “You know, we could share. He’s such a pretty little thing when he’s on more than one cock. A good whore knows how to take two and Dean is one of the best after all. He looks best being spit-roasted but there was this time that five of us-”

Gordon has no chance to finish his tale because Dean drops the book from his hands and swings a punch into Gordon’s face. The other man stumbles back into a shelf and Dean doesn’t even spare a moment to glance at Cas before darting out of the store and making a run for Baby across the street.

“Dean! Stop!”

He ignores Cas’s shout and dives into the driver’s seat, starting her up and pulling away before Cas can catch up. He has to stop driving halfway back to the store, to pull over and breathe through the panic attack that hits him. Before he knows it he’s curled into a tight ball on the seat, hands twisted into his hair and gasping for breath. His entire body feels like it has been pressed into a clamp, he's being crushed. But he's also shaking apart at the seams.

What were the chances of that happening? Kansas City is big enough that Dean thought he could go without running into former customers and that if he did they would refuse to acknowledge their association with him out of shame. But of course the one he does run into, the first one he’s ever run into, has to be Gordon fucking Walker. The man is a sadistic nutjob. Dean occasionally wakes in a cold sweat, dreams whispering on the edges of his consciousness of the things Gordon had done to him, that Dean had let him do because the man paid for his body.

He startles when “Ramble On” starts playing until he realises it’s his phone. He looks over expecting Cas’s name but instead it’s Sam so he quickly scrubs his face of the stray tears he tried hard not to shed and answers. His voice is a little raw when he says “Hey, Sammy” and unfortunately his brother notices.

“Are you alright?” Sam questions.

“Me? I’m great. You all packed and ready?”

“Yeah about that…”

Dean’s heart drops. No, Sam can’t cancel on him. He needs him here. He needs something to ground him and Sam has always been the one to ground him.

 _Until now…_ a stupid voice reminds him. Recently Cas has been Dean’s anchor when his head becomes a bad place to be. He stamps down on that little voice though because it won’t be that way anymore and he can’t afford thoughts like that.

“...was wondering if you’d be okay with that? Dean?”

Dean shakes his head and tries to focus on Sam. “Sorry, I missed that.”

Sam makes an impatient noise. “I want to bring Jess out. You’ve only met her a few times when you were out here to visit me. I thought she should come and stay too so that you guys can spend time together and she can meet Ellen and maybe we’ll go up and see Bobby.”

Dean feels a small smile overtake his face. “Meeting the family, huh? You really do intend on proposing to this girl one day.”

“She’s… she’s the one, Dean.”

Dean shakes his head sadly. “I think that sounds great. You guys can take my room and I-” He chokes on his next words. That had been the plan anyway and Dean would go home to Cas every night. When did he start thinking of Cas’s apartment as home? Or rather than the apartment, Dean supposes he’s been thinking of Cas himself as home.

“Dean? Are you sure you’re alright?”

“Yep, I’m all good. You know me, Sammy, nothing hurts me.”

Sam is silent. “Well, okay then… you know you can talk to me right?”

“Nothing to talk about. I have to get back to work. I’ll see you in a couple of days.”

Dean hangs up and starts driving again. His entire body is still trembling but he needs- he needs- He has no idea what he needs but he definitely needs something that isn’t this pain. Unfortunately he isn’t given a chance to recover because Cas is waiting for him when he arrives at the shop. He must have taken a short cut and as Dean was delayed by his panic attack of course he made it here first.

Dean’s head falls forward onto the steering wheel as Cas makes his way over. He opens the passenger door of the car and slides in.

“Dean?”

“Go away,” Dean mutters. “I don’t want to do this.”

“Well I do... and I think we have to.”

Dean cringes. “You heard everything you needed to hear. Why-“

“I don’t know _what_ I heard, Dean!” Cas snaps. Dean flinches and glances over to see Cas pinching the bridge of his nose and taking a deep breath. “The amount of things you keep from me... I feel like I know nothing about you and then someone like that, _that_...” Cas takes another deep breath. “I have no idea what I’m supposed to think right now.”

Dean frowns. “You can’t tell me you didn’t understand what he was saying.”

“Of course I did. But...” He groans, frustrated. “Dean-“

“I was a hooker!” Dean blurts out. Cas blinks and turns to look at him, eyes wide and disbelieving. “During college. That’s how I know Gordon and that’s what he was talking about. I was one before then though. Since-“ Dean chokes on the words and stares at his hands clenched on the steering wheel. “Since I was fifteen.”

A strangled sound of horror comes from Cas but Dean can’t look at him.

“That was something I didn’t tell you about growing up. The hardest part. Dad would leave Sam and I money when he dropped us in a town but it was never enough because he was always gone longer than he said. At first I learnt to shoplift but after a few close calls I had to stop.” Dean’s eyes flutter shut and he fights back nausea and tears as he forces the words out. Each one tastes sour on his tongue and he’s sure he’s going to be sick sometime soon. “One day we ran completely out of money and I called Dad but he said he wasn’t going to be back for _weeks_. We needed food and I’d already had a close call shoplifting in that town, I didn’t want to try again, so I went to a bar to try and win some money playing pool – I was pretty good at pool.”

Dean almost smiles.

“A man came up to me at the bar. He was this older guy, skeezy looking. Told me I had a pretty face and pretty lips. He kept touching me and offered to buy me a drink. It was just a whim, spur of the moment. I told him he could put the money to better use. I’d never even kissed a girl or a boy at that point – too much moving around, you know? – but I blew him in a bathroom stall and he left me a fifty.”

Dean shudders as the memory circles his mind. How dirty he’d felt. He’d thrown up in that filthy bathroom stall and then gone to buy some food. He’d showered every hour once he was back at the hotel, rubbing his skin raw in the hopes that he could escape the feeling clinging to him.

He rubs an arm as the feeling creeps over him now.

“That was only the first time but... Sam grew all the time. He needed clothes and shoes and school things. I needed the same things. There was food and school field trips. Sam wanted to play soccer when we ended up in one town for a few months. I could never figure out how to get the money, until... well, I learnt pretty quickly that going to the right bars, dressing a certain way and batting my eyelashes I could get men to go into the bathroom or back alley with me. Twenty or anywhere up to fifty dollars for a blowjob was good, especially if I could get a few guys in one night.”

Dean peeks sideways at Cas who is staring at him. Dean’s never seen him this lost for speech, words are Cas’s thing, he always knows what to say but right now he’s dumbstruck. Now that he’s started spilling everything he can’t seem to stop. He’s kept it all inside for too long, he has to let it all out. Including everything he never told Charlie. All of the worst parts that he has been keeping to himself. He figures if Cas is going to leave anyway then he might as well take the opportunity to explain all of it, every last detail.

“I’d leave Sam at the hotel, make sure he was asleep and wouldn’t notice and I’d go out. It worked really well. I’d have a couple hundred depending on what I could get people to pay in a few nights and we’d be set for however long Dad was gone. And it was easy to top up if he was gone longer.” Dean shrugs helplessly. “I did what I had to do. And it worked. Until it didn’t. Sammy got sick. Really sick. He needed medicine and a doctor and I couldn’t afford that with what he had left. I went to a bar, hoping I’d find more than a few guys in need of some release. I was there for two hours and hadn't even made a hundred bucks. I decided to leave, hoping to try somewhere else when this guy stopped me on the way outside. He’d been watching me proposition guys. Told me he was up for it but a blow job wasn’t what he wanted. He’d give me two hundred dollars if I let him fuck me. I didn’t know what else to do. We went to his car. He didn’t use enough lube and he didn’t prepare me enough and it hurt so badly.”

Dean doesn’t realise he’s crying until one of the tears catches on his lip and he tastes the salt. He rubs his hand over his face and finds both his cheeks wet. But he keeps talking.

“I was crying and begging him to stop. He seemed to like that though because he gave me an extra fifty when he kicked me out of his car. I had to walk back to the hotel. I managed to get Sam to a doctor who prescribed some antibiotics. He said we should go to the hospital if Sam didn’t get better but he did. Sam didn’t even question how we afforded it. I think when he started getting older he got suspicious but he doesn’t know and I don’t want him to.”

Dean rubs a hand down his face. Cas is still frozen in place.

“So after that I started adding to my list of offers. It started to hurt less but it was never painless. If only because I never let it be. I hated myself more and more every time. It was pretty much the entire reason I dropped out of school when I was seventeen.”

He swallows hard and continues in a shaky voice.

“One day I was called in to the see the Headmaster and I couldn’t figure out why. His name was Alastair and he’d been at the bar I’d been frequenting in that town. Told me he would kick me out of school and report me to the police if I didn’t give him everything he wanted. I told him I could give him a blowjob but that wasn’t good enough for him. That was the first time someone fucked me without my agreement. Sure, I hated every other time but at least I’d chosen to do it then. That bastard raped me in his office and nobody noticed. So I dropped out of school. It was weeks before Dad came to move us again. Thankfully we went to live with Bobby right after that. I still picked up the occasional trick... I felt guilty living with Bobby and not contributing. I stopped when Bobby put me to work in his shop.”

Dean trails off. His stomach is rolling and his entire body is tight with tension.

“I started up again when I moved here. I couldn’t find a job during college and I had rent to pay... Even finding Charlie didn’t help that much so I started secretly selling myself to some of the guys at college. She found out because of it. Tried to get me to stop but I had no other way to pay rent and I wasn’t going to let her take care of all of it. Gordon was the main one. He used to enjoy getting money together with a group of friends and they’d pretty much do whatever with me. He especially liked seeing me cry and beg him for things. I let him because he paid well. I let all of them.”

Silence hangs like a thick blanket of them. Dean feels suffocated by it but now that he’s gotten through as much as he can bear to he doesn’t know what else to say. There’s sudden movement and Cas gets out of the car. He slams the door shut behind him and Dean flinches, curling in on himself. This is it, then. The end. Just like he knew it would.

Cas is pacing outside the car and then he storms around to the other side and wrenches Dean’s door open. Dean tries to move away but Cas pulls him out and presses him into the side of the car. He looks... terrifying. His eyes are burning with too many emotions for Dean to read and he looks furious.

“I-“ Cas growls and drops his head. He releases Dean and backs up, twisting his hands into his hair. His phone starts ringing but Cas ignores the call, looking at Dean and then around angrily, jaw working. Dean remains still and silent, wary and unsure of what is happening.

Cas’s phone rings again. He ignores it.

“Dean...” He stops himself again and groans, kicking at the asphalt.

His phone rings a third time and this time he answers with an almost shouted “what?” He groans and barks several orders into the phone before hanging up.

“I have to go, there’s an emergency with a client,” he says, voice tight and shaking with barely suppressed emotion. “I will be back here tonight after closing. You _will_ be waiting. We’re not done here.”

Dean nods numbly. If Cas is going to break up with him why can’t he do it now? Why does he have to draw it out?

He reaches towards Dean with shaking hands but pulls them back, looking angry again. He storms back to his car and leaves Dean slumped against his own, trembling and confused.

The others know something’s wrong immediately when Dean goes straight into the staff bathrooms and throws up bile before retching and dry heaving for several long minutes. Jo comes in when the cafe quiets down and kneels beside Dean where he’s curled up on the tiles.

“I called Charlie,” she tells him after a few moments of stroking his hair. Dean clenches his eyes shut. “She’ll take you home.”

“Can’t go home,” Dean mumbles.

“You’re sick!”

“’M not sick.” Dean curls in tighter on himself. “Cas is coming back. Gotta be here.”

Jo makes a confused sound but falls silent again and just sits with Dean. When her phone buzzes she leaves and several minutes later Charlie comes in. She helps him sit up and Dean looks at her, letting his meagre walls crumble as she steadily meets his eyes.

“He found out,” Dean whispers.

“Oh, baby,” Charlie murmurs and Dean falls forward into her arms and lets himself cry on her shoulder.

“He’s going to leave,” he whimpers. “He was so angry.”

“I’m right here,” she whispers, kissing the top of his head. “I won’t leave.”

And she stays. She helps him out and makes him a lemon and ginger tea which she forces him to drink. She makes him some plain toast to nibble on and takes care of some admin work Dean has been neglecting while he sits out back and makes bouquets of flowers with the most miserable meanings he can find (unfortunately he doesn’t stock flowers with awful meanings since each of his bouquets must mean the right thing for the customer so he has very little to work with).

When the store closes Charlie sends everyone home for Dean and does all of the end of day work while Dean starts packing up the unsold flowers. He considers briefly tossing them all in the river but then feels guilty. He always sends them to the hospitals and he shouldn’t let his own bad mood ruin the joy some people get out of his flowers.

“Dean... Cas is here.”

Dean freezes where he’s kneeling beside several buckets of chrysanthemums. He hears Charlie walk away and senses eyes on him as the door to the back room is closed softly.

“I’m sorry I had to leave,” Cas says gently. He at least sounds calmer now. “It really was an emergency.”

“You didn’t have to come back for this,” Dean manages to choke out between his gritted teeth.

He hears a faltered step; Cas must have been walking towards him. “What do you mean?”

“Look, you could have broken up with me before you left. This is just cruel and I didn’t think that’s what you are.”

“Breaking...? Dean!”

Cas moves swiftly over to him and pulls him to his feet. Dean tries to look away from Cas but a large, warm hand grasps his chin until he’s forced to meet those deep eyes he adores.

“Why... No, I know why you would think that. Of course. You’ve made it clear how little you think of yourself. But I would never break up with you because of this!” Cas informs him sternly, looking for all the world like Dean had torn out his heart and stamped on it. “Never! It never crossed my mind!”

“But... you were so angry...”

“I was furious!”

Dean tries to squirm out of his grip.

“No, Dean, please. You only shy away from my touch when you think you don’t deserve it so I’m not letting you go! I was not angry with you. I was angry with everything else! With your father, with the men who’ve touched you, with the entire world for being so cruel!”

Dean stares at him in shock.

“My high opinion of you has not changed, I am not disgusted by you, whatever you might think! You did what you had to do, Dean. I’m only angry because you should never have been put in that position. To think of you, so young and desperate and that there were people who took advantage of that.” Cas’s eyes shut tightly and he drops his head. His hands are trembling where they’re holding Dean in place. “I hate that those things happened to you. Hate it more than you can imagine. But not you. It only makes me more sure of everything I feel for you. You’re so strong and good despite the things that have happened to you. You’re so selfless. Yet here you stand before me, hating yourself and believing you aren’t worth anything. Dean, if either of us isn’t good enough for the other it’s I who isn’t good enough for you. You are worth more than you could possibly imagine.”

He takes Dean’s face between his hands and brushes away several stray tears.

“I’m mad that you kept this from me because you thought it would make me leave you but that will pass. I’m so glad you’ve told me everything. Now I know how much work I really have to do.”

Dean feels a flicker of anger. “I’m not your project Cas! I don’t need fixing!”

“That isn’t what I meant.” Cas smiles and it’s heartbreaking. His eyes, though, are full of that deep, intense emotion Dean has been shying away from but right now he craves it. It’s still there. It hasn’t gone away now that Cas knows everything. Well... almost. But Dean feels confident he can reveal the rest, that he can talk about John's treatment of him. If that beautiful, terrifying emotion is still there now then it will still be there for a long time. He feels so sure of that right now and he melts into Cas, burying his face in his shoulder and clutching him tightly.

“I meant that I now know that I need to spend my every waking moment making you feel happy, and treasured, and special, and beautiful, and loved.”

Dean tenses at the word. Cas had never named it. It wasn’t quite the right phrasing but it’s hovering there now. Is he going to say it?

Cas takes a breath and Dean pulls back, yanking Cas into position to kiss him. Cas makes a surprised noise but clutches Dean back. They’re almost wrestling for control, the kiss heated and forceful until Cas strokes Dean’s cheeks and pulls back slightly.

“Everything is okay,” he whispers. Dean relaxes and the next kiss is more gentle but still heated. “I have you.”

Dean lets out a sob he can’t prevent and pulls Cas back, tugging at his clothes until the older man starts to help him remove them. They stumble a little undressing each other and several of the buckets nearby are tipped over, spreading red and yellow chrysanthemums over the floor. Cas coaxes Dean down onto the mess of flowers to finish undressing him. Their kisses are becoming desperate again because Dean is unable to keep himself from tearing up and holding Cas as tightly as he can.

“Please,” he whines, when Cas’s mouth is busy sucking bruises onto his collarbone. “Please, Cas.”

“What?” Cas gasps, leaning back up and brushing fingers over Dean’s lips. Dean tries to catch his thumb but Cas removes it, replacing it with his lips. They kiss slowly and he pulls back. “Tell me what you need, beautiful.”

Dean shivers at the endearment.

“You. Need you. Now. Fuck me.”

“No.” Cas leans down and kisses under Dean’s ear before whispering, “I’m going to make love to you until you can’t see straight.”

Dean gasps another sob and manoeuvres Cas back to kiss him again. Cas still wants to touch him. He hasn’t faltered once. Nothing that Dean has told him has changed this. But Dean wants it to. He doesn’t want Cas to be any different. _He_ wants to change.

“Face me,” he murmurs, running his fingers through Cas’s hair. “I want to see your eyes.”

Cas’s face lights with joy and adoration as he looks down at Dean.

“I love you,” he says firmly and clearly, no hesitation or lie anywhere in his face. Dean is frozen in place, his heart thudding at double speed and his body hot all over. Cas’s gaze is melting his insides and he can’t think about anything outside that dark, dark blue. “Don’t worry about saying it back. You need to know, though. I love you, Dean Winchester. That won’t ever change.”

Dean smiles and leans up to kiss Cas.

“There’s lube and condoms in my bag,” he prompts. Cas climbs off him to retrieve them. Dean feels so very cold without Cas’s body but he returns soon and there’re hands sliding down his body and lips moving with his, a tongue tracing the inside of his mouth. It’s perfect. Cas’s fingers are efficient but gentle as he prepares Dean. If there’s a few extra minutes of preparation and an extra finger than usual neither of them says anything. Cas wants to treat Dean the same, Dean knows, but he was affected heavily by everything he was told. It’s going to show up from time to time. Dean is realising now that it doesn’t mean anything. Cas doesn’t see him any differently.

Cas removes his hand and then he’s pushing slowly inside, braced on his forearms bracketing Dean’s head. Dean wraps his arms and legs tight around Cas and holds him close. He presses their foreheads together and refuses to let their eyes leave each other as Cas sets a steady rhythm. Dean lets out a small gasp on every thrust and Cas whispers repeatedly everything he loves about Dean, pressing kisses over his face and making sure to maintain eye contact.

“I won’t leave you,” Cas promises. “I’ll always stay.”

Dean moans and kisses Cas. Their mouths remain pressed together, exchanging breath as Cas picks up the pace.

“Close,” Dean whines. “So close.”

“I’ve got you,” Cas groans. He reaches in between them and grasps Dean in his hand, stroking quickly. “I’ve got you, Dean. Let go. Let go...”

Dean cries out and clenches his eyes shut, fingers digging into Cas’s shoulders as he comes. Cas moans his name as he stills, coming right after Dean. He keeps most of his weight off Dean, panting against his throat. Dean feels unbelievably relaxed as he strokes Cas’s damp hair back off his forehead.

“Wow...”

Cas chuckles, suckling at Dean’s throat.

“Love you so much.”

Dean smiles contently. He’s thankful he seems to have cried himself out. Too many tears had been shed today. He hates crying but over Cas it seems so easy. Cas makes him feel so much that he just can’t hold it back. He wishes he knew how to tell Cas he loves him too, because he’s almost sure he does but it feels like if he takes that step then it will be too much too soon. Besides, Cas told him not to. He can wait. He’ll wait until it’s right for him.

Right now, he just wants to hold Cas on a bed of flowers that have strangely appropriate meanings until Charlie comes in to see if they’re alive. He thinks they should probably put clothes on before she comes in but he doesn’t want to move, he’s far too happy right now, far too relaxed and at peace than he’s ever been before in his life. He’s laid himself bare before somebody and they pulled him close and loved him in response. He wasn’t aware it was possible to have this, to find this place.

He doesn’t feel like anything could break them.


	14. Home is where they love and accept you

There’s a sort of fragility between them when Cas accompanies Dean to the airport to pick up Sam and Jess two days later. It’s a Sunday so they were able to wake up together and lie in bed exchanging lazy kisses and falling back asleep for a little while. One of Dean’s favourite parts about being with Cas is waking up beside him and seeing him sleep rumpled and relaxed. Working for his family’s company wears on Cas but right after he wakes up or right after they’ve had sex all the tension bleeds out of him and he smiles at Dean in this gentle way that fills him with warmth.

Things have changed between them since running into Gordon. But it’s for the best.

Cas makes sure to tell Dean he loves him as many times as he can. He also makes more of an effort to make sex mean something. He’s still possessive and rough the way Dean loves but his touches are gentler more often, as though trying to soothe the things done to Dean before he found him, to take away the hurts that he seems to be taking upon himself for unknown reasons.

Dean’s looking forward to introducing Cas to Sam. It’ll be a break for both of them, having Sam and Jess around. They all need to get to know each other and since Dean has specifically kept Cas’s identity from Sam he can’t wait to see his little brother’s reaction.

For once Sam’s flight is on time and Dean is scanning the people streaming through the gate with growing excitement. Cas watches him with a soft smile.

He hasn’t seen Sam since Christmas. That’s six months. He feels no self-consciousness for his eagerness.

He hears his name shouted then spots his brother towering over the people around him. There’s a ridiculously emotional hug when Dean meets Sam halfway, Jess and Cas both standing back and watching with almost identical, indulgent smiles.

“You’re still growing,” Dean muses, leaning back and looking up at Sam’s face.

“I don’t think so. Maybe you’re shrinking,” Sam teases.

“Bitch.”

“Jerk.”

Dean laughs and steps back. He gives Jess a tight hug before taking her bag and falling into position beside Cas.

“Sam, Jess, this is Castiel Novak. Cas the behemoth is my brother and the gorgeous girl who is far too good for him is his girlfriend Jessica Moore,” Dean introduces. Sam and Jess both blink in surprise. Jess is quick to greet Cas with a short hug and a grin while Sam just stares.

“Sam, it’s wonderful to finally meet you,” Cas greets, holding out his hand. “Dean has told me much about you. And your ambitions.”

Sam blinks down at Cas’s hand and practically leaps forward to accept it, shaking it with both of his.

“Cas, it’s... wow, it’s an honour really. I had no idea that you were... I mean, Dean never mentioned your surname. I can’t... this is incredible... I’ve followed most of your cases. And Michael’s of course. I just... wow...”

Cas looks highly entertained. “You’re interested in prosecution?”

Sam nods eagerly. “Absolutely.

Dean is trying hard not to laugh and Jess appears to be in the same predicament.

“Well, why don’t we go and get lunch so Sam can continue fanboying over my boyfriend?” Dean suggests. He chuckles when Cas offers to help Sam with his bags and Sam nearly falls over himself to explain that it’s unnecessary. They pack the bags into the Impala’s trunk and pile in. Dean drives while holding Cas’s hand as usual and they banter playfully over where to go for lunch.

Sam is still star struck but Jess is watching Dean and Cas closely, a smile growing on her face with each passing moment. Dean knows Sam will have the same reaction once he gets over meeting one of the Novak brothers. Dean knows he’s not what Sam is used to right now, he’s settled and relaxed. He hopes it’s a good change.

They end up ordering take out and bringing it home to Dean and Charlie’s apartment. Charlie is there and pleased to see Sam again and to meet Jess and the five of them relax in the living room, eating out of Chinese containers and fighting over who gets the last dumpling while chatting aimlessly.

Dean goes into the kitchen at one point to retrieve some more beers and another bottle of wine for the girls and Sam follows him.

“I like him,” Sam declares. Dean glances over his shoulder before passing Sam some of the beers.

“You’re only saying that because he works for your dream company,” Dean teases.

“No, I mean it. The way he looks at you, Dean, it’s like you’re the best thing he’s ever known.” Sam is grinning. “It’s fantastic.”

Dean shakes his head, dropping his gaze back to the fridge.

“It is a bit, yeah.”

Sam chuckles. “I’m really glad you found him.”

“Me too. So... you wanna add some ice cream to this chick flick moment? I think we have some Ben and Jerry’s...?”

“Quit ruining nice moments!” Sam kicks at Dean’s feet. “I’m trying to be serious. I’ve never seen you this happy before. You guys seem pretty serious, and it’s only been a couple of months, right?”

“Yeah...” Dean shuffles awkwardly. He always hates when Sam initiates these conversations. He never knows what to say. “But it’s just...”

“Right?”

“Yeah, that.” Dean waves his hand. “For some reason he keeps on sticking around even when I think I’ve ruined it.”

Sam is smiling softly when Dean finally meets his eyes.

“Good.” Sam then frowns. “Why didn’t you tell me he was Castiel Novak? You only ever referred to him as Cas when we talked.”

“I...” Dean shrugs. “I don’t know. Maybe I didn’t want you rattling off a thousand questions. Or I didn’t want you to think that I was going to try and get favouritism for you when you one day end up working for them.”

Sam chuckles. “Dean I just finished my Sophomore year. I’ve got two years before Law School. Besides, they rarely hire anyone right out of school. It would be years before I work for them, if I ever do.”

“Of course you will!” Dean protested. “And Cas says that Michael has scouts who show him kids at school he should keep an eye on. I’d bet anything you’re one of them.”

“Of course you would.” Sam shakes his head with a smile.

“What are you two doing in there?” Charlie shouts. “Jess and I want our wine already!”

“We’re coming!” Dean shouted back. He and Sam bring the drinks into the living room and Dean returns to his place on the floor between Cas’s legs, leaning against his chest. Charlie is sprawled on the lounge above them and Sam and Jess are sitting on the other side. All of the food is spread out on the coffee table.

Everybody is smiling and laughing and Dean doesn’t think he’s ever felt so content.

He and Cas leave late that night, Dean explaining to Sam that it’s just easier for him to stay with Cas and receiving glowing smiles from the girls while Sam just nods and smiles indulgently. Dean ignores their looks. He’s used to their behaviour by now. Dean’s going to get Sam the next morning and bring him into work. Sam may not have any memories of the shop from when their mother was alive but he still feels part of the connection to it that Dean does so he usually goes in to help out when he visits.

Dean falls asleep wrapped around Cas but wakes up several hours later with nothing and finds Cas in the living room, typing at a rapid pace. Dean yawns, stretching his arms over his head and pads over to the lounge.

“Brain wave?” he wonders, draping his arms over Cas’s shoulders and peering at the word document. He catches parts of a sentence (“... _shut away inside. If only there was a way Jensen could..._ ”) before Cas minimises the window. Dean frowns but doesn’t protest. Cas is weird about his work.

“Yeah. Sorry.” Cas turns his head and Dean accepts the offered kiss. “Ideas have been bouncing around all afternoon.”

Dean smiles against Cas’s cheek where his face is resting.

“Well, finish up and come back to bed. I have to be up in three hours and I can’t sleep when you’re not there,” Dean murmurs. He gives Cas one last kiss and returns to the bedroom. He wants to know why it is Cas won’t let him read it. He supposes it could be because it’s unfinished and the way he spoke about it while they were up in Michigan, Dean got the impression that he wasn’t entirely happy with it. Still, Dean wants to know what it is that he’s inspired Cas to write about. He enjoys the rest of his stories; he knows he’ll enjoy this one too. When it’s finished, he decides, when it’s finished he’ll convince Cas to let him read it.

The next day with Sam is great. They spend the morning making bouquets together and catching up on everything. They talk about Sam’s grades and they talk about Dean and Cas’s plans to set Charlie and Jo up. Sam approves heartily of those, claiming it will be about time. Sam is disapproving when he asks why Dean ran away to stay with Bobby for a week and they devolve into their age old argument about John Winchester and his influence over Dean – Sam blaming John, of course, for Dean’s emotional unavailability.

“We’re adults Dean, he can’t keep affecting us like this!”

Dean rubs his forehead in irritation. “Can we not talk about him, Sammy? Every time we do we just end up fighting and I’d rather not spend your visit that way.”

Sam’s mouth is open to retort but he snaps it closed and nods sharply.

“You need a haircut,” Dean announces then and they devolve into their other age old – and much less serious – argument about Sam’s appearance.

Over lunch Sam finds the book Dean is reading and holds it up with a growing smile.

“So... what happened to your claim that reading these turns you into a woman?” Sam demands. Dean snatches the book away from him, flushing furiously. “Jess loves them, you know, maybe you and her should eat ice cream and gab about them.”

“Your comments are very sexist and promote damaging gender expectations,” Dean snaps.

Sam laughs. “You’re the one who says them.”

“Yeah well... these aren’t so bad.”

“So you’ve read more by this Edlund guy?” Sam wonders.

Dean hesitates and then decides Cas wouldn’t mind if he told Sam. It’s not like Sam will spread it around.

“Carver Edlund is Cas’s penname,” Dean informs him. “I’m being a good boyfriend. Plus it’s fun to tease him for writing romance.”

Sam stares. Blinks. And stares some more.

“Cas... writes these?” he asks. Dean nods.

“Yep.”

“Carver Edlund is an international bestseller,” Sam says softly, still staring.

“Yep.” Dean pops the ‘p’ and grins cheekily at Sam. “Writing is what Cas loves best.” He shrugs. “You should read some of them. He’s really good.”

Sam shakes his head slowly and then laughs. “You sound rather proud.”

Dean ignores that statement because it’s true. Of course he’s proud. Cas has a real talent. Now if only he could convince him to let him read the manuscript he’s working on.

That night Dean drags Sam to the Roadhouse with Benny. Ellen spends a long time hugging Sam and looking him over, commenting on his insane height and his ridiculous hair the same way Dean always does. She brings them their first round on the house and soon after they’re joined by Charlie, Jess and Jo.

Dean shoots Cas a text, wondering if he’d like to join them.

**From: Cas Novak**

_Sorry. On a roll with a new chapter. If I leave now I’ll lose it. I’ll see you when you get home. I love you._

_Received on 2014/06/16 22:34_

Dean feels a little flutter in his heart. Cas always uses the word ‘home’ in reference to his apartment when asking Dean when he’ll be back or when he’ll be staying over. He wonders when Cas’s home had become _their_ home. The thought fills him with no small amount of fear along with the joy. They’ve only been together just over two months. Dean is slowly growing more trusting of the fact that Cas is sticking around but he is still wary of making plans, of building a possible future with Cas when it could still come tumbling down at any moment.

Still, the thought is nice and he looks forward to crawling into bed with Cas when he’s done here with his friends and his little brother.

***

Sam and Jess are staying for a week so Dean spends most of his days split between the store, with Sam (alternatively with Sam and Jess and often at times Cas) and Cas’s apartment. It’s tiring running around all over the place but he enjoys it. He doesn’t get to have Sam around for long periods of time very often and after this the next time he’ll be seeing him will be Thanksgiving at Bobby’s so he wants to make the most of this week.

It is all smooth sailing. Sam and Jess both love Cas – Jess especially when Cas signs a copy of one of her books for her – and they all enjoy spending time together. It’s nice that Dean’s family essentially all approve of Cas. Bobby has yet to meet him but has demanded Dean bring him up for Thanksgiving. Dean hasn’t brought it up with Cas but he intends to comply with Bobby’s wishes. He wants to have Cas involved in a large family event. He, Sam (and now Jess he supposes), Bobby, Ellen, Jo and Charlie all have Thanksgiving together up in Sioux Falls at Bobby’s. Dean wants Cas there. He wants to see Cas slot in with the rest of the people who make Dean’s life light and happy.

One family member he isn’t counting on introducing to Cas is, of course, John. He knows exactly what John’s response would be if he told him he’s dating a man. It wouldn’t be pretty so he has no intention of letting his father find out.

Unfortunately that decision is taken out of his hands when, on the last day of Sam and Jess’s visit he gets a call from Benny who’s running the shop so his Saturday is free.

“Dean... uh, you might wanna come down here,” Benny says warily. Dean frowns and glances around the table at Sam, Jess and Cas.

“Why?” he wonders.

“Your... Dean, your father is here. He’s asking to see you.”

There’s a sinking feeling in stomach that feels cold and hollow. It’s as though he had beautiful curtains made of sunshine and gold hovering over his life and they’ve been torn down with five simple words to let darkness back in. None of this was set to last. It was all going to crumble eventually. One man would ensure all of that.

Dean takes a shuddering breath and pinches the bridge of his nose.

“What does he want?” he asks through gritted teeth. He hasn’t seen John in years. What the hell is he doing here now?

“I don’t know. He won’t tell me. Should I send him to you?” Benny wonders.

“Uh... no, no I’ll come down there.” The others are watching him with confused expressions. “I’ll be there soon. Make him a coffee or something, on the house.”

Benny makes a noise of assent before Dean hangs up. Cas notices the tension in his shoulders and reaches over to touch him. Dean flinches away and tries not to be affected by the hurt that flashes across Cas’s face.

“What’s going on?” Sam asks him.

“Dad’s here. I’m going to go see him.” Dean figures being honest is the best course. Sam would just bitch if he lied. “All of you stay here. I’ll find out what he wants.”

“Dean!”

Dean ignores Sam’s shout and leaves the cafe they’ve been having coffee in. He’s about a ten minute drive from the shop but he makes it in five. He seems to forget road rules exist when he’s highly strung. Thankfully he didn’t run into any cops.

Sure enough John is sitting in the cafe drinking a large black coffee when Dean walks into the shop. His stomach is rolling a little. He can’t help but remember the last time he saw his father.

It was right after he dropped out of school. Dean didn’t tell anybody what Alastair had done to him but John had seen the bruises on his body. He assumed Dean had been beaten up. He was drunk and furious about his son dropping out and believed it was because he was weak. He yelled at Dean, swore at him, called him every belittling name he could think of. Dean took it all in silence after telling Sammy to get out of the hotel room they were staying in.

He didn’t react to any of John’s taunts.

But when the fists had come out Dean had had enough.

He’d taken the drunken punches without responding for a long time so that John would never turn his rage on Sam.

But he was seventeen and he’d had enough of older, bigger, stronger men doing what they wanted to his body.

So he hit back.

He’s sure, even now, that it was that action that completely woke John up from his daydream because the very next day they headed for Sioux Falls.

Two days later they arrived and Dean hasn’t seen John since.

He’s wary as he approaches his dad’s table.

“Dad...”

John looks up and a smile spreads across his weathered face. The years of alcohol abuse appear to have caught up to him because he looks a lot older than his forty nine years. It’s a shame, Dean knows because he’s seen John and Mary’s wedding photos, John was very attractive in his youth. Now he looks sad and old and broken.

For the first time in Dean’s life he’s not afraid when he looks at John. He’s sickened.

“Dean. Sit, sit. The shop looks good. Your mother would be so proud.”

Dean winces at the mention of Mary but sits down opposite John anyway.

“What are you doing here? I thought you relocated again...” Dean frowns. He can’t fathom what would bring him here.

“I went to see Bobby like you suggested,” John explains. Dean raises his eyebrows but doesn’t reply. Maybe they had a fight. Wouldn’t be the first time. “I asked him how you and Sam were. You two are never honest with me and I figured he’d know so I asked.”

Dean’s spine begins to stiffen as a wariness falls over him. No, Bobby didn’t...

“Said you were both doing as great as you claimed. Said you’d both settled into serious relationships that seemed like they’d last. I believed it of Sammy, but I couldn’t believe when he said you had too.” John laughed. “I realised my boys are both growing up, becoming men, and I didn’t know who the lucky ladies were they’d chosen to help them out.”

Dean almost sags in relief, dropping his head and breathing out. Bobby kept his secret.

“I want to meet her, Dean.”

Dean’s head snaps up. “What?”

“This girl you’re dating. Cassie was that her name? If it’s as serious as Bobby thinks I’d like to meet her. Sam’s Jessica too. Bobby said they were here visiting you.”

Dean can feel panic creeping over him. What’s he supposed to do? John will kill him, or he’ll damn well try if he finds out Dean’s seeing a man. But it isn’t like he can say no, that would end almost as badly. Should he get Charlie to pretend to be his girlfriend? They’ve done that in the past. No, that isn’t fair to Cas...

God, _think_ , Dean commands himself. There has to be a way out of this.

John is watching him expectantly and Dean’s panic fades a little as he meets his father’s gaze.

This is the man who was supposed to raise him. But nobody raised Dean, he never had a chance to be a child after Mary died.

This is the man who should have raised Sam. But Dean raised Sam. Absolutely nobody, not even Sam himself, contests that fact. In fact, Sam never mentions John when he tells people about his family, Dean knows; he mentions not knowing his mother but he only talks about his brother and his Uncle Bobby.

This is the man who put too much responsibility on Dean’s shoulders: “Watch out for Sammy.” Dean watched out for Sammy. The lengths he went to, to watch out for Sammy. He stole and he lied for Sammy. He sold everything he was to look out for Sammy. But according to John he was never good enough. At anything he did.

This is the man who destroyed Dean’s childhood with his own selfishness and delusions.

Dean always ignored these facts. But recently he’s been elaborating on them to Cas, opening up to everything he did and felt throughout his childhood and adolescence. Telling Cas and watching him become infuriated on Dean’s behalf. The number of times Cas has cried because of what Dean had gone through is astounding, especially when Dean stopped crying for himself a very long time ago.

It’s Cas’s tears that have reminded him what John is. He’s not Dean’s father, he never was. He’s a drunken leech who can go to hell.

“Sure, Dad,” Dean says. “You can meet them. I was just with all of them. I can bring them here.”

He has no idea what’s come over him but this wave of rebelliousness, ten years too late, is too difficult to ignore. He flicks a message to the others to come join he and John.

**From: Sam Winchester**

_We’re already on our way, idiot. You really think I was going to let you face Dad alone? You’re a dumb fuck sometimes._

_Received on 2014/06/21 11:20_

Dean smiles.

“They’re on their way. Did you want lunch?” Dean wonders.

“I’m right with coffee for now. You got any pie though?” John asks. Dean nods and goes to retrieve him a slice of the cherry pie Benny baked yesterday for the cafe. He serves it with a generous dollop of ice cream and tries not to fidget as anxiety for what’s about to happen sets in. What in god’s name is he thinking?

There’s no time to actually wonder though as they arrive shortly after in Cas’s car. Sam and Jess walk into the shop first and John stands up to hug Sam. Sam returns the hug stiffly. Dean doesn't understand how John can be oblivious to the tension radiating off his younger son.

“You’ve grown so big!” John says in amazement.

“It’s been seven years. I was a skinny thirteen year old last time I saw you.”

“And now you’re a handsome man.” John pats Sam’s face. “You’re hair’s getting a bit girly, though, might wanna cut it.”

Dean bristles. When he tells Sam that it’s all in good humour but John’s comment was meant as a criticism. Still, that’s as harsh as his critiques of Sam ever get. It’s Dean who can’t do anything right.

“This is Jessica, Jess this is my father John Winchester,” Sam introduces, wrapping an arm around Jess and drawing her into his side. Jess smiles at John, it appears warm but Dean can see how she’s concerned and tense. It seems she knows what’s coming as well as Sam does.

Cas hasn’t come inside yet so Dean ducks out. He’s waiting by the car.

“Your father doesn’t know about your sexuality,” Cas says before Dean can say anything.

“I don’t give a fuck,” Dean replies and grabs Cas’s hand.

“Dean... do you really want to do this? Now? _Here_?”

Dean pauses. In Mum’s shop?

He considers and then nods, meeting Cas’s eyes defiantly. Mary would never have shamed Dean for Cas. She would have adored Cas, Dean is sure. Would have been so happy for her son to finally find someone he loves. Dean swallows hard at the surety of that thought because he does love Cas, more than he’s ever loved anything before yet he can’t figure out how to tell him that. Mary would have known, she would have been able to see it and she would have helped Dean find a way to say it.

Doing this here is right. Where her spirit is strongest. John can’t hurt Dean here.

Cas seems to draw in a sharp breath as he looks over Dean’s expression. He squeezes his hand and nods. No words necessary.

John is chatting to Sam and Jess about Stanford. They’re all sitting but when John catches sight of Dean he stands again then freezes in place when he sees who Dean is holding hands with.

An interesting phenomenon takes place on John’s face. He appears to be struggling with a series of strong emotions, each of them appearing and being replaced on his face in quick succession before he settles on amusement and chuckles.

“Real funny Dean,” he says with a grin. Benny pauses in the act of helping a customer in the main shop to turn his eyes on the scene warily. He looks battle ready as he eyes John. “Real jokester, my son.” John waves his hand at Dean while glancing around at the cafe’s other patrons and Kevin who is currently cleaning a table in the corner.

There are a number of regulars in the cafe. They and Dean’s employees stare with wide eyes, the growing concern palpable.

“Dad this is Cas,” Dean says firmly. “My boyfriend. He’s a lawyer and an author. I met him here and we’ve been seeing each other for two and a half months.”

John’s smile drops away and his eyes narrow.

“Stop fucking around, Dean.”

“It isn’t a joke, Dad. Cas is my boyfriend.”

Cas’s hand is tight around Dean’s and their sides are brushing together. Dean draws strength from Cas’s presence, watching John warily. He hopes he doesn’t try anything here. If he does Benny won’t hesitate to put his hand to hand combat training to use for the first time since Afghanistan.

“You are not some fucking faggot.”

Dean begins trembling with a mix of anger and anxiety.

“The term is homosexual. And no, I’m not. I’m bisexual. I’ve known since I was fourteen.”

John slams a fist on the table making Jess jump. Sam stands and pulls Jess away from the table, eyeing their father warily. He retreats nearby to Dean and Cas. Jess looks worried.

“You listen to me, boy-“

“No, Dad, you listen to me!” Dean snaps. “I don’t care what you think of this. I don’t care if you think it’s sick or wrong or that I’m going to hell or that I’ve made some kind of choice. Because I know none of that is true. Cas is mine and I’m his and nothing you say or do is going to change that. You don’t get a say in my life. Don’t you get it? You haven’t been around since I was four. I’m my own man and I get to decide what I do with my life... and who I spend it with.”

John’s glare would have made Dean cower when he was a kid but now he just draws himself up taller and returns it.

“I don’t have any room for you,” Dean adds firmly.

“Dean-“

“No, Dad! You’re not a part of my life. Except when you want something. So, don’t ask me for anything anymore. I won’t be giving it.”

John shoves away from the table and marches up to Dean who meets his gaze resolutely.

“Mr Winchester-“ Cas tries.

“Don’t speak you me you disgusting-“

“Shut the hell up, Dad!” Dean shouts. “Don’t speak to Cas like that! Don’t speak to _me_ like that!” John falters. Dean has never yelled at John. He hit back exactly once but that was done in silence. He never yelled at John, never returned or rebuffed his verbal abuse.

“I want you out,” Dean said, quieter now but his voice remains strong. “I want you to leave my store. I want you to stay away from me and from Cas. I don’t ever want to hear from you again.”

John blinks, studying Dean in disbelief. “I’m your father!”

“You’re nothing to me.”

There’s a long stand off where John glares and shudders with anger. He raises a fist but Dean stares back at him. They both remember how that went last time and Dean knows that this time he’s stronger than John. They both know how it would end.

John lets out a snarl and turns to storm out of the store.

Dean sags against Cas when the front door shuts. Sam and Jess are staring at him with identical smiles of love and support. Dean returns it weakly.

“Are you alright?” Cas whispers, lips moving in Dean’s hair. Dean nods. Then shakes his head. He finishes with a shrug and turns around, burying his face in Cas’s shoulder and holding him tightly.

“I don’t feel anything,” Dean murmurs. “I’m just _done_.”

Cas hums. “I know, my love, I know.”

There’s a weight missing from Dean’s shoulders. There’s a new ball of anxiety in his gut, wondering if he’s done the right thing, but it’s no longer hanging over him. He feels like he’s taken a step in the right direction. In the direction of a future that he’s always dreamed of. Cas’s arms around him make him feel sure of that.


	15. Good things do happen... but they never last

The next couple of months pass easily and, thankfully, uneventfully. Dean and Cas go to New York to stay with Gabriel for the Fourth of July. Gabriel takes Dean around his main candy factory and Dean has far too much of a good time. He meets Gabriel’s sometimes-girlfriend Kali and thinks she’s one hell of a woman if only because she’s able to put up with Gabriel. It’s while they’re with him that Gabriel brings up something that makes Dean remember he’s not the only one with shitty family he’s wary of bringing this relationship into contact with. But he doesn’t bring it up with Cas until the end of July.

“So... are you going to go to Washington for your mother’s birthday?” Dean asks. They’re lying together on the couch, watching some movie that Dean hasn’t been paying attention to. He’s been more interesting in kissing up and down Cas’s throat lazily.

Cas stiffens at the question.

“I am expected to go,” he replies.

“That’s not an answer. Are you going?” Dean rests his chin on his arms where they’re resting on Cas’s chest. Cas runs a hand through Dean’s hair.

“Yes,” he sighs. “I have to. It’s the only way to keep my parents happy despite my “lifestyle choices”.”

Dean scowls but leans forward and kisses the tip of Cas’s nose.

Cas is studying him curiously.

“I’ll be here with good food and cuddles when you get back,” Dean promises. Snuggling is the best cure for Cas’s bad moods. He’s surprisingly easy to take care of. And Dean likes taking care of him.

“You’ll be coming with me,” Cas replies simply. Dean raises his eyebrows.

“But your parents-“

“Dean... I’m not ashamed of you. I’m proud to be with you. Besides it’s not just my parents. All my siblings will be there, and some of my extended family. Most of them accept me for who I am. They’ll be excited to meet you. And I think Michael was rather put out that he’s the only one who didn’t get to meet you at Anna’s wedding.”

Dean smiles. “Okay then.”

***

They don’t have time to drive up to Olympia so they fly up on the afternoon of the fifteenth. Dean’s fear of flying seems to be a source of amusement for Cas who indulges his need to have a hand to hold. He hums Metallica along with Dean when he needs calming and at one point distracts him with filthy promises of some things he wants to try next time they have an entire weekend to themselves to spend between the sheets - which works until they hit some turbulence and Dean feels like he's about to be sick.

Dean is shaken and miserable when they get off the plane at Seattle. Cas rubs his back soothingly as they stumble through the gates. Cas goes to get their bags while Dean sits down on a bench and tries to breathe.

“Mr Winchester, the florist.”

Dean’s head snaps up and he finds himself staring at two handsome men. One of whom, the speaker, he immediately recognises as Lucifer Novak and the other taller, with thick dark hair and bright hazel eyes. He realises immediately that it must be Michael Novak and he jumps to his feet to greet them but sways dangerously. The twins each catch an arm and look at him with concern.

“Are you alright?” Michael asks.

“I’m not good at flying,” Dean murmurs. “I feel sick.”

“Lucifer, go and get some water,” Michael says firmly. Lucifer darts off and Michael helps Dean sit down. “Sorry. Do you need something to eat? Something to throw up into?”

Dean shakes his head. “The water will be good. I’ll be fine in a couple of hours.”

Michael nods. “I’m Michael, by the way.”

Dean tries to nod and say he figured that, but he just feels woozy and clutches his head.

“Sorry, this isn’t how I wanted our introduction to go,” he says, looking at Michael with some embarrassment. “Cas looks up to you so much. I wanted to make a good impression.”

Michael smiles. “Don’t worry, Dean. This is fine. You don’t need to make a good impression on me. You’ve already done that with Anna and Gabriel and Lucifer. And Castiel adores you. That’s all fine for me.”

Dean nods and drops his head into his hands. Michael’s large hand rubs slow circles on his back that feel nice.

Lucifer returns with a cold bottle of water at the same time that Cas arrives with their bags. Dean glances up to watch with amusement as Lucifer hugs his little brother tightly before letting Michael also hug Cas in greeting.

“It’s been too long, baby bro,” Lucifer teases.

“We saw each other at Anna’s wedding,” Cas protests, dodging Lucifer’s attempt to ruffle his hair as though he was four not thirty four. “And I saw Michael at the board meeting last month.”

Michael shakes his head and leans down to help Dean to his feet.

“Come on, we should get going, we have a fair drive ahead of us,” Michael informs the teasingly bickering brothers.

“Is it always like this?” Dean wonders.

“Oh, Dean.” Michael laughs. “You haven’t seen anything.”

It’s take an hour and a half to drive to the Novak’s estate. The estate is completely covered in trees and backs up onto the state forest outside Olympia. The long winding driveway appears green under weak sunlight filtering through the overcast sky and then the thick forest above. It’s pretty and Dean finally understands what Cas meant when he talked about missing the trees. Dean thinks if he grew up here, hiking, camping, fishing and sailing all surrounded by trees, he’d miss them too living in a high-rise apartment in the middle of a city. He wonders why the Novaks decided to settle up here.

“Did Castiel warn you about our parents?” Michael asks. Lucifer sacrificed the front seat to Dean whose stomach has only just settled after the flight.

“Yeah, they’re douches,” Dean replies, glancing around at Cas who smiles at him. Lucifer snickers and Michael sighs.

“I suppose that’s one way of putting it. Our mother’s brother and his wife are the same so please... don’t let anything they say get to you. The rest of our family will welcome you warmly however, as I’m sure you realised from meeting them at the wedding.”

Dean nods. He’s relieved that there will be support for he and Cas this weekend.

“My father’s a dick too,” Dean offers. “I’ve got thick skin.”

“Good,” Lucifer says. “You’ll need it. Our mother’s tongue is made of barbs.”

Dean shivers a little but steels himself as they pull up to the massive house. Michael parks in the garage and leads Dean through to the house while Cas and Lucifer grab their bags.

“Welcome to Casa de Novak,” Lucifer says. “We’ll take you upstairs to settle in before exposing you to the fam bam.”

Dean is utterly confused by Lucifer. He’s heard from Sam how ruthless and underhanded Lucifer is in a court room but that image doesn’t really match with this guy who is joking around his with brothers and ribbing Dean a little.

They arrive upstairs and are immediately confronted with Gabriel. He and Lucifer begin a back and forth that Dean has never seen the likes of before and he’s positive that five minutes later when he and Cas are putting their bags on the large bed in Cas’s old room that the pair have already plotted several devious incidents to occur during dinner that night. He understands a little what Michael meant now.

Cas laughs at Dean’s dumbfounded expression.

“When we were children, grounding Luci and Gabe never worked,” Cas says cheerfully. “So our parents used to ban them from speaking to each other.”

Dean huffs out a laugh. “Really?”

“Really,” Michael confirms. “It didn’t work very well, they always found ways to cause trouble without interacting. They’re menaces apart but together they’re an army whose goal is wreaking havoc wherever possible.”

“Forty and thirty eight years old and they’re still determined to act like children.” Cas shakes his head with a wry expression but Dean can see the laughter in his eyes. It’s also hidden in Michael’s expression. There’s real love here, between the Novak siblings, Dean realises. It’s nice to see.

Dean grins. “This weekend is going to be great.”

Cas laughs and kisses his temple. Michael watches their small interaction with a soft smile.

“Oh, and Cas,” Michael says suddenly, “Mother invited Rachel.”

Cas blinks and then groans. “Really?”

“When your RSVP came back ‘plus one’ she decided an intervention was necessary.” Michael shrugs helplessly. “Sorry, I meant to warn you but I didn’t want you to change your mind about coming.”

Cas rolls his eyes heavenward.

“I would still have come, Michael,” he admonishes, “but your warning is appreciated, even late as it is.”

“Keep her away from Dean.”

“Who’s Rachel?” Dean asks, though he has his suspicions.

“Our parents wanted Castiel to marry her,” Michael explains. “He proceeded to inform them he was moving in with his boyfriend.”

“Balthazar?” Dean questions. They both nod. “Wow, that’s certainly a way to derail an arranged marriage.”

Cas chuckles. “It did work quite well. Though, they’ve continually tried to push her on me when I come home. I thought they’d stopped but it seems not.”

“You’ve never brought somebody home before. They took it as an emergency.” Michael looks irritated. “I’ll try and keep her distracted.”

“Thank you, Michael.”

“Right, let’s head downstairs then.”

What follows has to be the tensest dinner Dean has ever been invited to. He’s introduced to the Novak patriarch, a large intimidating man that Dean can barely meet the eyes of and a prickly woman beside him. Despite the fact that Mr Novak is well into his seventies and Mrs Novak is turning sixty this weekend he finds them vaguely terrifying and sticks close to Cas’s side. Mrs Novak’s brother Zachariah is just as bad though he’s more of a slimeball than intimidating.

Dean is seated opposite Cas but in between Gabriel and Michael at the dinner table while Rachel, a tall, beautiful blonde is seated beside Cas. Dean would be jealous and angry if he didn’t know Cas was one hundred percent gay. Rachel appears to be genuinely interested in Cas. Dean isn’t sure if it is the money or if in the time they spent together when they were younger she actually developed feelings for him, but either way he does bristle a little at the casual way she touches him. Cas is gay, she’s being disrespectful to him and to Dean, who is right across from them.

“Calm down, bucko,” Gabriel comments quietly, pressing a hand down on Dean’s bouncing knee under the table. “Don’t start something. We’ll just grit our teeth and try and get through this as painlessly as possible. Then we’ll all take you and Cas out somewhere fun, yeah?”

Dean takes a deep breath and nods.

“So, Dean,” Naomi, Zachariah’s wife and possibly a bigger bitch than her sister-in-law, begins during a lull in conversation. “What is it you do for a living?”

Dean breathes in through his nose before he answers, knowing what the response is going to be.

“I own and run a florist,” he replies. “One of the most successful in Kansas City.”

“Yes, he did my wedding arrangements!” Anna chimes from Cas’s other side. She beams at Dean. “They were just perfect!”

Inias nods in agreement and Dean smiles at them in thanks.

“A florist?” Mrs Novak questions stiffly. “Well that’s...” She can’t seem to find a word for what she wants to express so Dean offers for her.

“Middle class?” he suggests. “Why yes, I am middle class. Thank you for noticing.”

Cas presses a fist to his mouth to hide his smile.

“Which certainly throws into question your interest in my son.”

“Well, no. My interest in your son is purely physical.”

Gabriel kicks Dean under the table but he’s trying to hide a smile too. The Novaks' and their relations' expressions are akin to if Dean had declared he is going to ritually sacrifice a virgin to Satan on their dinner table. It is rather entertaining, Dean decides.

“Dean’s younger brother is on the company’s watch list,” Lucifer says suddenly as Mr and Mrs Novak glare daggers towards Dean down the table. “Sam Winchester. He’s pre-law at Stanford. Only a sophomore but his grades are phenomenal and he’s on a full academic scholarship from one of the college’s private benefactors. We figured keeping an eye on him would be a good idea.”

Michael nods and Dean turns to stare at the twins in amazement.

“I didn’t know that,” he says softly.

“When Castiel told us about you and mentioned your brother is planning on studying law the name rang a bell,” Michael explained. “I checked our list of students we’re watching for future employment and he’s on there. One of the youngest we’ve put on the list. We usually ignore them until they’re in law school because half of them change their mind or don’t pass their LSATs with a high enough grade to be of interest to us.”

“That’s...” Dean shakes his head. “Wow...”

“Are you sure he wasn’t put on the list recently?” Mr Novak questions.

“Are you suggesting Dean is only seeing me to advance his brother’s career?” Cas asks in a quiet, deadly voice, looking up at his father.

“Sam has been on the list since the end of his Freshman year,” Lucifer explains. “He topped all his classes and received multiple academic awards. We were interested.”

Mr Novak makes a sound that says he doesn’t believe his eldest sons but doesn’t wish to argue. Dean remembers Cas explaining that Michael and Lucifer keep the threat of cutting their father off hanging over his head in order to keep the peace at events such as this.

The rest of the dinner passes in almost silence. Zachariah, Naomi and Mrs Novak continue speaking, quite loudly about social climbers and gold diggers but Dean ignores them. It’s easy enough to do.

After dinner Gabriel and Lucifer grab he and Cas and drag them out to the cars. They, Michael, Anna, Inias and their cousins Hester, Samandriel, Gadreel, Ezekiel and Hael go out to a club to drink.

“Welcome to the family Dean!” Alfie (as Samandriel says he likes to be called) announces after they’ve ordered a round of drinks. He does some jazz hands.

“Don’t go running for the hills because our parents are all nutcases,” Hannah, Ezekiel’s wife adds.

“Castiel is the best of all of us,” Gadreel promises. His twin Ezekiel nods and wraps an arm around Cas’s neck before planting a long kiss on his temple, laughing when Cas wipes his face with a disgusted expression.

“Unfortunately you have to deal with the batshit crazy in-laws but we’re okay,” Hester chuckles. She, Aflie and the twins are Zachariah and Naomi’s children. Hael is Ezekiel’s wife. Gadreel is also married but his wife is away on business; Hester and Alfie are both unattached. Hester is around Anna’s age and Alfie’s only a little older than Dean.

Mr Novak was an only child and Mrs Novak only has one sibling so this is all the close family that is going to be at the party this weekend, however Mrs Novak has several cousins who are coming with their families and plenty of business associates and members of the company will be there. Dean is wary of the looks he’ll be receiving.

“I invited Balthazar,” Gabriel comments. “I figure he’ll make a good buffer with Dad. He never knows whether to hate him because he blames him for ‘turning you gay’ or love him because he made the company so much fucking money.”

Cas laughs and shakes his head and Dean clams up a little.

“Balthazar, your ex?” he questions.

“Don’t worry, Dean, Balthazar has no feelings for me anymore. We’re only friends,” Cas promises. “I think you might like him.”

Dean isn’t sure he agrees but he doesn’t protest anymore and just enjoys the night. At some point he ends up on the dance floor with Hester and Gadreel while Anna and Inias and Ezekiel and Hael dance near them. Dean isn’t sure how he ended up dirty dancing with Cas’s cousins but the way his boyfriend is laughing with Lucifer he thinks that it doesn’t matter, it’s just fun.

It’s ridiculously late when they arrive back at the estate and Dean and Cas fall into bed together, buzzed and smiling.

“I’m sorry about my parents,” Cas mumbles sleepily, pulling Dean over to lie on his chest. Dean kisses his chin as it’s the closest part of Cas’s face.

“I knew what I was getting into.”

“Love you.”

Dean yawns. “Love you too.”

***

Cas is giving him strange looks.

It’s Saturday evening and halfway through the party for Mrs Novak.

And Cas keeps looking at him weirdly. Dean has no idea what his issue is. Cas is talking to Balthazar and – Dean hates to admit Cas was right but Balthazar has no interest in him even if he does call Cas ‘darling’ all the time and touch him a lot, it’s purely friendly and he heartily approves of Dean for some reason – keeps looking over at Dean where he’s sitting with Michael and Hester.

Michael is providing Dean with interesting commentary about the guests and why they’ve been invited.

“Jeez, and your mother called me a social climber,” Dean mutters. “Everybody here wants something from somebody else. Where is the honesty?”

“Except you,” Hester replies. “You’re here because you love our Cassie. I think that’s pretty honest.”

“Yeah,” Dean says softly and then sits up straight. “ _Shit!_ ”

Michael and Hester both look bewildered when Dean shoots up from his seat and moves quickly through the crowd of guests over to Cas.

“Hey, sorry Balthy, but I need him for a moment,” Dean says quickly and takes Cas’s arm. Balthazar grins.

“Don’t have sex in the woods. You could get eaten by a bear,” he says before wandering off. Dean frowns, wants to ask but decides this is more important. “Let’s take a walk.”

“Okay.” Cas smiles at him and they slip outside via the back veranda. They go through the yard to the thick trees that edge it and walk down a well worn path. “What’s the matter?”

“I just remembered something,” Dean says gently. “...About last night.”

“Oh?”

Damn Cas. Those eyes are too innocent, he knows exactly what Dean wants to talk about. He remembers and Dean didn’t until just then.

“Don’t play dumb,” Dean mutters. “I didn’t mean to say it like that, okay? I was just drunk and relaxed. It slipped out.”

Cas fights back a smile. “So you didn’t mean it?”

Dean stares down at his shoes. “Of course I meant it.”

“So... say it now.” Cas sounds teasing and Dean stares off into the trees and mumbles it under his breath. Cas laughs, sounding happier than he has all week. He’d been dreading their visit here so much that he’d barely been sleeping. It seems that Dean’s admission has brought back his happiness and that fills Dean with more love than he thought it was possible to hold.

He turns around and backs Cas into a tree, leaning into his body and kissing him softly, slowly. Their lips move in perfect synchronisation. He breaks the kiss to lean his mouth by Cas’s ear, rubbing one hand up and down his side.

“I love you,” he whispers. He presses a kiss next to Cas’s eye and pulls back to look at him properly. “I love you.”

Cas smiles and pulls Dean back in to kiss him once more.

“I love you.”

***

Dean doesn’t know what he was afraid of. Saying those three little words for the first time since he was a little boy and getting put to bed by his mother wasn’t as scary as he thought. And it hasn’t changed anything between he and Cas. Except that now Dean has nothing to hide from Cas. He’s laid completely bare and the next few months have them falling into a routine that feels comfortable.

Dean’s always heard people complain that falling into a routine kills their relationship or strains it or ruins the passion and the life of it. The opposite is true for he and Cas.

They’ve been together six months at the start of October and Dean feels like he’s known Cas for years. They move around each other with perfect ease, whether it’s getting ready for bed, Dean waking up early for work and Cas making him breakfast, cooking dinner together, going on dates, spending time with Dean’s friends, having sex. All of it is easy between them.

There’re a few kinks obviously: Dean gets annoyed with Cas’s habit of leaving wet towels on the bathroom floor and Cas gets annoyed that Dean doesn’t sort their clothes when it’s his turn to do the laundry. But those are only little things. Dean wonders if they’ve exhausted all their big fights early. He often considers that anybody else would have given up with how much shit they went through so early in their relationship but they didn’t. It makes him sure they’re good together.

So, on the night of their six month anniversary after Cas has ridden Dean until he whited out from pleasure and they’re collapsed on the bed together, he doesn’t hesitate to answer yes when Cas whispers, shyly and worriedly, “will you move in with me?”

“We’re already living together,” Dean points out. “The only formality is me waiting until the end of my lease with Charlie and moving the rest of my stuff in.”

Cas smiles into his shoulder. “Okay then. But... I don’t want to live here.”

Dean looks down at him. “Where do you want to live?”

Cas looks up with a smile. “Let’s find a house. I know it’s stupidly early to suggest that but I want more space. I want trees and open air. I never saw the point when I was living on my own. But I want you with me every day and I want us to have a house and home together. Maybe a dog. I don’t care. What do you think?”

Dean considers it. “I can’t really afford-“

“But I can. Please, Dean. Don’t shy away from this. I know you have an issue with my money but I don’t use it for much. I’d like to use it for us. I’d like it not be my money but our money.”

He pushes up on to his elbow and looks at Dean with utter sincerity and Dean caves under those beautiful blue eyes.

“Yeah... yeah okay,” he sighs. “One day I’ll stop feeling weird. Might as well start trying now.”

Cas beams and draws him down into a kiss that turns quickly into round two where Cas fucks him slow and hard and whispers how much he loves Dean between every kiss.

***

House hunting turns out to be exhausting. It’s a little easier when they decide on an area of the city they want to live in and narrow their search to there. Dean’s lease ends next January so they can’t really move until then but Cas says he wants to start looking at neighbourhoods and agencies and Dean just nods because he has no experience in this and has no idea what he’s doing.

Charlie’s ecstatic when Dean tells her that Cas asked him to move in. He apologises for her having to find a new roommate but Charlie turns red and says that Jo is looking to move out of home so she’d probably be happy to take Dean’s old room. Dean wonders how long it’ll be until Dean’s room is just a spare room. He and Cas have been plotting out how they want to set the girls up and they’ve almost finished their plan. They will implement it soon.

October winds away into November and Dean has wrangled a promise from Cas to join him at Bobby’s for Thanksgiving. It turned out not to be that difficult in the end, Cas was more than happy to join the Winchester-Singer-Harvelle-Bradbury Thanksgiving: “You saw my family’s idea of a birthday, what do you think our Thanksgivings are like?”

It’s a cold Sunday morning when Dean wakes up alone. There’s a note on Cas’s pillow that he’s gone out to get them something hot for breakfast since there’s not much in the fridge – they’d both been neglecting to go to the store – and he’ll be back soon. Dean wonders how long he’s been away. He leaves the bedroom and wanders into Cas’s study and sure enough there’s a half empty mug of coffee on the desk. He must have been up writing.

There’s a large sheaf of papers sitting on top of the printer that weren’t there last night. Dean approaches curiously and looks at them.

_Paper Heart_

_By_

_Carver Edlund_

Dean grins. Cas finally finished it. He’s printed it out so that must mean he decided not to scrap it and intends to send it to Marv.

Dean met Marv last month. He’s a short, weasly little man who annoys Dean to no end with his constant criticism of Cas but at least this will get him off Cas’s back.

He knows he shouldn’t, he really does, but Cas has been writing this for _months_ and he hasn’t even told Dean what it’s about. He glances over his shoulder but Cas is definitely not here so he moves the papers from on top of the printer to the desk and peels the title page away to get at the first page. He settles into the desk chair, eyes sliding back and forth across the page.

At first he’s intrigued. Then confused.

He goes back to the start of the page and begins again.

A sense of dread begins to penetrate his heart and he grabs a chunk of pages and flips them over to a random place in the middle.

It... No, it can’t be.

Dean’s mouth parts slightly in horror.

It’s him.

It’s his story.

It’s every secret he told Cas since they met typed out into the life story of this man named Jensen. The names and the places have changed but that doesn’t change the fact that this is everything about his life that he has kept from Sam and Bobby and Ellen and _everybody_ except Cas. Half of this stuff he never even told Charlie.

How could Cas do this to him?

The whole time. All those looks. Cas telling Dean that he’s his muse, inspiring him to write. Well, of course he was. Cas was writing a story about him. All of him. Every sordid detail of his life has been written down for commercial use. Dean sold his body to those men and now he’s done it again, only this time he didn’t get money in exchange, he got lies. Somehow that feels worse.

Trust isn’t something that has ever come easily to him. He shied away from any people and situations that required him to put trust in somebody. But Cas was different. Dean took a chance and put trust in him because Cas asked him to. It wasn’t easy but Dean tried, because he wanted this to work, he wanted to have this and not to be the reason that it fell apart.

This is what he was putting his trust in?

His appetite has been replaced by nausea and he feels numb.

He wants to leave.

He stumbles back into the bedroom and clumsily dresses in jeans and a sweater. He tries to find his wallet and keys and locates them in the front room where Cas leaves his. He’s shoving some of his things into a bag when he hears the keys in the front door and he freezes.

He can hear Cas humming as he comes inside.

So... this is what heartbreak feels like.

There’s an intense pain tearing through his chest on top of the betrayal and the anger. But he’s also sad. Because he loves this man. He loves him so much that he can’t breathe sometimes.

How can this love exist in the same space as this anger?

Cas appears in the doorway and he takes in the scene before him. His growing confusion adds guilt to Dean’s already strange mix of emotion.

“What are you doing?”

Dean looks down at the bag in his hands.

“Dean?”

He closes his eyes and takes several steps away when Cas moves towards him.

“What’s wrong?” He sounds worried, upset.

Dean can’t take it.

“Why would you write that?” Dean demands. He raises his head and stares at Cas. His voice comes out weaker when he continues, “how could you use me like that?”

Shock and guilt shoot across Cas’s face in the wake of understanding.

“Dean... I didn’t...”

“You _did!_ ” Dean snaps. “You wrote down everything I told you! Why, Cas? Why would you do that to me? Nobody knows about those things! But my family knows who you are! They would read that! And they’d all know! They’d all know the terrible things I did! _Sam_ would find out the disgusting things I did to keep him clothed and fed! Do you have any idea how he’d look at me if he knew?”

Dean hates the sting of tears in his eyes and the way his voice is shaking. But he’s not as angry as he should be. He’s just scared and hurt. He’s in so much pain, he doesn’t know what to feel.

“I never intended-“

“You printed it out! There’s an envelope on the desk addressed to your publisher!” Dean accuses.

“Marv saw the file on my computer! He wants to read it!” Cas replies, expression wild. “Dean, you have to listen to me, I never-“

“How can I believe you?” Dean shouts, voice breaking slightly but he ignores it. He grabs his bag and storms past Cas. Cas grabs at his arm but he dodges and heads to the front door.

“Dean, please!” Cas begs. “Stay! Talk!”

“There’s nothing to talk about!” He spins around and fixes Cas with his gaze. He hopes he’s glaring but know that he probably only looks miserable and destroyed so he doesn’t yell this time. “I sold myself for eight years Cas, I won’t do it anymore.”

“Just let me say-“

“What?” Dean snaps.

“That I’m sorry.”

Dean chokes on the words he had meant to spit out.

“You...” He gapes at Cas, trying to figure out what to say. “You’re _sorry_?”

“Yes.”

“You’re _sorry_? For what? For planning to sell my entire life to the whole freaking world? For lying to me? For using me? For being a dick?”

“All of that. Yes.”

“For making me love you? For making me think you loved me?”

Cas gasps. “Dean, I do love you. Please.”

Dean shakes his head slowly, hands clenching and unclenching as he tries to gain his bearings. It’s hard, so much harder than he thought.

“I never want to see you again. Stay the hell away from me.”

“Dean...”

“Goodbye, Cas.”

He turns and leaves the apartment, slamming the door so hard in his wake that several of Cas’s neighbours, including Crowley of all people, peer out their own doors curiously as Dean walks slowly to the elevator, his entire world turning to dust behind him.


	16. True love. Best friend. Muse.

When Charlie comes home to find Dean drinking his way through several bottles of whiskey she becomes incredibly concerned. Dean tells her, alternating between tearful and angry, what happened and begs her to go and collect the rest of his things from Cas’s apartment.

Cas keeps trying to call him so he tosses his phone behind the lounge and ignores it as he continues to drink.

Charlie’s gone for a few hours and returns with his things.

Cas stops trying to call him after that. Dean doesn’t know what she said to him and he doesn’t ask.

She takes his alcohol away from him and puts him to bed, calling in sick to work for him the next day. He wakes up hungover and needing to throw up and she takes care of him, never once mentioning Cas or trying to get him to talk about it. They spend Monday afternoon, when Dean’s feeling more human, watching Disney movies and eating ice cream. They both sing along ridiculously loudly to _Aladdin_ , including an atrocious duet of “A Whole New World”.

It’s only a distraction though. Every second Dean’s heart still feels like it’s being trampled. He thinks he understands now, after wondering every time he watched the movie, how Padme died of a broken heart. It would be so easy to just give up now.

He manages to pull himself together in a couple of days but he doesn’t tell anybody what happened. He keeps it from everyone at work, making up some lie and forcing a smile if a regular customer or one of his employees asks about Cas. Benny and Jo know something’s up but Dean made Charlie promise not to tell them so he knows she wouldn’t have.

In fact it isn’t until Thanksgiving when Dean and Charlie drive up to Bobby’s and he clearly does not have a significant other in tow that anybody realises they’re not together. Dean goes upstairs to dump his things in the room he and Charlie are sharing for the next few days while she stays downstairs and probably explains – in very little detail – that Dean and Cas are no longer together.

“Dean...”

Dean looks up to find Sam in the doorway, looking worried.

“I don’t want to talk about it, Sammy,” Dean tells him weakly.

“I don’t understand.” Sam looks devastated. “You guys... you were good together. I’ve... I’ve never seen you so happy.”

Dean shrugs. “You ever think maybe I’m not meant to be happy?”

Sam’s expression would better suit being smacked in the face. “Dean...” His voice is rough. “You could fix it. Maybe you should just talk-“

“There’s nothing to fix, Sam. Now drop it.” His expression must be something else because Sam doesn’t bring it up again and neither does anybody else, though they all watch him with worried eyes and sad frowns.

Dean just goes on existing. He manages to fake enough smiles that people start to think he’s okay but he can’t sleep at night. He got so used to having Cas beside him.

Jesus they were only together six months. How did somebody worm their way under his skin in that amount of time? How did Cas scrape out a hollow for himself so large in Dean’s heart and soul and life that it feels like he’s always been there and it’s agony now he’s not? It doesn’t make any sense.

And Dean hates it.

But he manages to get by.

Until the flowers arrive.

He comes home from work on Christmas Eve. It’s been over a month since they broke up and he’s been lucky so far with not running into Cas. He still doesn’t know what Charlie said to him that made him stay away the way he has but Dean is grateful for it regardless.

But there, on their table, is a huge bouquet of fifteen roses. Red and yellow. Dean stares.

Charlie comes out of the kitchen.

“Did you and Jo finally-?”

“What? No, Dean!” Charlie is blushing. “How did... never mind... they’re for you...”

She looks guilty and Dean approaches warily. He plucks the card out and scans it before crumpling it in his hand and dropping it on the table.

“Get rid of them,” he orders.

“Dean... what?” Charlie looks scandalised.

“I said get rid of them. I don’t want to look at them.”

“You love flowers,” Charlie whispers, her eyes wide. Dean turns and storms out of the room, trying to scrape the words on the card out of mind but he can’t.

_Red for I love you_

_Yellow for I am not worthy_

_And fifteen for I am truly sorry_

“Damn it, Cas,” Dean moans, dropping onto his bed.

And it isn’t the last one. A month later there’s another delivery of flowers. This time it’s a bouquet of red daises and star of Bethlehem flowers. Charlie scoops them off the front step when Dean aims to kick them away.

“I’ll take them to the hospital or a cemetery,” she promises. “Don’t destroy them.”

Dean glares at the flowers, fighting back a wave of regret.

“What do these ones mean? You’re angrier than last time.”

“Red daisies are for beauty unknown to the possessor and star of Bethlehem flowers are atonement and reconciliation,” Dean scowls.

“I think he’s trying to apologise in a language you’ll understand,” Charlie murmurs. Dean glares at her and storms into the apartment to slam the door to his room. She doesn’t speak to him for the rest of the night. Dean knows he deserves it; he’s been terrible this week. They just resigned their lease for another twelve months and Dean couldn’t help but remember he was supposed to be moving into a house with Cas now. Their own house. Just for the two of them.

He feels sick at the loss of the future they’d been planning, a future Dean had pictured in his head so many times.

Two weeks later there’s another bouquet. Charlie’s not around this time to stop him destroying them but he can’t. They're eglantine roses and primroses. Eglantines were Mary’s favourite flower. And the meaning of this bouquet is almost bringing Dean to tears because he feels it keenly. Cas wants to heal the wound he made? Well, Dean wishes he knew how. He’d like it healed. Because he can’t live without Cas either. But he has to. There’s no way he could stomach Cas’s touch now that he knows it was all a lie.

On Valentine’s Day there is a bouquet of hyacinths. Dean leaves them on the table when he gets home and sees them. He’s too exhausted to care. He gives Charlie her usual bouquet and retreats into his room to feel miserable. This time last year he was miserable too but it was different. He was miserable because something was missing that he couldn’t name. This year he knows what’s missing but there’s nothing he can do about it. Though it certainly makes his life feel emptier than it ever has before. He knows what it’s like to have someone of his own now... he wishes he could unknow that and go back to having one night stands.

He tried a couple of weeks ago but he ended up crying on the poor girl’s shoulder and telling her about his break up. She was pretty good about it, sweet and comforting. She told him if he still misses that guy this much despite how angry he is then maybe he should think about giving him a second chance.

Dean’s been thinking about that since then. But the anger is still too real.

On the day they first met Dean comes home to a bouquet of red tulips. He stares at them for a long time before taking them into the apartment and putting them on his desk. He sits there staring them for quite a while. So long in fact that Charlie comes home from wherever she’s been.

He hears her footsteps coming down the hall and stop suddenly.

He looks up at Charlie in his doorway. She’s holding her hands behind her back and biting her lip uncertainly.

“Yes?” he prompts.

“I bought a new book today.”

“You came in here to tell me that?” Dean wonders.

“It’s really good. Kind of a science-fantasy romance. I think you’d like it.” She still looks uncertain but Dean is beyond trying to figure out what goes on in Charlie’s mind most of the time.

“I hate YA novels, Charlie.”

“It’s not a YA novel. Way too graphic to be YA.” Charlie shuffles closer and produces the book from behind her back, holding it out for Dean to see.

“ _The Hunter and His Angel_ by... No, Charlie.” Dean scowls heavily and fights the urge to rip the book from her hands and set it on fire. “I don’t want to read anything he wrote.”

“It’s his newest book.”

“Wow, how great for him.”

“I think it’s about you.”

Dean’s eyes narrow dangerously. “I don’t want to even touch it then. I can’t believe he actually went and published it. He’s a dick.”

“I don’t think it’s the one you read.” Charlie perches on the edge of his desk and slides the book in front of him. “I’m sure it’s about you but... it wouldn’t obvious to very many people and it doesn’t have any of your secrets. Plus... can you read the dedication? Please?”

Dean hesitates, glaring at the lovely watercolour drawing that makes up the cover. It’s not like the covers of Cas’s other novels that Dean thinks were cheesy and over the top. It’s beautiful. He wonders if Cas painted it himself. He reaches out and opens the book, turning the pages slowly until he finds the one with the dedication written on it then stares, taking in the words slowly. He reads it once, looks at Charlie who nods with a soft smile, and then reads it again. He closes the book, scans the author’s name to check it hasn’t changed from Carver Edlund before flicking back to the dedication.

_“Find a subject you care about and which you feel others should care about. It is this genuine caring, and not your games with language, which will be the most compelling and seductive element in your style.”_

_Kurt Vonnegut Jr._

_For Dean._

_You are my true love, my best friend and my muse._

Charlie looks at the vase containing the tulips.

“Oh Dean... Read it. I promise you won’t regret it,” she informs him. “Then look at this.” She places a folded sheet of paper in front of him and keeps her finger on it. “Only _after_ you’ve read it. Okay?”

Dean rolls his eyes but nods and she finally leaves him, still taking in the dedication. He nervously opens the book and begins to read.

***

_Jack hefted his rifle into his arms and stared at Raziel. The angel was picking himself up and fluffing his wings, trying to shake off the worst of the dust._

_“Are you a complete idiot, man?” Jack demanded. “What hell were you thinking?”_

_His heart was thudding harder than he imagined it could. He wasn’t sure if it was because of the presence of his former, sort-of, almost-lover or because he had thought for a split second that he’d lost him. Raziel was staring at him, head cocked to the side._

_“You were in danger,” he said simply._

_“I...” Jack gritted his teeth and glared out to the side. He sighed heavily. “Dammit, angel.” He tossed his gun to the side and stalked up to the angel. He grabbed the front of his tatty, old trench coat and yanked him in close. “I can’t lose you.”_

_Raziel blinked, eyes sad. “If I lost you, the entire cosmos would mean nothing. There is nothing in all my Father’s creation more important than you, Jack Cassidy.”_

_Jack laughed. “You can’t say things like that when I’m still mad at you.”_

_“Why?” Raziel seemed genuinely confused._

_“Just... shut up, okay.”_

_He drew the angel into a long kiss. The angel was inexperienced but a quick learner and when the kiss ended they were both panting._

_“I’m still mad,” Jack breathed. “And we gotta talk about what you did. But I can’t lose you.”_

_“I would never truly betray you, Jack. I love you. More than anything. Than my own life.”_

_“Yeah, angel, I know.” Jack smiled. “Now, come here. I’m not letting you go anytime soon.”_

***

Dean yawns and looks over at the clock. It’s getting ridiculously late but he can’t seem to put the book down. It’s the best thing Cas has ever written. It’s fast paced but beautifully descriptive and Dean loves the two main characters. Charlie’s right; Dean’s pretty sure Jack is supposed to be him. But he has none of the harsh back story Dean really has. There are dark things alluded to but anybody would think Cas was just taking creative license.

Dean continues reading. He needs to know if Jack forgives Raziel. After being in the angel’s head, he knows that he never meant to hurt Jack, he was only doing what he knew and he made mistakes. He hopes Jack can understand.

When he finally finishes he reads through the acknowledgements which include a passage of Cas explaining that his own feelings inspired the book’s theme. Dean knows this is an apology and explanation. One that Cas couldn’t make to him because Dean didn’t want to see him and he wouldn’t listen if Cas tried.

Dean’s tired and his eyes are aching but he needs to look at the sheet of paper Charlie left him. He opens it and stares.

Cas is doing a book signing and Q&A session next weekened at Barnes and Noble. He has a new publisher and they’ve come to an agreement that allows Mr Edlund to maintain his privacy yet still interact with his fans. They’re all going to find out Mr Edlund is actually Mr Novak, Dean realises, but whatever this arrangement is must be good because Cas would never have agreed otherwise.

Dean stares at the poster and looks back at the book.

He doesn’t feel angry anymore. He just feels sad... and lost. He can tell from the story that Cas feels the same way. He managed to churn this out in the four months they’ve been apart so clearly Dean is still inspiring him... maybe he wasn’t being used for that one story. Maybe he was just Cas’s inspiration and he fell in love with him because of it. The two don’t have to be mutually exclusive, he supposes.

Dean resolves to consider it properly when he’s rested. But either way, he needs to see Cas again. He needs to hear it from his own mouth.

***

The book signing is crowded when Charlie and Dean walk in. He knew Cas was a bestseller but he didn’t realise how many people would turn out to meet him, ask him questions and get their book signed. The Q&A is first so Dean and Charlie find some seats in the middle where they won’t be easily spotted from the stage but where they can approach the question area.

That’s Dean’s plan anyway. He doesn’t know how well it will work but if Cas is honest with him here and now, then Dean can trust it. It doesn’t make sense to Charlie but she doesn’t get it, not really. What Cas is doing today is the same as when Dean told him about his job, about selling his body for money. Cas was hiding himself from the world and now he’s laying himself bare. If he answers Dean now, in front of all these people, then he means it.

When Cas comes onto the stage amidst cheering from the gathered crowd Dean stares. He looks... not well. Like he’s lost weight. And not slept well. Dean knows the feeling. He looks dishevelled but not in the adorable way Dean used to enjoy after they woke up together, in a way that says he hasn’t been taking care of himself. Dean’s hands itch to touch him and make it all better.

His voice rocks Dean to his core when he starts speaking. Dean has missed hearing that voice. He leans on Charlie and squeezes his eyes shut.

“I don’t think I can do this,” he murmurs.

“You can. And you will,” she replies. “You need him Dean. And look at him. He needs you too. Sort this out. Yes he betrayed your trust... but in the end he didn’t.”

Dean looks at Charlie with a frown.

“That made sense in my head,” she defends. “Now get up there.” She shoves him into the aisle and he moves up to the line for questions.

Dean takes a deep breath as he steps up to the microphone. Cas is still speaking to the girl on the other side of the stage, answering her question in detail and looking solemn as he does so. He thanks her once he finishes and turns to hear the next question. He squints into the lights.

“Hello,” he says. Dean swallows nervously and speaks.

“Is it true that your main character Jack is inspired by Dean, the man you dedicated the book to?” Dean questions. He smiles nervously as Cas freezes, clearly recognising Dean’s voice. He leans closer and his eyes widen as he finally makes out Dean’s face through the bright lights. “And if so, does that mean Raziel is based off yourself?”

“That...” Cas rubs his throat, still staring at Dean with wide eyes. “That is a very... uh, that is to say I intended...” He glances out at the audience who are watching him with some confusion now. “Yes, yes to both.”

“So, when Raziel betrayed Jack’s trust and went behind his back,” Dean continues and Cas drops his gaze, shifting uncomfortably, “when that happened would you say Jack was justified in his response?”

Cas is quiet for a long moment before he whispers, “of course.”

“And what Raziel does to regain that trust, the lengths he goes to and the things he says; is that indicative of your own actions and thoughts?” Dean finishes, voice weakening as he reaches the end of the question.

The crowd is whispering curiously amongst themselves while Cas raises his head and stares at Dean, gaze speculative and careful.

“I meant every word,” Cas responds. “As for the actions... I haven’t really had the chance to employ those myself but I definitely would at the first available opportunity. If... if that is required.”

Dean’s surprised into smiling.

“Oh, it is,” he replies without thinking and Cas blinks before a slow smile spreads across his face. Dean pulls the microphone from its stand, ignoring the staff who attempt to stop him, and steps onto the stage. Cas stands, watching him with a growing look of elation.

“I expect breakfast in bed every Saturday I’m not working and every Sunday. And that we go to a diner for dinner at least once a week,” Dean informs him. “I expect foot rubs. I expect post sex pie and baths. I expect you to write a sequel to that book where Jack gets some more kick ass fight scenes.”

Cas laughs and so does the crowd as Dean nears him, unable to keep himself from returning Cas’s grin. He continues though because now he has serious requests.

“I expect you to find me a house on the river where I said I wanted to live. I expect trips to Cali to see Sam and you’re not allowed to back out just because you hate the beach.  And I expect you to never, ever lie to me again.”

“Yes,” Cas replies, the microphone nowhere near his mouth. “Yes to all of it. I promise.”

Dean catches his gaze. “You better and just because you wrote your best ever book about me doesn’t mean that-“

His final statement is cut off when Cas laughs and throws his arms around Dean’s shoulders, pulling him into an enthusiastic yet gentle kiss.

“I love you,” Cas breathes without moving his mouth from Dean’s. “I’ve missed you more than you can imagine.”

“Oh, I can imagine,” Dean replies. He pulls back and squeezes Cas’s sides. “I love you, too.”

“I really am sorry, Dean. I never meant to hurt you,” Cas says. His eyes show his devastation and Dean sighs sadly.

“I know. And you didn’t publish it in the end.” He blushes a little. “I liked what you wrote instead. I think it’s my favourite.”

“It’s mine too,” Cas replies. He glances out at the audience. “I still have a session to finish. Wait for me?”

Dean nods and smiles before stepping off stage and heading back to his seat.

After the day is done – and Charlie gets Cas to sign her copy of the book – Cas steps up to Dean.

“Follow me home?” he requests.

“I know the way,” Dean replies.

Cas’s face flushes pink for some reason. “No, you don’t. Just follow me, okay?”

Dean frowns but agrees. Charlie says she’ll call Jo to pick her up and Dean nods. He and Cas drive out of the city centre and over the river. Dean’s eyes go wide when he realises where they’re heading. This is one of the houses they looked at that was going on the market in January. Dean had fallen in love with its high ceilings and Cas had adored the land it was on, covered in trees.

He bought it... Even though Dean wasn’t here to move in with him, he still bought it.

He parks beside Cas in the drive and gets out of the car. He doesn’t let Cas take a step away from his own before he’s on him, throwing him arms around him and kissing him deeply.

“Why?” he demands between harsh kisses. “Why would you do this?”

“I hoped...” Cas lets out a little moan. “I hoped you’d come back.”

“Dammit angel,” Dean groans. He pulls away and takes in Cas’s flushed face in the dying light of the day. “Take me inside and fuck me in every room.”

Cas blinks in surprise. “I’m not exactly young Dean... there are a lot of rooms.”

“Let’s get through some tonight then. Talking can wait.”

Cas shakes his head but he’s smiling and he drags Dean inside. They don’t make it very far, only onto the plush carpet of the living room floor before their clothes are gone. Their kisses are sloppy and desperate and once Cas has a hand around both of them they only manage to last about five minutes before they’re both coming, white stripes painting both their stomachs as they collapse together, breathing hard and running hands over every patch of skin they can reach.

“Love you, so much,” Cas whispers.

“Love you, too, angel,” Dean whispers back. “Are you ready to start again?”

Cas looks down at him. “Of course. I want to fall in love with you all over again. I want to relearn every part of you. I want to take back all of the hurt I gave you and I want to love all of your edges, especially the jagged ones. I want to show you that you’re perfect and not mess it up this time.”

Dean smiles and averts his eyes. He is always so good with words.

“I want to love you over and over, for all eternity.”

Dean's not that great with words so he's only able to press his face into Cas's neck and whisper, “I want that too, Cas.”


	17. Epilogue: Over and over for eternity... that sounds like a long time

Dean’s in a mad rush. It needs to be finished before Cas gets home which is in... shit, fuck, five minutes!

He races out of the house to bring in the last of the large buckets and settle them by the front door. He runs around, counting how many are in the room just to be sure they’re all here. They’re all tied with individual ribbons. He can’t remember how long that took but Kevin had claimed he had carpal tunnel by the end of it.

Benny had complained about how many trips it took from the store to bring them all here.

It’s worth it though, Dean decides. The roses are gorgeous and each of them full opened except the one red one he has sitting on the coffee table. The smell in the house is glorious and Dean hopes it stays for a long time.

It certainly covers up the smell from when Oscar, their golden retriever puppy, threw up after eating off chicken last week. Silly puppy, it was in the trash for a reason.

Dean spots the puppy sniffing at a bucket and grabs his collar to take him into one of the other rooms.

“Go play, boy,” he orders. “Don’t mess this up for me, okay?”

The puppy waggs his tail at Dean and trots off to find his favourite ball.

Dean returns to the living room and makes sure that everything is in place. He can hear Cas’s car coming down the drive and he's bouncing on his heels with nervous energy. Now he finally understands all those customers in the past. This has to be the most nerve wracking thing he’s ever done.

Moving in here hadn’t made him this anxious. It was about six months after they got back together that Dean finally decided to move back in. It was less because Cas asked him and more because he was ready to be gone from his tiny apartment which had become even tinier with the frequent addition of Jo.

She and Charlie had gotten together over Christmas and Dean hadn’t noticed through his moping. His plan hadn’t been needed but it had been because of him anyway. Charlie saw how miserable he was and decided to be honest with herself for a change. The girls were good together but they were very loud most nights. So when Cas brought up moving in Dean said yes in a heartbeat. He was ready for them to move forward.

It has been a year since then. That means they’ve been back together eighteen months. It has been two years since Dean first realised he never wants to let Cas go, that he loves him and will continue to love him for many years to come. He figures that if it’s been two years since that realisation and he’s only become more sure of it then it’s time to do something about it.

So he straightens his suit as he hears Cas’s keys in the door, and grabs the rose he laid out on the coffee table.

“Dean? Why are the lights off?” Cas wonders as he steps through the door. He blinks at the dim lighting. Dean has layered the room in fairy lights and candles, giving everything an ethereal glow.

“Mood lighting,” Dean shrugs from where he's standing. Cas stares around in utter amazement.

Dean smiles at the awe on Cas’s face. He trails his fingertips lightly over a group of white roses as he makes his way through the buckets.

“Dean... what is this?” he asks, eyes wide as he takes in the multitude of flowers cluttering up their living room.

“One hundred and eight roses exactly,” Dean responds with a smile, twirling the single red rose in his fingers. It’s the only one of the lot that is red. He knows Cas has noticed because his eyes continue to flick to the rose in Dean’s hand even as he looks around.

“Why that number?” he asks, a laugh in his voice.

Dean hesitates. “You... you told me that you wanted to know me better when you watched me work on your sister’s wedding flowers. You said that seeing the enjoyment on my face as I wrote my stories with flowers made you fall in love with me.” Dean peeks at Cas’s face and he’s watching Dean now, a soft smile curving his lips. “You’re better at words than me. You write your stories with a pen and I write mine with plants. So, I guess I figured I was going to have trouble finding a way to say this when I remembered that I don’t need words... I have flowers...”

“And what do one hundred and eight roses say?” Cas asks. Dean smiles then, shyly because even though he knows Cas loves him he still doesn’t know what he’s going to answer.

He passes over the rose and winces at the way his hand trembles. Cas takes the flower with one hand and catches Dean’s with his other, squeezing in comfort. It only takes him a few seconds to notice the matching engagement rings tied beneath the rose bloom. He stares at them for a moment before looking up and meeting Dean’s eyes.

Dean sees a thousand things pass through that beautiful blue as he swallows and whispers, “one hundred and eight roses say, will you marry me?”

For once, Cas doesn’t say anything in response but the way he slowly fucks Dean on the floor surrounded by roses, kissing him and murmuring nothing but the words ‘I love you’ is answer enough.

If that didn’t make its way into Dean’s head, the way they slide each other’s ring onto their fingers while they’re lying wrapped up in each other surely did.

**Author's Note:**

> That's all folks! If I feel like it I might write some timestamps but we'll see!
> 
> Now my many thanks:
> 
> Once again to the amazingly talented asylumbound360 for being the best artist ever for my story! Go love her everyone! She's amazing! Thank you darling for the art I'm so happy!
> 
> My wonderful Alpha/Beta readers for their endless ideas, enthusiasm and nitpicking: Han, Liz and Tara. You’re all amazing for putting up with my slight panics and my random updates at 2 am because I couldn’t stop writing and needed somebody to read it and tell me it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was. I love you all <3
> 
> I would like to thank the following users on 8tracks for their inspiring playlists:  
> CastielsCandyKisses for “Destiel”; “Destiel 2.0”; “Destiel 3.0”  
> mishcollyns for “[antidote]”  
> Aishiri for “Always come back to me.”
> 
>  
> 
> [Flower Meanings](http://1versalromance.livejournal.com/5415.html)
> 
>  
> 
> **Bibliography**
> 
>    
>  _Flower meanings:_ [Link 1](http://www.santamonicaflowers.com/pages/floriography) [Link 2](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plant_symbolism) [Link 3](http://www.randomhouse.com/rhpg/features/vanessa_diffenbaugh/flower-dictionary/)
> 
>  _Arrangements:_ [Link 1](http://www.santamonicaflowers.com/collections/sm-flowers) [Link 2](http://weddingandweddingflowers.co.uk/article.php?id=400) [Link 3](http://www.sharonnagassardesigns.com)
> 
>  
> 
> [Anna's Bouquet](http://weddingandweddingflowers.co.uk/article.php?id=400&gm=1&galid=7393)
> 
>  
> 
> [Anna's Dress](http://www.pronovias.co.uk/bridal-dresses-2015/collection-glamour-bestine)
> 
>  
> 
> [Unity Candle Arrangement](http://www.sharonnagassardesigns.com/U11301210-Wedding-Centerpieces-Arbor-Pergola-Altar-Floral-Arrangements-Decoration.html)
> 
>  
> 
> [Table Centrepieces](http://www.sharonnagassardesigns.com/M1130121-Wedding-Centerpieces-Arbor-Pergola-Altar-Floral-Arrangements-Decoration.html)
> 
>  
> 
> [Aisle Pieces](http://www.sharonnagassardesigns.com/T1130121-Wedding-Centerpieces-Arbor-Pergola-Altar-Floral-Arrangements-Decoration.html)


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